Plumbing issue #1,024

Yesterday I got up immediately when my alarm sounded at 7:15 AM so that I could get to the gym to meet a friend for a workout.  My friend did not show up, but that is another story.  I did my workout, alone, and when I got home I cleaned my master bedroom and bathroom.  I stripped the bed and threw the sheets into my washing machine, and while I waited for them to get scrubbed I did my mountain of ironing.

I despise ironing probably more than my yearly gynecology exam.  I usually only do ironing during football season because it gives me something to do with all my nervous energy, but because the shorts I bought for Costa Rica are the wrinkly, look like you slept in them for a week kind I've had to do ironing if I want to be seen in public.  So I turned on my recently discovered Army Wives series on Netflix and began the ironing.  When I was finished, the show was not, so I sat down to finish it and to dry out (I'm a Mason...we sweat...ALOT).  Eventually it ended, and being in my "let's get shit done" mode, I headed to do the laundry.

My laundry facility, which really only consists of a washing machine, a dryer, a rolling, hanging piece of equipment handed down from Kelly, and a laundry sorter contraption, is located in my garage right outside the kitchen door.  Everything but the dryer is on a step platform right outside the kitchen door that leads to the neat, but heavily crammed full of crap one car garage.

I opened the kitchen door and started to step out on to the platform/laundry facility when my brain sort of clicked, and a small alarm went off inside my head with a voice that said quietly, "Houston, we have something not quite right here."  My eyes took in the wet floor mats in front of the equipment, the car cleaning items that usually reside deep down in buckets next to the utility sink but were now floating in water, and the water dripping down the step into and under my car in the garage.  My brain started going through more clicks and the voice grew a little louder, "What? the? hell? is? going? on?"  My eyes went from the garage floor, up the step, and to the washing machine.  I saw water all around the machine, and my eyes then traveled to the utility sink which was filled to the brim with soapy water and slowly trickling over the side.  At that point my brain registered and the voice screamed, "FLOOD!  CLOGGED DRAIN!  HELP!"  And my mouth opened, and I yelled for the girls to batten down the hatches, although I knew it was too late.

I'm an expert when it comes to flooding/clogged drains and so are my girls, but I have to say that this was more water volume then I've seen since Pine Creek Dr.  When I opened the garage door so that I could get my car out of the garage water literally poured out of the garage and ran down the driveway.   It was like I had opened the flood gates, and Madison and I stood there with our mouths open wide.

The girls and I had to first empty the sink by carrying buckets of soapy water from the sink to the yard.  We got the water level down to about an inch.  I took a broom and swept the water off the platform down the step into the garage where I then swept it, along with lint, dirt, cobwebs, and leaves, out into the driveway.  I moved out the washing machine and soaked up the water underneath with towels.  I moved out the bookcase where we store items and soaked up the water under it.  I crawled under the utility sink and cleaned up the water under it.  Madison and I had to carry out plastic containers full of Christmas stuff and junk that we only use sparingly or not at all, but are sure we will one day out of the garage and into the driveway.  I threw out all the wet mats, a box of ceiling tiles that were soaked and crumbled as soon as I lifted one out of the box, and most of the car cleaning equipment just because it looked pitiful. When we finished the job I was drenched in sweat and soapy water, Madison was covered in wet dirt up to her knees, and Elliot was lying underneath our oak tree cleaning his paws like a cat.  But the garage looked cleaner then it has in years.

I stood and stared at the water in the utility sink.  I debated whether or not I should dump liquid plumber down the drain, but then decided to call an expert.  I had Darcy bring me the phone, and I called Tom.  He listened and gave his expert advice.

Tom:  Call the plumber.
Me:  Seriously?  How about I dump liquid plumber down it?
Tom:  Why?
Me:  Uh, to see if that fixes the problem?
Tom:  Did you try plunging it with the plunger?
Me:  No, but I can.

I had Darcy bring me the plunger, and I went to work pushing it down and up and down and up, all while holding the telephone between my ear and shoulder and giving a running commentary.

Me:  I'm plunging down and up, down and up.   Nothing is happening so I shall continue.  Down and up, down and up.  I'm plunging and plunging and plunging.  Now I've stopped.  The water is swirling, but that is because I was plunging not because it worked and the drain is pulling the water down.
Tom:  Call the plumber.
Me:  Seriously?  Maybe I can crawl under and take apart the pipes.
Tom:  Why?
Me:  To see if its something simple like a hair barrette or something that Darcy left in her pocket and stopped up the pipe.
Tom:  It isn't right there in the pipes under the sink.  It's going to be farther down in the pipe leading to the ground.  It's a huge pipe.
Me:  Well, the kitchen sink is working and when this has happened in the past the kitchen sink is stopped up too.
Tom:  So?
Me:  So...so...well, I'm just saying
Tom:  What?
Me:  That the kitchen sink isn't stopped up.  It's working fine.  I'm running water in it now and it is draining quite nicely.
Tom:  Call the plumber.

I gave up and called the plumber who could not get out to my house until the next day between 9 and 12.  I then called another expert.  I called my mother.  She of the many floods, clogged drains, and broken equipment pipes on Pine Creek Dr.  She had no advice, but offered plenty of sympathy, and so we spent an hour reminiscing on our flood days back on the homestead.

Eventually my neighbor knocked on the door and told me it was time to meet next door for our chats.  I joined the men and explained why I looked the way I looked.  They scoffed at calling a plumber and asked if I had used liquid plumber.  I said no, Tom didn't want me to do that.  My next door neighbor, Chuck, got up and taking a container of liquid plumber, disappeared into my garage.  He returned and we chewed the fat for several minutes while the deadly stuff worked.  In the middle of one of my stories, Chuck got up and disappeared again into my garage.  When he returned he said the liquid plumber hadn't done any good.  He suggested the other neighbor, Sid, get his snake.  So he went across the street and then we all trooped next door into my garage.

Sid climbed under the utility sink and took off the pipe at a joint.  He put a bucket under it and drained out the inch of water + the liquid plumber.  He stood up and Chuck crawled under the sink and began sticking the snake through the pipe into our wall.  By this point we were all sweating buckets on my clean, dry floor, and mosquitoes had discovered the water and were flying around us.  While Chuck kept feeding in the snake Sid and I jumped around swatting mosquitoes and whining.  Pretty soon the entire snake had gone into the pipe so Chuck removed it, stuck it in again, removed it, put the pipe back together, and Sid turned on the water.  I stood and watched as the sink filled with an inch of water, and then suggested we turn it off.

Me:  Guess that's why Tom said to call a plumber.

The men admitted defeat, packed up their tools, and left.  I carried the contaminated water down to the curb and dumped it into the street.  I hosed off my laundry baskets and moved back all the now dry containers into the garage.  I closed the garage and went inside to shower.

This morning my alarm went off at 8:30 AM, and I immediately jumped out of bed and got dressed because knowing my luck the plumber would show if I stayed in bed.  I was right.  He showed at 8:47 AM.  It was the same kid guy who had pulled out the tampon the month before during my clogged toilet/shower day.  This time I got his name.  He had an apprentice with him today, but he was still cracking bad jokes.

Plumber Ryan:  Hey, remember me?
Me:  Yes, you were just here a month ago.
Plumber Ryan:  (turning to apprentice)  She's a huge Patriots fan, man.

The two plumbers looked into my sink which was free of water.  Plumber Ryan turned on the faucets and waited until it clogged, and then he sent Apprentice Manny up on the roof with the snake.  He and I stayed and swatted mosquitoes while we waited for the water to drain.

Plumber Ryan:  Something is clogging it.
Me:  I'm 99.9% sure it isn't a tampon.

After 70 feet of snake and another $147.50 the water suddenly drained.  I had Plumber Ryan check my toilets just to be sure.  He flushed both of them, pointed to my flushable wipes, and asked me if we still used those.  I assured him I had switched toilet tissue brands to the one he told me, we did not use flushable wipes any more, and we did not flush tampons.  He declared me good in plumbing on this side of the house, and I thanked the two men and signed the bill.  Ryan took my $10 off coupon, wrote down  my check number, and then handed back the coupon.

Ryan:  You might as well keep this.
Me:  Thanks.  See you next month.