Where is the Fuller Brush Man when you need him?

In 2004, my mother purchased an Oreck vacuum cleaner from a door-to-door salesman. Or at least that's how I remember the story, which included the sales guy telling her that people loved Oreck vacuums so much and they lasted so long that they put them in their wills to leave to their children. It became a running joke.

I ended up with the vacuum.

Despite a recent "tune-up" at the Oreck repair shop, it is malfunctioning. The machine weighs 9 lbs. It does not hurt my back. I want the damn thing fixed, or I want another Oreck.

Tech Guy (my new name for the hubby) did what he always does when I request what he considers a big-ticket item. He researched vacuum cleaners and bought the one he wanted. It was a Shark Vertex Pro, which he told me was over $300. It was actually over $400, and I know this only because Alexa informed me of that price when Amazon refunded our money after the return. I mean...$469 for a vacuum cleaner? 

I have a whole list of items I'd rather have for that price.

The vacuum arrived in three boxes, and I insisted that we read the instructions before Oleg put it together.  There were 42 instructions we were to read before even using the vacuum, most beginning with DO NOT in bold, capital lettering, with helpful advice like:

DO NOT handle plug or vacuum with wet hands.

DO NOT leave the vacuum unattended while powered on.

DO NOT place vacuum on unstable surfaces such as chairs or tables.

DO NOT allow to be used as a toy.

I stalled at number 8: This appliance can be used by persons with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities or lack of experience and knowledge if they have been given supervision or instruction concerning use of the appliance in a safe way and understand the hazards involved. 

I had to reread that sentence multiple times.

Darcy: "I can't use it because I haven't been supervised properly."

Madison: "Who is supposed to offer this?"

Me: "I think we're being educated by reading these 42 instructions."

Darcy: "I just don't understand."

As I stated earlier, we did not keep the vacuum. Who invented these stick vacuums with the debris collection canister placed by the handle? It immediately hurt my back, but in fairness, I made everyone take a spin with it. 

Darcy: "It wrenched my shoulder out of the socket."

Oleg: "Well, you'll have one toned bicep after vacuuming."

Madison: "I don't think I'd like this appliance even if I had the proper instruction. It's a miserable vacuum."

I now see why people leave their Oreck vacuums to their loved ones. Hopefully, I'll be able to fix or replace mine so I can get it into the will.