The big one

I turned fifty on Monday. Or was it Tuesday? When you get this old body parts sag and ache and your mind and memory falter. It was on Monday. I know because I looked it up. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, mainly because I've worried and cried about it since I turned 49. It loomed over me. This one year difference somehow made a... difference.

I don't feel fifty years old. Fifty is, was my parents and my neighbors. Fifty is, was, old people with grown kids. Fifty is, was, women who wandered their empty nests wondering what to do with themselves or who participated in golf games for exercise and social activity. It certainly was not an age I would become for like ages. My god, it was SO far away and I had so much to do before I ever got to that point.

Yet, here I am. Fifty years old.

The big five zero. 5 0.

I see pictures of classmates on Facebook and think, "Holy, crap, look how old he/she is! Oh, my." But I don't see that when I look into the mirror. Except that I do see it and then I deny that I see it or I simply avoid mirrors and shiny, large objects that might inadvertently show my image.

In my head I am a young girl. I'm hip with today's social media. I listen to my kid's music. I've got the lingo down and my children's friends think I'm "funny". Pfft. My parents certainly didn't have any of that because they were like...old. Fifty.

But that isn't me, no siree. Only it is me because I'm now fifty.

From the moment I turned 49 I was almost 50, and it went beyond my obsession with odd numbers in terms of age. Almost fifty meant I had, what, twenty? thirty? years left? How is that possible? Where did the time go? I have so much more I want to do and places I want to see and holy, mother of god, that isn't possible anymore because I'm almost fifty!

Everyone knows life starts declining at that age. Suddenly I have back trouble, and a large weight gain, and hot flashes, and no period, which is actually cool, but even the coolness means I'm OLD. A period as a young girl meant you were a woman and no period means I'm what? Shriveling up? Slowly dying from the inside out? The only thing I have left is my eye sight and even it went in my forties. The only reason I still have it now is I paid big bucks for it.

I don't feel I have the wisdom that should come with turning almost fifty. Hell, my daughters are learning what I learned in college during their freshman years in high school. Mostly what I feel is fear. I have no father, no mother, and no will because it signals my impending doom. My eldest is a senior and will be leaving for her own adulthood adventure in a few months and her sister isn't far behind. My SIL was diagnosed with cancer, my neighbors are leaving, and I have no interest in golf.

And fifty is behind it all.

Yet when the big day did arrive, I was...calm.

After spending a week with my brother and his family, watching what they go through--living with cancer, cold, dark weather, and the worry of employment--I realized I could tuck inside myself and give up or be thankful for everything I do have.

Suddenly that morning I didn't feel depressed or pained or worrisome. I got out of bed and embraced the day. I told myself to believe the guy that said these would be the best years yet.

For the most part I patted myself on the back and counted my blessings. I have a home, a great family, and my health. I have love, wonderful friends, and the gulf waters not far from me. The back trouble thus far is manageable, the weight I'll work on, the hot flashes have slowed, and my period reappeared a week before my birthday. Surely that means something youthful!

Bring it on fifty!