Sundays at our house

I mentioned a week ago to my husband that the toilet in the hall bathroom, the one that I changed to pink, was running about every fifteen minutes. He immediately started grumbling about how the flapper was stuck and didn't we know that we had to take off the tank and push it down. I countered back, not defensively, but wearily that I wasn't talking about after a flush, but just randomly. He asked me if I was sure. I responded with yes, I'm here by myself every day in a silent house (except when your damn dog is barking at imaginary people outside) and it is quite easy to hear the running of toilet water every ten or fifteen minutes. He went into the bathroom and investigated and then left for Home Depot.

Him: "I have to replace the inside of the toilet tank."

I did not say anything. It was time for football. I don't have time to argue unless it involves the NFL. I plopped on the couch and watched the NFL Redzone (how awesome is this channel?) in between the game that was televised in my area. I vaguely remember him returning and going into the bathroom. During a commercial break my attention wandered into the bathroom which was in clear sight of where I was sitting. He had removed the entire tank which he had balanced on the side of the tub where he was sitting. I had just enough time to run the thought if-that-were-me-perching-that-on-its-side-on-the-tub-he-would-be-standing-outside-the-door-telling-me-over-and-over-again-how-that-was-not-a-good-idea through my head before the games were back on and my attention once again diverted.

Until I heard the crash. And the cursing. I got up and went into the bathroom where I offered my assistance.

Me: "I knew that was going to happen as soon as I saw you had that balanced on the tub. What were you thinking?"

I'm nothing but supportive so I patted him on the back. Then I noticed that he had not removed anything in the bathroom like my new rug so I went off on a little tangent about how one should remove things to clear a work space before working because in marriage if you can't use sayings back to the sayee it isn't any fun. It took him awhile to get over the shock of his mistake (he is very much his dad in the perfection department), but once he did he found his voice. He began ranting and raving about having to buy a new toilet and how all of this stuff, he swept his arm around the bathroom and flipped my new shower curtain, was in his way and could I just help out and get this all out of his way by the time he returned. I did it before he even left and then I went back to watching football.

He returned with a new toilet forty five minutes later. The dog let me know he had arrived so I paused my games and offered my assistance as he removed the box from the car on to the dolly. I held the door for him and Darcy held the dog. He wheeled in the giant box and sat it down in my living room and wondered aloud where he should put it together.

I suggested he remove the old toilet first and go from there because telling him that there would be nothing to put together seemed snarky. He agreed that was a capitol idea and he disappeared into the bathroom. Once again I was lost in football until the next commercial when I ventured into the bathroom to find this:

I handed him some Comet and a scrub brush and returned to football. I vaguely remember him opening the box and removing the toilet and some such activity, but we were winding down on the games and several of them were coming down to the wire with kickers missing and interceptions and overtimes. I had three games on the screen at one time with three announcers shrieking their calls and the NFL Redzone guy giving his input as these three games came down to seconds.

My eyes were jumping back and forth between the games and my ears were trying to listen to all four game callers and it was an exciting time when Tom called, "Can you come here for a minute?" I thought he was joking because I talk out loud during football and I was making remarks about this exciting time and so when I heard that question among all the other talking I was sure it was a joke. But then he said it again.

Me: "You have got to be kidding."

And then I remembered that I could pause my television, glory to the inventor of that little gem, and I went into the bathroom where he was sitting on the side of the tub in utter defeat. The new toilet was sitting over the hole and it looked sparkly and so clean and I thought what the hell is the problem that I had to stop my games?

Him: "I got the wrong toilet."

He had gotten an elongated toilet instead of a round toilet. Who even knew there were choices? I asked what was the big deal and he makes his hands into measurements to show me that the elongated toilet sits out an inch or more than the old toilet. I looked at him like he was crazy and asked him what that mattered. He said it would make the space between the toilet and the wall smaller. Immediately all of this went through my head:

Seriously? For what? Who stands in the space between the toilet and the wall for anything other than drying off after a shower? You really are going to put this heavy toilet back in the box, tape it up, wheel it on the dolly back to the car, drive to Home Depot and return it, and then reverse the process all over again with a circular toilet seat because of a few inches? Do you have any idea what is happening right now in the NFL? I've got three games coming down the wire, mere seconds, mere seconds, in deciding winners and losers. Finish this job with this toilet and stop being ridiculous.

But I'm supportive and so I didn't say much of that out loud. I told him the toilet was fine. I told him that I gave him one job to do in getting me a toilet without the funky curves on the side that were hard to clean and I noticed that he didn't follow that, but the space thing was not an issue for me. He remarked that they didn't have any non curved toilets and asked if I was sure about the shape.

Me: "Don't be ridiculous. I don't have time for this nonsense."

And I went back to my game and he went back to finishing the job. When he was done I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom and put everything back in place. He was grateful for that. I was grateful for my new toilet which is quite taller than my old one and I barely have to squat to use it.

I love it. It flushes quickly and almost silently, and according to the box can flush an entire bucket of golf balls in ONE FLUSH. I haven't checked that fact although I am curious as to who investigated that fact to get it on to the side of the box (with pictures no less). Now I want one in my own bathroom, but Tom wants to wait a couple of weeks. I agreed that I could wait, but I told him I would prefer the round one in that bathroom.