Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth,

I have a friend who is always coughing, hacking, sneezing, snorting, and making horrible noises when I am on the phone with her. I know she has some health problems, but don't you think she should cover the receiver when making these noises?

-----Phone-A-Friend

Dear Phone-A- Friend:

What kind of friend are you??? Your friend obviously has health problems and cannot help making those unpleasant noises. You should really be more sympathetic and understanding. I'm sure your friend is a perfectly refined person on those occasions when she isn't sick.

If it really bothers you that much, stick to emailing or take up old fashioned letter writing. (No one writes letters anymore, except of course to me! A lost art indeed.) 

*****

Dear Ms. Wellington-

I am desperately seeking your advice. I have recently become involved with the hottest, sexiest man on the planet-- things were GREAT for a couple weeks, but as soon as we became sexually intimate, he became distant. I'd like to get things back the way they were. Is this relationship doomed?

-----Ready for Love,

    the Blonde (B) Movie Star

Dear Blond Movie Star:

I could be a "good" role model and advise you that good girls don't have sex before marriage, why buy the cow when the milk is free, and all that sort of thing, but you've already gone and done the dirty deed. So here's some practical advice.

When you say "things were great" for a couple of weeks in the beginning, what exactly do you mean? Was he hot? OK. He was sexy? OK. And then you two had sex, and he became distant...hmmm. Well, I hate to be indelicate, not knowing you all that well, but how are your bedroom skills? As Mr. Hendrix used to ask, are you experienced? Do you keep yourself up, dear? You know, makeup, nice hair, trim figure, well-fitting bras that lift and separate to cross over to a better figure? If so, then something went wrong with the sex.

This relationship was apparently pure physical attraction, and perhaps he was let down with that first experience. He must have been interested in you since he hung around for weeks waiting for the green light from you. It's hard to say since you didn't give me much to go on.

The best advice I can give you is to secretly join a sex therapy group. There you can hone your womanly skills and learn some new and titillating techniques. Now don't be embarrassed to raise your hand during class and ask lots of questions. If you don't ask, how will you learn? Then, after you complete your sessions, invite Mr. Hottie over for a romantic and sexy evening to show off your new "education."

If he is still distant after that, then there can be only one possible answer. Based on my previous experience, and I have MANY, you were obviously his last best chance to try to prove to himself that he's not gay. And it didn't work.

Keep your chin up and your skirt down, darling, and you'll eventually find the right guy.

*****

Dear Ruth Wellington:

I'm heading off to visit a friend next month. While making plans, I suggested parasailing along the beach. When my friend declined, I reminded him that he could tamper with the rope so that the rope would break and I would sail away while I was up in the air. Instead of laughing, he said, "It would almost be worth the money to see that happen." I was very hurt by this, Ruth. I imagined floating off into the sunset until nothing but a dot remained, and I could just see my friend dusting off his hands and heading back home. Should I be offended? Should I now go parasailing with him, or do you think I've just given him an idea?

Hurry with your answer, dear Ruth, as I've only got a month.

-----Should I be a Balloon Girl

Dear Balloon Girl:

I am sure your friend was kidding, just as you were kidding. And I don't think you should go parasailing with your friend. This friend obviously does not want to go. However, if you insist on parasailing while on this visit, I would have a lawyer draw up a will for you before you go. It wouldn't hurt to write out a letter detailing this joking conversation you had with your friend, sealing the letter in an envelope, and giving it to your lawyer or maid with instructions for it to be opened upon your death.

I once had a paramour of mine make a joke about putting poison in my wine. Although I was sure he was joking, don't think for a minute that I didn't check every glass for white residue before drinking. He never did poison me, and we enjoyed almost a year together before his tragic archery accident. 

*****

Dear Ruthie,

I just found out that my sister is sneaking off to Scotland and England and meeting her daughter and son-in-law in London and that they got some kind of fantastic deal on the whole trip, like for almost nothing, and I am hurt and feeling very left out because no one invited me. I never learned how to drive a stick shift car, and that could be part of the problem because that is about the only type of car you can rent overseas, and my sister gets irritated with me when she has to drive all the time and on the other side of the road to boot. But her son-in-law is very talented and can probably drive on the wrong side and do a stick shift. Do you think it would be worth my while to rent or borrow a stick shift and practice? 

But I think it would be dangerous to practice driving on the wrong side here in the USA. This has all just been going round and round in my head, something like the way you have to drive those "roundabouts" in the wrong direction on the wrong side with a stick shift, and I have had to increase my depressing medications. I don't know if my niece is the one who didn't want me. She is not exactly one of those New England brahmins like the Lowells who "speak only to God," but she IS a Boston lawyer, and you know how they are. I always send her money on her birthday, so I feel like I kind of keep her on a retainer.

Well, howsoever that may be, I am having trouble understanding why they wouldn't want me. And I can speak the language of those countries pretty good and know about Robert Burns and Shakespeare and all. Which makes me think, did they ever figure out who wrote that stuff, Shakespeare or Bacon? I've always liked a good mystery like that, and I usually can figure out who did it before I get to the end. They are leaving in November, and I wonder if you think I should get them all Christmas presents just like I'm not upset or whatever and just bite my tongue and ask about how they liked their trip if I see them at Christmas?

-----Left Behind

Dear Left Behind:

My, my, where to start? First, the easy things. According to visiteurope.com, it is possible to rent an automatic transmission car in Europe. It costs a little more, but you could offer to pay the difference, seeing as you are the one who can't drive the manual transmission. I would definitely urge you NOT to practice driving on the wrong side of the street here in America. I would not even suggest that you try to learn how to drive a stick shift. Based on your letter (no wonder you are taking medicine to depress you), you seem like the nervous type, and nervous women have no business driving stick shift cars.  

My friend Constance Jane would be upset with me if I did not also take the time to correct your grammar. You do not speak languages "pretty good" (apparently not). You may someday speak languages well or fairly well or generally well.

I looked up some poems by Robert Burn, whom you mention, thinking they may have some wisdom to offer you. This passage from "Address to a Haggis" caught my eye:

Then, horn for horn, they stretch n' strive:

De'il tak' the hindmost! on they drive,

Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve

Are bent like drums;

Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,

"Bethankit" hums.

On the other hand, perhaps that won't be as helpful as I thought it would. You also make some mention of Shakespeare really being Bacon. My dear, Shakespeare lived hundreds of years ago. Kevin Bacon is still with us, and he is a movie star, not a playwright. Kevin Bacon has never even portrayed Shakespeare in a movie or mini-series, to my knowledge. 

You also mention the New England Brahmins. The only Brahmin I know in New England is the Brahmin Leather Works in Fairfield, Massachusetts, makers of fine leather purses and other leather products. You can find them at www.store.brahminusa.com.

Let's get down to the bottom line. None of what I have said above will help you with your dilemma, which, as I understand it, is your hurt at not being invited on this European trip and wondering whether you should give these people presents at Christmas time. Yes, of course, you should give them presents. You don't know their reasons for not extending the invitation to you. Get them gifts as if nothing happened (because nothing really did), ask them about their trip with a smile on your face, and take in the inevitable slide show. Be gracious and act interested. After all, the baby Jesus would want you to, and it is his birthday after all.

Then at some point in your time gathered together, when you have had enough mulled wine to pickle a manatee, lash out viciously at them and demand to know why they intentionally hurt you like this. OF COURSE, I am kidding with this last piece of advice, but it would make a fascinating scene to watch.