HandyWomen for Hire

A week ago I wrote about learning how to fix and build items from my father and this week I put that knowledge to use. My friend SueG bought a TV stand that required building, and of course she called me in to, as my brother says, "get 'er done".

Me: "I wonder if SueG will have the tools we need or whether I should bring my..."

Tom: "handyman?"

Me: "own tools."

Tom: "What you need is a handyman."

Me: "I'm ignoring that statement because I know you think you're funny."

Tom: "I think I know what you're going to need and that is a handyman."

The first thing I corrected her on when I caught her upending the box to shake out the contents on to the floor was actually something I learned from my "handyman" husband; open the box and use it to build on to protect the flooring.

SueG: "Okay, okay. Whatever."

I took the 100 page book instruction booklet, got a pen, and suggested we run through the list of contents to make sure we had every item. We got through items "A", "B", and "C".

SueG: "That's good enough. Everything is here. Let's just get going."

Me: "I've made that mistake before and then gotten to the end only to discover a missing piece."

SueG: "That's not going to happen here. They wouldn't sell something that doesn't have everything here. Let's get going."

The hardware came in a large plastic bag with individual sealed compartments with slightly askew labels. There was a lot of hardware. SueG, who had assured me she had tools after we purchased the stand, wandered off to get the two tools it said we needed; a hammer and a phillips screwdriver.

SueG: "Which one is that? The one with four or the one with two?"

Me: "Seriously? What the hell?"

SueG: "Well, I don't know. Is that the one with all the little grooves?"

Me: "Sigh. Yes, we will go with that. That's a phillips head screwdriver."

I read aloud each step in the directions. We each worked. I was on my hands and knees while SueG insisted it was easier for her to stand and lean over to screw. I let that one go, but by the end with sweat dripping off our noses and brows, we wondered aloud if either of us would be able to move the next day.

We did a lot of turning. More than once SueG mentioned how her fifteen year old son would be home soon from high school and he would help us. I kept reminding her of Tom's "handyman" remark and how I had something to prove.

Son: "I have homework."

SueG: "Oh, please. It's Friday. You can do that any other time this weekend."

He helped by getting us his tool box and supplying us with two better screwdrivers than the one we had been using which may or may not have been ruined with all of our muscle. He jumped up from his homework a couple of times when we requested lifting and once to climb inside the cabinet to get to two screws hidden inside.

Around Step #7 I was thinking it was time for a water break and rest and apparently Sauder agreed because this was in the instructions:

As we completed each task within the steps, I check marked them. When the step was completed I made a giant check mark and moved on to the next step. As we neared the end, the instructions called for us to insert the plastic foot (marked 2OE in the plastic) into the middle hole of the bottom piece.

Me: "Uh, there isn't a middle hole here."

Sue: "God Damn It! What is that thing anyhow?"

Me: "I think it's a stabilizer, like a foot. The problem is there are suppose to be three holes and we only have two. I'm thinking the bottom piece was suppose to be flipped."

SueG: "It's defective. Who cares. Move on."

The next task within that step also called for us to put felt discs on the bottom of the legs to protect the flooring. SueG vetoed that too because one, the stand was sitting on carpeting and two, she didn't feel the discs would stay on long. I refused to make check marks on the tasks..

We moved on to the drawer construction. That moved quickly with me reading, her constructing, her screwing, and me putting on the handles. We finished, flipped the stand on to its legs and inserted the drawers ready to throw our arms into the air and declare it a success.

SueG: "God Damn It! That bottom piece is on wrong. See! See how we can see the unfinished side when the drawers are in? God Damn It!"

Me: "Calm down. We're just going to have to take off the bottom and flip it. It doesn't involve that much unscrewing."

Son: "Why does it look like that?"

SueG/Me: "Shut up."

We unscrewed, un-nailed, and flipped the board. Low and behold...a third hole.

We threw our arms into the air and deemed it a success. Once we got the television moved from the old stand to the new stand we high-fived and made a lot of reference to several comments on how we didn't need a &(^% handyman. The whole construction project took three hours.

We're making business cards that say, "HandyWomen for Hire".