If you would like to leave a message

Before 8:00 AM our house phone was ringing on Tuesday, and I knew it had to be my husband. As I went to pick up the receiver, I spied his cell phone sitting on the counter and knew the reason for the call. His cell phone is also his work phone. Oops. I volunteered to bring the phone to his office as I had to go pick up my charge's guitar for her lesson later that day.

Me: "But how will I let you know I'm there?"
Tom: "Just come into the front desk."
Me: "No, I do not want to get out of the car and try to find the front desk. I want to drive up and have you waiting. I'll be there at 8:20."
Tom: "You could call my desk."
Me: "I didn't know you even had another phone."
Tom: "Do you want the number?"

I did, and as I wrote it down on a piece of paper lying on my counter, the little voice in my head was saying quietly, "Put this number in your phone because you will forget this paper when you leave." But I poo pooed the voice in my head as I often do, used the paper, brushed my teeth, and headed out the door to pick up the guitar and deliver the phone. I forgot the paper with the number on it, of course. I remembered it after I had the guitar and was halfway to the law enforcement building where my husband works. I kicked myself.

Little Voice: "I told you. I told you to write that number in your phone. I knew you would forget it. Why do you insist on not listening to me? Why do you second guess me? Why? Oh, why? NOW what are you going to do? You're going to have to get out of the car and go into the front office."
Me: "No, I'm going to remember the number. I just wrote it down. I have to be able to pull it out."
Little Voice: "Oh, honey, thanks for the laugh for the day."
Me: "Shut up."

I remembered the first three numbers of the phone number because they were so obscure and so far off from his old work number. I drove and recited those three numbers hoping the others would pop in. I visualized writing them down and the last two numbers came to me. Excitedly, I kept working on the missing two and lo and behold, praise the lord!, the numbers appeared. I had a seven digit number that just might work. I was quite thrilled that my aging brain had recovered these numbers and could barely drive I was so thankful and excited.

Me: "Little Voice? Where are you? You're suspiciously quiet all of a sudden."

I drove into the parking lot which is monitored with cameras. I know this because I've visited the set up and seen all of the monitors in the room where they are manned in all of our county's law enforcement owned buildings. I pictured the employee watching my van pull into the very crowded parking lot. I tried the number as I entered the lot and an automated voice came on. I named her Barbara.

Barbara: "The person you are trying to reach..."
Tom: "Tom B."
Barbara: "is unavailable. If you would like to leave..."

I hung up on Barbara and gritted my teeth. My husband knew I was coming. How dare he take a call on that phone. I tried it again.

Barbara: "The person you are trying to reach..."
Tom: "Tom B."
Barbara: "is unavailable. If you would like to leave..."

I hung up again and tried to bring forth my good feelings about remembering the number in the first place. By now I was making my second drive through of the law enforcement parking lot with a cell phone pasted to my ear. The only empty parking spaces were in the front of the building labeled "Media" and far off at the end of the lot where I couldn't see the doors to the building. I continued to drive. I made a third pass and called the number again.

Barbara: "The person you are trying to reach..."
Tom: "Tom B."
Barbara: "is unavailable. If you would like to leave message, please do so at the beep."
Me: "Buzz off Barbara. Get my husband off the damn phone!"

I pictured the employee who was monitoring the parking lot calling forth his co-hort to look at this suspicious van that was now starting a fourth circle around the lot. I started sweating envisioning the SWAT team rushing out to surround my van to question me. I went to the end of the parking lot and found a space to pull in to park. I called the number again.

Barbara: "The person you are trying to reach..."
Tom: "Tom B."
Barbara: "is unavailable. If you would like to leave a message, please do so at the beep. At the end of the message press star and the pound sign..."
Me: "What? That's crazy."
Barbara: "Or just hang up. Blah, blah, more message I didn't retain, blah, blah."
Me: "That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. If we can just hang up why worry about the star and the pound sign? Jesus, Barbara, you're a pain."
Barbara: "BEEEEEEEEP"
Me: "TOM! GET OFF THE PHONE. I'M IN THE PARKING LOT AND I'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND AND AROUND IN CIRCLES. I TOLD YOU I WOULD BE HERE BY 8:20! GET OFF THE PHONE. ERGGGGGGG"

I pressed star and the pound sign just to be a shit in case Barbara also had eyes on me and hung up. Immediately Tom's cell phone rang. I rolled my eyes because that is right up Tom's alley, calling his phone to be funny. Actually I thought it a tad funny. I picked up the phone and the front had his name as the caller.

Me: "Hello? You're so funny."
Barbara: "You have one new voice mail message."
Me: "Jesus! Barbara? What the hell?"
Barbara: "To listen to your message, press one."
Me: "Okay, fine, I'll play."
Barbara: "Please enter your four digit password code to listen to your message."
Me: "Oh, for heaven's sake, I don't have that code."
Barbara: "Maybe you'll think twice next time about messing with me, huh?"

Okay, she didn't say that last part because I had already hung up on her, but I knew she would have said that or nastier words like it. I picked up my phone and called Tom's number again and he answered.

Tom: "I'm heading down."
Me: "I've been here for hours."
Tom: "I must have been on the phone."
Me: "You think?"

I drove around for the fifth time and waited at the curb to the front of the building. I waved forward, sideways, and backwards, at each camera so that the monitors could see me. Tom appeared and got his phone. I told him to fire Barbara.

Tom: "Who's Barbara?"
Me: "The little shit who takes your messages. I left you a message."
Tom: "Really? That's weird. She usually calls my cell phone when you leave a message....oh."
Me: "You're laughing. Hilarious."
Tom: "She's prompt, isn't she?"
Me: "We'll discuss it later. I'm going home to think of ways to get back at her."