TP or not to TP

Warning: If you have aversion to discussing the back end, don't read further. Heck, probably might not want to even read this blog!

Awhile ago we had issues with our septic system, and after several visits and cleanings by our plumber, we switched to one ply toilet paper. I use to use Northern toilet paper and swore that not using it was the reason why Darcy had so many urinary issues as a small child. I started carrying a roll with us when we traveled and always purchased some wherever we landed. At some point Northern even offered up three ply paper, and I feel that might really be the reason why we had trouble. I never paid attention to that nonsense before our septic troubles, but after black, smelly gunk seeped up from the drains into our showers I took notice.

My mother had switched long ago to one ply after a recommendation from her plumber. She purchased Scott and I did not care for that at all. I always felt like I had to use twice as much to keep my cleans clean and it was scratchy and irritating. Scott was what my plumber recommended too, and when I told him my feelings on the brand he told me there were a couple of other brands out there. And so I headed to Target, my store of choice for toilet paper.

My Target has rearranged its store so that the toilet paper section is in the very back of the store in a corner and takes up both sides of an aisle, even snaking around the corner of one wall. I roamed up and down the aisle reading the labels of various brands of toilet paper until I discovered Charmin Basic. Charmin Basic is a one ply tissue sold by the maker of the "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" Mr. Whipple commercials of my day. Knowing that this brand, although not the one ply, was the brand of choice for my friend Kelly, I decided that I would try this brand first and threw it into my cart.

Success! The family loved it. The septic loved it. Charmin Basic was the winner before I even attempted another brand. Target sold it for a $16.79 for 36 double rolls which meant it was like having 72 rolls of toilet paper right there in your home! Charmin had coupons for $.25 in the Sunday paper and sometimes for $1.00. Target would put the brand on sale occasionally, but it was rarely lower than $16.00. My mother's grocery store would sometimes put a smaller version on sale for under $6.00 with a coupon, but that wasn't often.  Walmart did not sell the one ply in Charmin. All in all I was happy with this choice and happy that we hadn't seen our plumber in over a year.

Right before my family came into town I went to Target to stock up on paper as this was the Mason side of the family, and for those who know us, enough said. For those who don't, well, suffice it to say that the term "Mason Fecal Update" was coined about our family. I got to Target and went directly to the lets-put-it-back-here-so-no-one-knows-that-people-buy-toilet-paper ailse only to discover that THERE WAS NO CHARMIN BASIC. I didn't panic and figured they were out of it and would have it again in a week. Wrong! In a week I returned and there was no sign of Charmin Basic ever having been on the walls at one time. I thought it odd. I tried Walmart on the off chance that they had it suddenly, but no go. I even drove thirty minutes out of my way to the only KMart left in our area. Nothing. I was resigned to paying top dollar for a smaller amount at the grocery.

Darcy: "Why don't you buy it online?"
Me: "Please. Where would I find that?"
Darcy: "Amazon."
Me: "Amazon? Amazon isn't going to sell toilet paper. Pfft."
Darcy: "Amazon sells everything."
Me: "Who buys toilet paper online?"
Darcy: "Sarina's mom does. She buys all of their toilet paper online at Amazon."

Really? So I googled it, and of course I could buy toilet paper online. At Amazon! And a dozen more places that were willing to ship me cases of toilet paper or sign me up for monthly shipments at a discounted rate. I hadn't thought about businesses needing the stuff. The only problem that I saw with the online idea was the $9.69 shipping fee. There were various prices on the toilet paper itself and various prices on the shipping, but none was cheaper then what I had been paying at Target.

I panicked. My god! What would we do? My toilet paper was becoming obsolete. Charmin had decided to not produce it any more. Target wasn't selling it any more. Soon Publix would be out of it, I just knew it. Then what would happen? What would we do?

Me: "We are going to have to start getting more magazine subscriptions."
Darcy: "Why?"
Me: "To use the pages for toilet paper! Our toilet paper is no more!"
Darcy: "Ugh. Why would we do that?"
Me: "Because that is what people did in the olden days. They used pages from magazines."
Darcy: "They had magazines back then, but not toilet paper? Wouldn't that be scratchy and uncomfortable?"
Me: "This is why I'm so upset!"
Darcy: "We can just switch to Grandma's toilet paper. She has a bunch of it in The Condo."

Switch? To that awful Scott brand? It was unthinkable. I worried for days over this world ending dilemma, but those I told the story to didn't seem to share my concern. Then one day before our family arrived Darcy and I went into Lowe's to purchase a shower caddy. As we carried it up to the Self Check-out line Darcy suddenly stopped and a big, wide smile came over her face. I stared at her. What? She pointed behind me and when I turned around there, sitting on a wooden pallet in the middle of the store, was a stack of Charmin Basic toilet paper. Twenty-four double roll packs piled on top of one another for $10.

I bought several. Toilet paper at Lowe's. Who knew? Although I have the feeling this was a one time thing, I didn't look a gift horse in the mouth. We are saved! At least for a few more weeks. In the meantime, I'm sure I can find other significant things to worry about.