If wary of poop talk, please do not proceed....

Yesterday I had finished my workout at the gym, collected my phone and wallet from the locker, and headed into the bathroom stall to relieve myself of all the water I had consumed during my exercising. At the time I entered the stall I was also reading a text message from my sister-in-law, and knowing what I wanted to text back to her, I started to text her as I stood in the stall. Then I thought that perhaps this wasn't a good idea after all as I had already dropped my cell phone in the toilet once and this was one of those situations where that could become a likely scenario again as I also had keys, a wallet, and my water bottle in my hands.

As I unloaded all of my stuff, my cell phone clutched tightly in my hands, and proceeded to sit down on the toilet, the lady in the stall next to me dropped something on the floor. Whatever it was broke upon impact and it sounded quite like what my cell phone sounds like when dropped, and for one moment I thought I had done just that. Looking down I realized it wasn't a phone, and I made a comment like, "Oh, my. For a minute I thought that was mine."

I was relaying this story a few minutes later to my exercise buddy, SueG, and explaining that I had no idea what the object was on the floor. SueG replied that it was bad bathroom etiquette to talk while in the stall of a public bathroom. Apparently, and I was not aware of this, there is bathroom etiquette.

 I asked how she knew this and she replied, "The Internet." She could not tell me any more dos and don'ts, however, so I decided to google it when I got home.

Below is some of the bathroom etiquette for women that I was unaware of and my responses to it:

• Talking/socializing in the bathroom should not be done in the stalls unless both women are close friends. So if I run into someone that I know, say a client or a parent from my daughters' school, at a restaurant as we are walking into the bathroom I am not to talk to her? Do I ignore her completely or do I just smile, nod and hope that she knows bathroom etiquette? How close is close?


• Talking by the mirrors is permitted; however, this should be done in a low voice so that other occupants are able to complete their business without listening to endless strange chattering. I don't know about you, but I LOVE to hear endless strangers chattering while I'm in the stall. Some of my best blackmail schemes have come from there...


• Talking to strangers is forbidden unless they initiate it. So I should not mention that the lady about to exit the bathroom has a toilet paper tail stuck to the end of her shoe? Or that she didn't quite pull down the right side of her skirt? Or that she really should wash her hands before going back to work?


• It is unacceptable to use the public bathroom to perform a #2 function unless the bathroom is completely empty. Are you kidding me? First of all, this person obviously has a problem discussing bodily functions if she has to use kindergarten words to describe a bowel movement. Secondly, she is concerned about the odor for others? In a bathroom? I'm telling you right now, sister, a bathroom is the best place for those odors. If people have to poop while at a function, or a movie, or a restaurant and they aren't able to do so there will be odors wafting all around the room. If I have to go, I'm going to go, whether there are 30 women in a stall or not. If we must follow this kind of nonsense women are going to be performing #2s on the floor of storerooms in Kohl's Department Stores. (Tee hee...inside joke...don't ask)


• If performing a #2 in an empty bathroom, always flush while in progress and double flush at the end. Women do not poop, fart or produce un-womanly smells or sounds. If I'm doing this in an empty bathroom, who cares whether I make sounds or not? And women do fart and poop and their shit stinks!


• If there is a "present" in the toilet left by a previous occupant then that stall is considered "out of order" and should be left alone until a janitor solves the problem. This one always cracks me up when women enter and exit upon seeing what is in the toilet. As if they have never seen anything like it in their lives. Women's bathrooms are crowded enough without "out of order" stalls because somebody is afraid of flushing the toilet. Lift up your leg and flush the toilet with your foot if you are afraid of coming too close! But for god's sake don't wait for a janitor to solve the problem. Most janitors don't come until the end of the day!!


• Cellular telephone use is not permitted in the bathroom, but text messaging is okay. That is a huge relief to me as this all started out with me wanting to text, but I did answer my phone during the same trip as it was my daughters' school calling to report my youngest was sick. Guess I could have waited until they left a message, but guess what? I already had two missed calls from the same number and no messages were left! Which made me think this was important. And I enjoy spying on other phone conversations in the bathroom as it gives me something to do when I'm pooping and stinking up the place.


• Stalls must be checked for adequate supplies before performing any functions. Totally agree with that one, but not sure that it is an etiquette. More like a necessity especially in the above lady's world because asking the lady next door for a wad is verboten.

The above and more like it was found at http://www.icbe.org/ if you are interested in learning more.