The Loss of Innocence

Today I discussed the facts of life with my oldest daughter. She had just had her yearly physical and I thought that was as good an opening as any.

The public schools give the sex talk in 5th grade so her friends outside of her school learned it this year, and because this was the year she would get the talk at her own school, I figured I should give it now. Wouldn't she rather hear things from me first?

I didn't it right. I sucked. First, I did it while I was driving home from her physical. What possessed me to do it this way? When my mother gave me the talk she used some book she'd gotten. It was way over my head but she read it to me and then discussed the things she'd read. I had once used that same book when Madison asked me questions about babies. The book is totally too advance, but it would've been better than a discussion in the car. I kept looking at her in the review mirror and she just seemed so small, drawing her legs up as she does for protection.

She knew quite a bit, but most of it was clinical. We discussed sex, transmitting diseases, and drugs. Everything I could remember that was discussed in my sex education class. Although what I remember about that was mostly the kid vomiting after doing drugs or alcohol. It looked like spoiled milk coming out of her body and the boys imitated it on the walk home from the bus stop. Over and over.

Secondly, I went far overboard. I tried to get through to her that her body was hers and that no one had the right to do anything with her body unless she agreed to it. I got a little forceful on that topic. Why did I do it that way? It was very pro-female. She cried. She said she felt weird.

I stopped in the parking lot of Target and climbed in the backseat with her. I hugged her and tried to tone down the discussion and my forcefulness. I hated myself for doing it all wrong. She cried some more and when I asked her why she was crying she said, "Because you look so sad. You look like you're going to start crying."

Yep. Sorry, kid. I probably am and will. I screwed that up for sure, but mostly I'm sad because you're growing up and I have to have this talk in the first place. No one prepared me for my firstborn to become a woman.

I'll try to do it better with your sister.