Letting my birds stick their beaks out of the nest

I am a worry wart.  I am one of those mothers that lies in bed at night worrying about things that I envision in my head like aliens landing on our roof, sucking our kids out of their beds into their aircraft, and whisking them away.  I am very suspicious of most everything.  That guy walking down my street that I've never seen before?  He is casing my house.  He will walk out of sight of my open door, circle around through my neighbor's yard, and appear at my front door before I even have time to react.  I should get up and lock my door.  And I did.  That happened just this morning.

When Madison started high school I had to loosen the grip.  I was dealing with my mother and doctor appointments and there were times Madison had to walk from school to the library because I couldn't get to her in time.  When soccer started she either walked or rode with her coach to the field down the street from the school.  I was a wreck about it all, and had once instance where I went to pick her up and the coach had decided to change the venue for practice that day.  I did not take that one well, but Madison was just fine.  She wanted the responsibility and made sure to walk with other kids where ever she was headed.  The next year I let her take the bus.  While I worried all the time about it I knew I had to let her do it.  I figured taking these tiny steps would help me in the long run.

When Darcy graduated from eighth grade recently a group of kids decided to go to a movie.  I said yes.  Then the group wanted to walk from the movie to a restaurant in the same vicinity clear across the other side of the outdoor mall.  Then they wanted to eat and turn around and head back to the other side for ice cream.  I said okay after much begging and pleading.  I felt better about her in a group.  It was a huge step for both of us.  I explained how this was a concern for me and that this was her first opportunity to show me that she could handle this type of thing.  The group did well and had a great time and all was well.  I was hoping that was the end of it.

Two days ago I was cooling off and working out in the pool after my nightly mile and a half walk when Darcy came outside.  She lifted her hand to show me the two Redbox movies she held.  My first thought was that Tom was home and had rented some movies.  My second thought was %^&* we forgot to return those free movies.  It was now 8:21 and the movies were due back by nine and I was in the pool wet.

Me:  "Well, get in the car take them back.  (I was kidding)  This is why Madison needs to learn to drive."
Darcy:  "Would you let us ride our bikes up there?"

Uh, no.  That response was immediate.  The Redbox we use is a mile straight up the street from our house.  In my day that would have been no big deal to jump on our bikes and ride up there to deposit the movies.  But the street the girls would have to travel on is not like the street I lived off of.  It is very busy and there are no sidewalks.  They would have to walk their bikes from our street two streets over into the next neighborhood where they could safely ride up the road which then would have to cross to get to the Redbox.  Do you have any idea the things that could happen to them in just that short amount of time?  Immediately my brain started thinking of them.

Darcy:  "We are 16 and 14, Mom.  At some point you are going to have to let us go."
Me:  "It is almost dark, Darcy, and it is going to storm.  If you had asked me an hour ago I would have let you."
Darcy:  "Really?"
Me:  "No, but I would have listened to more arguments from your side."
Darcy:  "What if I text Dad and ask him what he thought?  You know, just to see."

I argued some more about the weather and the darkness and about the horrible things that could happen to her.  She argued some more about how she had a safe route to get there through the other neighborhood and that she and Madison were perfectly responsible.  And then Tom texted back "sure" or something along those lines and against my better judgement, because I know that I have to let them go at times, I said yes.  And then I began lecturing them about the crosswalk and bike safety, and they were gone.  It was now 8:30 and as I pumped in the pool with my arm buoys and water jogged around the deep end I envisioned them in my head riding the route.

Then it thundered.  We live in Florida and in the summer here we have night storms.  Sometimes it rains.  Sometimes we have lightning.  Most of the time it thunders.  I looked up at the thunderheads, figured they would hold off a half an hour since they were in the opposite direction of where the girls were headed, and got out of the pool.  The entire time I showered I worried.  What if someone in a van pulls over in the neighborhood and  grabs Darcy off of her bike?  What would Madison do?  Would she think to get the license number?  To call 911 on her cell phone?  What if Madison falls off of her bike and hits her head?  What would Darcy do?  Would she allow a stranger to help them?  And on and on it went until I was hyperventilating in the shower.

I got out and got dressed, and as I dressed I pictured Darcy calmly taking control of any situation because for the most part Darcy does this.  Her teachers always told us this in conferences and even when I don't know the answer to something Darcy will find it out and report back.  I relaxed some as Darcy handled my imaginary scenarios, and then my phone rang.

Madison:  "I'm just calling to tell you that we are headed back.  We didn't get to Redbox because Darcy doesn't know where she is going and she is freaking out because of the thundering."
Me:  "You guys are lost?  OMG.  How can you not know where you are?  We have driven that neighborhood plenty of times.  I knew it.  I knew it."
Madison:  "Ok, first of all, you and Darcy need to calm down.  I know where I am.  I'm not concerned other then the fact that Darcy is pedaling like a maniac because of the thunder and lightning.  I just wanted to tell you what was going on."

Her calm, collected voice reassured me and I told them to be careful.  Then I got into my car and headed into the other neighborhood to find them, to pick up the DVDs, and to return them before 9:00.  It was now getting dark and the storm clouds were rolling in at an alarming rate.  I turned into the neighborhood and peered down each road that they could have chosen to take to get to Redbox.  I didn't see them on any of them.  I then drove down them, getting more frantic each road I traveled as they weren't on any of them.  I tried calling both their phones and got no answer.  It was now completely dark and the radio was informing me that we were under a severe thunderstorm warning.  I cried some as I wondered aloud where could they be.  I tried blocking out the horrible thoughts swirling through my head and then my phone rang.

Madison:  "We are fine.  We are almost home."
Me:  "WHERE ARE YOU?  I am driving looking for you.  OMG!"
Madison:  "Mom, seriously, calm down.  You need to relax.  So does Darcy.  We are walking our bikes along the road and we are almost to our street.  I really can't talk on the phone or I'm going to lose Darcy who is running like a crazy person."
Me:  "Ok, ok.  Be careful."

I hung up and turned my car around and sure enough found them where Madison said they were about to turn into our street.  I barely saw them as it was now completely dark outside and they had no lights on their bikes.  I relaxed.  I led them up the street to our house where they parked their bikes.  Darcy ran into my arms. She was worried about the lightning and the thunder and she couldn't remember which road was which and it had all been too much.  Why did I say yes?  Madison stood behind her rolling her eyes.  She explained that she knew where they were, but Darcy wouldn't listen to her.  She had finally taken out her phone and pulled up the area and shown Darcy where they needed to go and they had followed her instructions, but when they got to where the store where the Redbox was located Darcy had not wanted to cross the street and was too worried about the approaching storm to think beyond that.  Then she had taken off pedaling like she was in the Tour de France time trials and it took all Madison had not to lose her.

Darcy:  "I'll try it again tomorrow when it isn't lightning."
Me:  "Uh, NO.  No, that is the last time you are going outside without me.  I said no in the first place and you guilted me into this and look what happened.  Never again.  Not until you are heading off to college."
Darcy:  "I'll try again tomorrow."

I knew she was right.  She needed to get right back on that bike and attempt it again, but I'm having such a hard time with letting her do it. While I had thought Darcy was the one that would keep a cool head it had been Madison, the elder, who had done so.  It made me feel more relaxed about Madison and her learning to drive, another thing that I'm having issues with.  I've spent my entire life as a mother keeping them safe and now I'm suppose to just let go?  Is there a book on this that I haven't read yet?  Deep down I know that I have to do this.  I have to open my arms and gently push them out into the world and trust them to remember what we have taught them, but then my less than normal worry brain congers up all sorts of horrific imagines and I'm pulling them closer. 

This is our summer for trying new things, but luckily it stormed most of the next day.  Of course, I had already decided that I would go out first and buy a bike for myself so that I could follow at a safe distant.  Little steps.  No, I wouldn't do that.  But it isn't a bad idea.