Archives 2004 - Turning 40

Last Archive for now, but I found this one to be interesting. I've been down in the dumps, had some health issues, and have been trying so hard to not let old age, etc. get me down. I'm the queen of self pep talks all of a sudden in 2017. Here I thought it was this time in my life right now only to find this entry ten plus years ago.

Prior to this entry I found out I had high blood pressure, AT 39. Lord, I thought that had happened after 40. Then came this entry about turning 40, and WHOA, nothing has changed in ten years! I have seriously got to make some changes starting now.

November 16, 2004

I am sitting here at my desk as the time ticks down to the 17th of November. I am 39 years old. Tomorrow when I wake I will be the big 4-0. I have been dreading this day. Forty seems so old, and I don't want to be old, and so I'm feeling melancholy. I haven't let myself think about it, as compared to my SIL's health, another birthday is nothing. But just now, for a few minutes, I'm letting myself sniffle and whine.

I have many regrets. Things I have done. Things I should've done. They run through my mind now as I take a look back through my last forty years.

• I regret not getting weight off when I was younger and it was easier.
• I regret the way I handled things that resulted in the loss of a good friendship.
• I regret not earning more money or having a means to earn it if my circumstances would change.
• I regret not listening to my father more.
• I regret all the sniping and snipping I've done with my mother.
• I regret not writing.
• I regret the way I treated my SIL years ago.
• I regret letting a boy feel me up under the bushes of my bedroom, and letting him make me feel small.
• I regret hurting someone else for that said boy.
• I regret my lethargic attitude when traveling to Europe in 8th grade due to that stupid boy.
• I regret not taking my Dad with me when I purchased my first car.
• I regret not making a will.
• I regret all the times I stewed inside instead of letting others know how I felt.
• I regret being too scared to make changes.
• I wish I had handled high school differently.
• I wish I could have been stronger and had more self-confidence.
• I wish I hadn't been so scared of life.
• I wish I could take back all the stupid things I've said over the years.
• I wish I could redo the last conversation I had with my SIL.
• I wish I had a better relationship with my brother.
• I wish I had done better in school.
• I wish I could have appreciated school. 
• I wish I had stood up to a bully better.
• I wish I was as carefree as I was when I was playing games in my yard at 8200.
• I wish I had attended the funerals of my uncle and my neighbor.
• I wish I hadn't lost touch with friends from OMCC.
• I wish I had some fashion sense.
• I wish I could control my worrying.

There are so many more regrets and wishes, after all I have lived 40 years, but my time of whining is up. Looking back, I wonder if I'll be able to change those regrets, work through them, fix the ones I didn't mention. Probably not...I'm too old to change.