Finding my new way

It has been two weeks since Madison went off to college. It feels like two months. She is well and happy, at least she sounds it from her phone calls. She is scheduling her homework, getting up on her own for classes, adjusting to sharing a room, and managing her college accounts. She calls us with stories of college life and she giggles. We Facetime and she looks great. My little shining ginger. Sometimes the ache I feel in her being gone overwhelms me. At those moments I take the time to feel the emotions and then I think of how exciting this time is for her. I am so proud of her and so happy that she has gone with a decision she made on her own.

I did not fall apart when she left. Everyone said I would. Mothers who have gone before me on this route warned me. "Take boxes of Kleenex," they wrote on social media. But I didn't need more than a couple of handfuls of tissues. It was sad, but it was so exciting. She was ready for this. I didn't come home and grieve. Instead I cleaned her room and washed her sheets and made her bed. I sniffed a little at Elmo and Cuddly sitting left behind on her bed. They have gone everywhere with her. She hauled them in a backpack to Costa Rica. But this summer they stayed behind while we traveled. They don't seem sad either. They know the drill. We all had time to prepare.

The dynamics of our family of four shifting to a family of two three was immediate. One child went to college. One child got her drivers license and a car. The thought that I would have time with my youngest while the eldest was out of the house wasn't realistic. She has freedom, and friends, and places to explore. Tom and I took a look at each other. "Oh, hello there." We keep busy. A few days a week I'm "nanny" to my friend's daughter after school. She enjoys spending time together and talks. Tom is slowly getting back into swimming. I'm looking into photography classes and finding projects to start. I'm open to traveling.

It's funny how fast childhood goes when you are a parent. Blink and that baby you brought home in your arms is an adult and out into the world. I don't regret a moment of our decision for me to stay at home. I've loved every second of every minute of my job even in those moments where I didn't think I did. We've raised two great kids who are spreading their wings and that is how it should be. It is up to me to stand back now in their shadows to watch them fly and to be there just in case I'm needed. I'm working hard at embracing that. That part isn't easy, but I stop and tell myself this is their time now. No matter how far away they go I'm still their mother. That job hasn't ended.

And I'm reminded of that when Madison calls unexpected just to tell me something that happened in her day. I may be several hundred miles away, but she still wants to share her life with me. I'm reminded of that when I pack the youngest's lunch box every morning and attend her swim meets. Life is just different now. Excuse me while I get some Kleenex.