From the archives - Ruth Wellington

I don't remember what year this started, early 2000's, but Kelly had this picture of herself all wrapped up in a fur and she gave herself the name Ruth Wellington. We thought that sounded like the name of an advice columnist and we started the column on my blog. Even my mother got into submitting questions for Ruth. All of these questions and answers were tucked nicely into a file marked "ruth", and I thought this would make a nice laugh after my weekend football entries. And I'm certain that if anyone has any questions, ole Ruth could be persuaded to make a comeback.

Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth Wellington,

First of all I would like to tell you what a huge fan of yours I am.  It's not so much that I really like you as much as I am 800 pounds.  Anyway, I was recently at my 17th birthday party, which we celebrated at my family's estate at the Itchy Pines Trailer Park in Tuscaloosa, Alabama - we have TWO lots, one without a trailer on it!  My mother was serving her famous Cool Whip surprise, when she lifted up her dress, AND SHE WASN’T WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR!  My question, then, is this. Is it ever acceptable to serve Cool Whip surprise on paper plates? 

-----Chef Concierge, Radisson Hotel & Suites – Tupelo 

Dear Concierge,

You are only 17 years old and already working in the fast and glamorous world of concierging?  You must be quite the go-getter and not just in terms of  your trips to the buffet at the Sizzler! Yes.  Not only is it acceptable to serve Cool Whip surprise on paper plates, it is preferable, as Cool Whip can, under certain circumstance, strip the finish of most china and all Pfaltzgraf dinnerware.  Thank you for writing.

*****

Dear Mrs. Wellington:

I appreciate your advice so much.  I hope you can help me with my problem.  I am a very refined lady of a certain age, and I always like to do the right thing and comport myself in the proper manner.
At times though it seems that nature is stronger than I.  At the most  inopportune times I have passed gas and have been mortified. What do you suggest I do? Waiting for your answer.

-----Miss Ann

Dear Miss Ann:

First of all let me say that I am MS. Wellington, not Mrs. Wellington, well not anymore. When in social situations, it might be preferable for you to excuse yourself to an isolated patio or the front seat of an unlocked car and release your flatulence in privacy.  Or try Beano.  It worked like a dream for my 4th husband, Henry. Of course Henry was such a nightmare that flatulence was his best quality, but that's a story for another time.   When all else fails and something slips out, turn around, stomp on the floor and exclaim, "I do believe I hear the mating call of the Arkansas Barking Spider." 

*****

Dear Ruth,
Forgive my bluntness, but just what are your credentials and experience for advice giving? Do you have any references?
-----Curious in Davenport, IA

Dear Curious:

Nothing wrong with being blunt. You Iowans are especially so, so I hear. My experience? Well for 25 years, people who know me, and those that don't, have received my advice. I've had no complaints. My credentials? Well, I don't have much of what you Midwesterners call book-learning, but I did graduate from the school of hard knocks. Oh, I know that sounds cliched, but in my case, it's absolutely true. References? Do you want to ask the millions and millions of people I have helped over the years? Well, I am sorry but I don't have time in my busy day to send you all the names and addresses. If I took time out to compile such a gigantic list, I wouldn't have time to change lives and offer hope the way I do.

*****

Dear Ms. Wellington,

I have a terrible time finding shoes that fit.  My pedicurist charges me extra.  Everyone says I should have my sixth digit removed, but I'm afraid I'll feel like part of me is missing.  What would you do?

-----Toeing the Line in Tennessee

Dear TLT:
I say ask one of your friends who has had some orthopedic or plastic surgery recently to recommend a surgeon to you. That's right, have it removed! My goodness, you can't buy shoes, we're talking about shoes, girls; you're shelling out more money to the beauty salon; well it's all too much to imagine. 

As for your fear that you will feel like part of you is missing, it won't be a problem. A sixth toe is a nifty conversation piece if you don't mind having it hang awkwardly off the side of your foot if you find someone who would actually want to discuss it with you. It's really just a "spare" that nature gave you. You won't miss it at all. Do you miss your hair when you get it cut? Have you ever missed that thin layer of skin you slough off every day? Ever long to see the fingernail clipping you lost back in 1973? Of course not. In fact you will probably be able to fit into a smaller shoe size post-surgery, you lucky girl! I feel certain you will not regret this decision.

*****

Dear Ms. Wellington,

I am a recently divorced housewife (I still don't know why) and I am in need of work.  It is most important that I look the part and would like to know how I can achieve a look like yours.  Please don't let me down.

-----Puffy Pastry

Dear P.P.

I am flattered that you want to copy my style for your career girl look. And bully for you, getting out into the workforce again. I, too, have been divorced and every now and then also wonder how it could have happened (again)? I can't give you all my beauty and fashion secrets, but here are some definite must-do's for the woman just starting out:

1. Splurge on shaving razors! You can do without that dessert after lunch and then channel that money toward good razors. Nothing mars an otherwise lovely lady like nicks and ingrown hairs.
2. Stay away from dark colored liquors. Red wines and blackberry brandy are okay, but for hard liquor, stick with vodka, gin, rum, silver tequila and everclear. Clear liquors promote vitality and help keep the pounds off.
3. When putting on your nice outfit in the morning, remember that the best accessory is a smile. It goes with everything!!! 

Good Luck!