Steph and Maggie weren't ready to relax, and they had some places they wanted to check out that Kim and I had zero interest in, so off they went. Felling out of sorts after visiting the knife place, I took a shower. That's when I noticed some tiny flying insects in the corner of our shower.
Hmm...didn't Steph mention that earlier?
I finished, dressed, and stared at the dust on top of our valance and on the headboard of my bed. Then, I marched into the master bathroom and took a good look at the mulch bugs. That required getting on my hands and knees and using my phone to magnify the little suckers.
Why? Why, after shelling out thousands upon thousands of dollars for these resort points, could Wyndham not offer me a top-tier vacation unit?
Now, I was even more down in the dumps, which annoyed me because I was on vacation! It's a good thing that Darcy called when she did. After letting me vent, she did a role reversal.
Darcy: "Mom! Mom, if this were me calling you, what would you tell me? You'd have me march across that street to tell these people this is unacceptable. Oleg and I were in a much more modern place when we were there a few months ago. They have better units. Now, get up and go to the office and demand one of those. You are a Presidential Owner. This is not okay."
She gave me more, and it was enough to fire me up. I asked Kim to drive me across the street (because walking was a death trap), and I marched up to Katie and reiterated everything from my disappointment upon arrival to the cleanliness and to the fact I had brought guests and was highly embarrassed.
She couldn't have been nicer. Apologizing, she told me she could move us tomorrow morning, offered to call in cleaning people, and said she'd send maintenance immediately for the bug issue. I declined the cleaning people but took her up on everything else. She also gave me a gift card for dinner "on us."
I didn't tell her $75 wouldn't exactly feed four people dinner.
Instead, I took it, and Kim drove me back across the street, where Steph and Maggie had returned to find two maintenance guys waiting. They were investigating the shower bugs, and upon hearing we would be moving the next day, they were relieved because they thought the bugs were leeches.
Turns out they were drain larvae. Maggie and I researched that, using leeches as our starting point. Great to have IN the drain, but not what one wants to see or deal with OUTSIDE of the drain. As they mature, they morph into small flying insects like the ones we had in the corner of our showers. I apologized to Steph for not hearing her earlier and to all of them for not insisting on a better unit at check-in. Steph was sorry I was upset. She is definitely on the top of my list of people to take on vacation. Super Chill Gal.
That settled, we went to the Apple Barn and Cider Mill, a recommended farm-to-table tourist place. We roamed through the shops. I bought some apple coffee and jam. Then we ate at one of their restaurants. It was one of those all-you-can-eat chicken meals with potatoes, mac n' cheese, pole beans, and biscuits. We were underwhelmed with the food. Breakfast might have been better.
From here, we headed back to the resort for Wyndham's Mystery Night, which was across the street from our larvae unit.
Note to future Wyndham Smoky Mountain Users: Across the street are the more modern units and activities.
A female employee--Jane, to protect the innocent--welcomed us and told us to have a seat. At our table were paper information packets that had been through the wringer. Jane herself acted the same. She was definitely a clock watcher.
There were quite a few players, about 20, at various tables. Jane stood at the front of the room with a paper pad on an easel. She had us look at our stapled papers and then chose someone to read aloud, like in elementary school.
Jane: "Who wants to read the next paragraph?"
Me: "No one. We hated this shit as kids, why would we volunteer to do it as adults?"
Okay, I only said that in my head, but she made someone read the premise and each character and their background. It took FOREVER. Plus, the whole thing was convoluted. But Maggie and I took notes like we were on Pigeon Forge's police payroll. And let me tell you, there was a lot of nonsense evidence.
- Photographs
- Screen shots from a "security camera"
- A flyer and a newspaper clipping
- Shoe prints
- A matchbox with a number on it
- A ransom note
- A police citation
It went on and on, and each time we thought we'd have time to study the evidence, Jane would ruin it and give us the answer.
Jane: "Okay, who are our suspects?"
Lady 1: "Chris."
Jane: "Oh, definitely." She writes this down on her large paper pad.
Lady 2: "Cherie."
Jane writes this down.
Man: "Donna."
Jane: "Donna? DONNA? Um, why do you think Donna? Why would you think Donna?"
An explanation is given.
Jane: "I think we'll leave Donna off the list for now."
At one point, she had us look at physical evidence and pictures on her paper pad. I studied the boot and shoe imprints and matched them to the shoes and boots confiscated by the cops. But Jane shot me down with one of her ho-hum-can't-be-her comments and then asked us who we thought had done the dirty deed.
Man: "Donna."
I thought Jane would burst a blood vessel. Instead, she interrupted the man mid-explanation, opened a sealed envelope, and read off a weird paragraph that told us Cheri and Chris were the culprits.
Jane: "There you have it. Thank you for coming. Goodnight."
We all sat there in stunned silence while Jane began cleaning up the room. It was 7:00 on the nose.
Steph: "What just happened? Is that it?"
Now, I was about to burst a blood vessel, especially having already been annoyed by Wyndham and their drain larvae and dusty, run-down units.
I decided I should walk back to the unit. Steph and Maggie agreed to accompany me.
I bitched the entire way.
Then we laughed.
Then we veered off to play putt-putt. Maggie handed me a club and a purple ball. I lined up my putt, hit it, and it barely rolled. Because the ball was PAINTED STYROFOAM!
Are you kidding me? Wyndham can't even spring for golf balls at their putt-putt course?
I left. When I got back to the unit, I wrote a scathing Yelp review before I could even settle down enough for game night.
Tomorrow can not come fast enough.
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