Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth,

 I am going to be turning 40 soon, and I know my  husband wants to throw me a big birthday bash. It is something of a tradition  in his family. He comes from a family of ten children and each time someone turns the decade mark  his family throws a huge party complete with caterer, band, and entertainment activities. His family flies in from all over the US and it becomes a weekend activity.   I do not want this. I am not a person that enjoys a  huge celebration.  I would like to celebrate my birthday with my immediate family at a nice restaurant with a nice birthday cake. I have told  this to my husband, but I  know he is planning on his regular family bash.   What do I do? How can I get him to understand my feelings?

Almost 40

Dear Almost 40:

I know you are feeling uneasy about turning 40. I am almost 40 myself and none of my friends can believe it. Being 40 is not the end of the world, so I hear, but your wishes regarding this birthday should be heeded. You have told your husband that you do not want a big bash but he is ignoring you on this matter?  What a beast!

As I see it you can either reiterate your strong feelings on this matter hoping he yields, or you can grin and bear this party he is planning. On the other hand, you can have a conversation with him about how you have been living a lie all these years and must now tell him the truth. You will explain to him that you have been lying about your age during your whole marriage. You can say that you are actually only 36 years old (best not to go too young or he won't believe you). Tell him that your mother lied about your age to get you into school earlier because of your superior intelligence and that you just stuck to the fake age all this time. 

Or, heaven forbid, tell him that you are actually older than he thinks you are. Tell him you are already 40 years old. Reverse the school story and tell him you were held back a year due to your "slowness".  Apologize profusely for misleading him. It's only a year off, you'll say. That way you have 10 more years to plan your escape from the big Five-Oh birthday party. Good Luck!

*****

Dear Ruth,

 Due to your vast knowledge, I thought I would ask you a philosophical question: Which came first, Dear Ruth, the Spicey Chicken Filet or the Egg  McMuffin?  

-McWaiting in McHenry

Dear McWaiting in McHenry:
I am not much of a philosopher I am afraid.  If pressed, I would have to say the Spicy Chicken Filet, only because it is a solid belief among theologians that God created cayenne pepper before Canadian bacon.

*****

Dear Ruth,

My husband, "Jeff" is a detective in the narcotics division of our local law enforcement agency. He must go undercover in some of the seediest parts of town to infiltrate drug groups. To do this he has grown a beard. When he  is out with his us, his family, he dresses nicely and looks nothing like his "undercover" person. Yet he still gets looks from people, and the other day an elderly woman approached him, patted his beard and asked, "What are you  trying to hide?"  How should my husband respond to people like this woman? He can't reveal what he does for a living, but he shouldn't have to  put up with that sort of  nonsense either.  

Undercover Wife

Dear Undercover Wife:

It seems it's always the elderly who think they can just say anything they want and act anyway they want in any situation. It is unfortunate. I guess it's a by-product of being old. They see The Grim Reaper loitering on their doorstep and think to themselves "Oh well, I might as well tell everyone I know exactly what I am thinking at every moment. Even strangers.  I might not get another chance." 

For this we, the younger generation, must forgive them. Someday, we will be that old, God willing, and may want to "let it all hang out" too.  In situations where your husband is being interrogated about his beard by a senior citizen, you have two choices. 

One, he can smile devilishly and say something like "I am working undercover for the CIA right now. Don't give me away." Then wink.  Or, two, when asked what you are hiding, he can reply, "Horrible scars!" and then burst into tears and run away.

*****

Dear Ruth,

What famous people do you know? Do you have a  little black book? Would you  be willing to sell it?

Just Wondering....

Dear Just Wondering:

In my many travels and incarnations, I have managed to meet a few celebrities. I am not a name dropper mind you. But....I did once meet Joe DiMaggio (pre-Marilyn). And I am very good friends with  Debbie Reynolds, Dame Edna (who stole my idea and turned it into a multi-million dollar-making career) and Barbara Mandrell. I briefly knew Warren Beatty at one point in the late 60's. I have had David Groh, Tippi Hedren and Peter Jennings to dinner. And of course, as everyone knows, I almost married Ed Begley Jr. after a crazy weekend in the Canary Islands.  I do not have a black book. It's white. And no, it's not for sale until after my death.

*****

Dear Ruth,

 I was having a conversation yesterday with my dear sister about shower curtains, of all things. She insisted that the reason I keep the pretty purple flower shower curtain in the guest bathroom and the older, no-so-pretty, yellow polka-dotted curtain in my own personal bathroom stems from the fact that, subconsciously, I deny myself  the better things in life and put other people's needs ahead of my own. I was  not aware that I had developed such an unattractive character flaw. Now, as part of my personal  improvement program, I would like to become more  "me" centered. Any advice or  tips?


Too Selfless For My Own Good

Dear TSFMOG:

Let's not go overboard. Just because you want your guests to enjoy the prettier shower curtain does not mean that you are too selfless for your own good. I mean, this is just a shower curtain we're talking about. It's not like you donated a lung to a homeless child.  

Putting other people's needs ahead of your own is neither unattractive nor a flaw. I am always thinking of others before myself, and I am quite attractive.  The trick is not to be selfless 24 hours a day. You do need to take some "me" time.  Following are some ways you can build yourself up and renew your batteries so to speak:

1. Once a week stand in front of the mirror completely naked and repeat over and over to yourself "I am pretty. I am sexy. I am young". 
2. Have a weekend fling with someone you don't know all that well. Nothing does so much for body and soul. 
3. Don't skimp on store-bought pastries. Go to a real bakery and stuff eclairs down your throat until you feel ill. 
4. Spend lots of time with pets. Animals can have a very soothing effect on our nerves. 
5. Do something you have never done before, like go to a monster truck rally, dye your hair blonde or visit the Hawaiian Islands. 
6. Every night before you go to bed, burn a five dollar bill just for the hell of it.  
7. When it's cold outside, don't be afraid to crank up the heat. Both you and your guests deserve no less. 
8. One last piece of advice: Tell your sister to mind her own damn business and start psychoanalyzing herself instead of you. I am sure she could use it.

"If you aren't reading Ruth Wellington, you are missing out! The best advice on the planet!"

-- Bob Peters, Tampa Daily

"I laugh so hard I choke on my cereal! No one tells it like she sees it then Ruth Wellington."

--- Lillian Druthers, Author, Los Angeles