Plumbing issues

During one of my non-sleeping nights recently, I sat up in bed because of a noise in my bathroom, which turned out to be my toilet running. At 3:22 a.m. Long time readers know how I don't turn on lights even in the early, dark mornings, and so, I proceeded to take off the back of the toilet tank with only my nightlight as a guide. 

We replaced our toilet recently, and these new-fangled commodes no longer have the chain, the piece that usually falls off of the thing-a-ma-bob attached to the rubber stopper, and is the cause of a toilet always running ninety percent of the time. Instead, I stared at the inner workings that led to my turning on the bathroom light. Just to be sure I wasn't hallucinating. 

Yep. No clue. I turned off the water, solving the problem until morning. Only then I lay in bed, worried my husband would get up and use the toilet, setting off a chain reaction beginning with why the toilet wasn't filling. I lay there for another ten minutes trying to talk myself down from waking him. 

It's like waking a sleeping bear. My girls learned early on not to come to his side of the bed. Hell, even the dog comes to me in the night. 

On the rare occasions when waking him is a necessity, I prepare myself for the tirade. It always consists of a time update, how he doesn't understand, and involves questions as to why I noticed said problem at this time of the night. 

For example:

When five-year-old Madison came to my side of the bed to tell me she thought she was going to throw up, and then did so while I was leaping out of my bed shouting for her to get over the toilet.

Tom: "It's two o'clock in the morning! Why would you come in to tell us you were going to throw up? That doesn't even make sense. Not at two o'clock in the morning."

When our hamster escaped and climbed into our window blinds, and I thought it was a citrus rat.

Tom: "It's one o'clock in the morning. I don't understand why a rat would be in our bedroom at one o'clock in the morning. Go back to sleep."

Recently, at 1:20 a.m. I discovered our pool vacuum was not working. 

Each time I go to the toilet in the night, I can hear the pool vacuum busily cleaning our pool. It's a soothing sound. A sound of an appliance doing its job to make my life easier. I've grown fond of the noise, and it is quite loud when the bathroom window is open. 

The pump is outside our bathroom window, and when I sat down on the toilet, I immediately noticed the absence of my soothing pool vacuum and immediately recognized that the pool pump was having problems. Hello, I was in pool management for over thirty years!

Instead of bothering the husband, I went outside to investigate, agreed with my first assessment of a pool pump issue, and attempted to turn off the pump. I couldn't. For some reason, I could not get the pump shut off, and worried that the motor would burn out, I woke the husband and gently gave him a quick version of how I discovered the problem.

Tom: "It's one o'clock in the morning. I don't understand how you knew the pool pump was having an issue at one o'clock in the morning."

Me: "I could hear it making noises outside our bathroom window."

Tom: "At one o'clock in the morning?"

Me: "Yes, Big Ben, I was using the toilet. Normally, I hear the vacuum cleaning the pool. That's not the sound I heard tonight. It's beside the point. I'm sorry to bother you, but I can't get the pump shut off. It won't budge."

Tom: "It's just a switch. It goes on and off. I'm still having trouble understanding how you knew something was wrong with the pump. It's one o'clock in the morning."

Me: "It's actually 1:32 a.m. Are you going to help me, or not?"

He did. He had no trouble turning off the pump, and then because he couldn't understand why it wasn't working, he attempted to fix it, all the while griping about the time. I finally convinced him to let it go and to go back to bed. But not before I had a laughing spell, which always happens when he gives me a time update.

Tom: "I'm glad you can laugh at one o'clock in the morning. I need to sleep. I have to go to work."

So, not wanting a repeat, I was talking myself off the ledge of waking him for the toilet issue when suddenly he sat up and began to get out of bed. Yes! He had to make a trip into the bathroom.

Me: "FYI. The toilet is running, so I shut off the water."

He froze, glanced at the clock, and shook his head.

Tom: "It's three o'clock in the morning."

Me: "Yes, I know. I got up to use the bathroom, and the toilet didn't shut off. I tried to solve the problem, but I don't know these newfangled toilets, and so I just shut off the water."

Tom: "I don't understand how you knew the toilet was running at three o'clock in the morning."

And we were off. I eventually started laughing. He ultimately got the toilet to stop running, got back into bed, and groused some more, alerting me to the fact it was a $5 part from Home Depot. Then he went to sleep. I, however, lay awake, wondering:

• Am I supposed to buy the $5 part?
• How will I know what part he is talking about?
• Is this $5 part considered essential while we are quarantined?
• If he says he will buy it, I need to remind him that Home Depot closes early now. He'll need to leave work before that.

Of course, I was too groggy the next morning when he woke me to say good-bye and thus didn't get any of the above mentioned to him before he departed. Of course, the toilet started running after the first flush. I turned off the water, and when he returned that evening, I reminded him the water was off. 

The hubby turned to Oleg man to man.

Tom: "I get this voice at three o'clock in the morning, telling me the water to the toilet is shut off."

Oleg, having heard the story already from me, wisely refrained from commenting, and Tom went out into the garage, returning with a spare part he'd taken out of another toilet.

He took me into the bathroom to educate me on the operations of the new toilet. Oleg came along because--man to man.

I pulled out my phone as soon as the lid came off and took pictures. Oleg raised an eyebrow. 

Me: "Get used to it, buddy. I have a blog to maintain."

The toilet was fixed lickety-split. Oh, and so was the pool pump. It just needed priming. 

Fingers crossed this doesn't come in threes. 

At (fill in the number) in the morning!!!