Does the queen even eat BLTs?

BLT night was a treat at my house. At least that's the way I remember it. I loved BLT night. We had the sandwiches, fresh Indiana corn on the cob, and homemade iced sweet tea. The only downside to that night was the rule that my brother and I had to eat one slice of tomato either on a sandwich or on our plate. My brother and I did not care for tomatoes. I always ate my tomato on my first sandwich so that I could enjoy my BL sandwich last.

I have such fond, vivid memories of the teapot steeping the bags of tea, my mother sweating over sizzling bacon on the stove, and my job (among others) of getting out the white bread to put on the table with the toaster. Back in my day everything was done properly. We didn't just put the loaf of bread on the table. We put slices on a plate that went on the table. On BLT night I counted out the slices; two for one sandwich a piece. We ate one pound of bacon between the four of us and each slice was counted out so that we usually ended up with one and a half sandwiches each. Some of us liked our bread toasted and some of us did not. Because of that we left the extra bread slices in the plastic bread bag so that they would stay fresh and "squishy" as my brother and I said.

When we got back from the UK my friend Sharon had left us a pound of bacon and a loaf of bread. I bought the rest of the ingredients and we had BLT night. Dinner at my house is not very proper. About a year ago we quit eating at the dinner table. Tom was never home in time, the girls were off at various activities, and we rarely were all together. I got in the habit of eating on the couch in front of the television. Eventually the girls joined me there. On the weekends we all do better, but during the week we serve in the kitchen and eat in the dining room. Depending on what we are having I either leave food in the pans or put them in a bowl on the counter.

That night I must have still been in vacation mode where we had eaten together properly, and so I had the bacon on a plate, the tomato sliced up on a plate with the torn lettuce, the corn in the pot, and the tea in a pitcher. I got out a plate and put six slices of bread on it; four for the girls and two for me. Tom was not home yet from work and so I didn't put any out for him. I assembled my plate and sat down. Madison appeared first when called to dinner.

Madison: "Is this all of the bread?"
Me: "No. We have a whole loaf."
Madison: "Whose plate is this?"
Me: "Nobody's. That's the bread plate. Two pieces for you and two pieces for Darcy."
Madison: "Is there only enough bread for one sandwich?"
Me: "No. There's a whole loaf of bread. I left the rest in there to keep it fresh."
Madison: "I was going to make both of my sandwiches now."
Me: "Then get more bread."
Madison: "Why didn't you just put out the loaf of bread for us to get it? Why would you dirty a plate?"
Me: "Because this is the posh way of doing things."
Madison: "Well that's stupid."

She assembled her plate and sat down. Darcy then wandered in to make her plate.

Darcy: "Is this all of the bread?"
Madison: (giggling) "See!"
Me: "No. There is a whole loaf of bread."
Darcy: "Why are there only two pieces of bread on this plate? Am I only allowed two pieces of bread?"
Me: "Oh, my god! No. You can have as many pieces as you want. Just leave some bacon for your dad."
Darcy: "Is there any bread for Dad?"
Madison: "I told you. It's weird the way you did that."
Me: "I wanted to just put out what we are using now. That way the bread is fresh for the next sandwich."
Darcy: "But why didn't you just put out the loaf of bread for us to get our bread out of in the first place?"
Madison: (laughing) See. I told you. That would have made more sense."
Me: "Because that is the proper way."
Madison: "Proper way? For whom?"
Me: "For us. Would you put the loaf of bread out if you were serving the queen?"
Darcy: "We aren't exactly proper people, you know."
Madison: "And the queen isn't here for dinner."
Darcy: "And aren't we just getting out the loaf of bread when we get the bread for the second sandwich anyway?"
Madison: "It really doesn't make any sense. You are always trying to do "posh things" and they don't make sense."
Me: "Then make your own damn dinner. I don't care."
Madison: "Well, now you're just getting angry."
Me: "Yes. Because I'm trying to eat and you're giving me indigestion. That's the way my mother did it when I was a kid and that's the way I did it tonight. Okay?"
Madison: "It's just weird."
Darcy: "It's stupid."

She assembled her sandwich. We all ate sitting on the couch watching television. About halfway through our sandwiches, Tom came home. Normally he comes homes and cleans the pool and takes the dog outside to play or other things. He never eats right away. His dinner time is usually after nine o'clock after everything is cleaned up and in the refrigerator. Not tonight.

Tom: "I smell bacon. Yum. Did you leave me any?"
Me: "Yes, it is all sitting out there. Are you going to eat now?"
Tom: "I am. I'm starving. I didn't get lunch."

He went into the kitchen, the dog trailing behind. We could hear him talking to the dog and opening and closing cabinets and drawers as he got a plate and silverware.

Tom: "Wow. Tomatoes. Did you guys eat tomatoes?"
Me: (lying) Yes, we each ate a slice on our sandwiches."
Tom: "You're lying. Do we not have any bread?"
Madison and Darcy burst out laughing hysterically.
Me: "Yes, we have bread. It's in the bread box."
Tom: "Well, why isn't it out here with the rest of the stuff."
Madison: "Because Mom was being posh and putting it out on a plate."
Tom: "Well you can just set the loaf out here with the rest of the food and we can help ourselves."

More laughter ensued. I got up to leave the room before I burst out laughing too. I looked up at my mom's ashes where she overlooks our room.

Me: "They will never be invited to meet the queen I'm afraid. I'm sorry. At least you can rest easy knowing I will be properly prepared."
Madison: "Yes, but Grandma knows we already met the queen."
Darcy: "And I bet the queen doesn't even eat BLT sandwiches."