While we are away, the neighbors play...

Before I left for vacation I talked to my neighbors and made some arrangements for the caring of my house and dog.  My good friend, SueG, took Elliot for the first week until Tom returned and then my next door neighbor Chuck took over the scheduling of potty breaks until Tom got home in the evenings.  The day before I left I emailed the four neighbors that live next to me and across from me reminding them of our departure.

From Cara:  Hello Neighbors! I just wanted to let you know that we will be leaving for our Indiana vacation on Thursday, July 18th (driving).  Tom will be home on Saturday, July 27th.  The girls and I will be gone until the second week of August, ETA to be determined.  I was hoping that my sweet and dear neighbors would just keep an eye on our property while we are gone. Sid, if you feel like doing yard work or housekeeping, we would not be unappreciative. Chuck will be in charge of our mail.  The paper has been stopped.  My friend Susan is keeping Elliot.  Kelly will be wandering in and out watering plants and taking care of anything else.  Susan, Kelly and Chuck will be using the pool from time to time so don't come running with guns drawn if you see a white Buick or a Honda van or Chuck in a bathing suit.

I chuckled at my cleverness and left.  Little did I know that I was setting off a bomb from my witty neighbors and friends who obviously did not miss me and who were so very kind to keep me informed of all the shenanigans that took place in my absence.  It started like this:

From Kelly:  To clarify, Kelly will be wandering in and out watching the Boos' much more excellent cable and rifling through closets in search of hidden money.  Of course, if she sees a dry-looking plant she will probably water it too.  She is most grateful that there won't be any fish to feed and fret over whether there were 4 or 5 when the Boos' left because there is now only 4 and did one die or not?

From Chuck:  Hi everybody, let me introduce myself.  I am CHUCK, "IN CHARGE OF MAIL".  Mail is federal so we all know who is really in charge, but that doesn't change the fact the Blurbs will be out of town for a whole week!  If you want private time at the pool, please call to schedule.


And escalated from here.  Some of the content has been changed or omitted due to...well...too much fun.


From Sid:  Hey, Chuck.  Are the evening hours available this week or is it only morning hours, and must suits be worn?

From Chuck:  Good Morning Sid.  I must insist that all males wear bathing suits and all males over 55 must wear bib overalls.  As far as the pool goes, senior citizens can take advantage of the water aerobics classes I have scheduled on Tuesday and Thursday mornings.  As a courtesy to the people I have rented the house out to, please do not play with the animals.  This is not a petting zoo.  Here are also some emergency numbers that Cara did not list:  Pizza Hut (number), Bob's Liquor Home Delivery (number), Shamalama DJ (number)

From Sid:   I have noticed that two of the goats have escaped and are eating the flowers in Howard's lawn.  Who's idea was it to take up the new sod on the front lawn and dig the fire pit?  Will we be invited to the pig roast?

From Cara:  Dear Neighbors, I am so glad that everyone is having fun while we are vacationing.  I though I was specific on everyone's duties and chores, but I see you have rearranged that.  Some of these changes have elicited positive responses such as the senior water aerobics classes, but the phone call I received from the HOA regarding the missing sod was most unpleasant.  The sheriff's office has also called Tom regarding the eviction of the renters and their wild parties, but the news of Sid's arrest for his partying with the goats was most distressing as was the call from PETA.  I hope Sid won't be locked up too long, but I'm glad he is finally getting the help he needs.

Now that the renters are gone I've put Kelly back in charge of the house and have told her to use the money from the rent and aerobics classes you have collected to hire maids and pool cleaners.  The aerobics classes will have to be moved to Sid's pool during this clean up time, and I trust Chuck to handle this.  Thanks again for keeping an eye on the place.  

From Sid:   The arrest was a disaster considering the lack of evidence, and I'm thankful to be out.  The pool is now clear, but the sod is still missing and the hole appears bigger.   I also think the sheriff's office will be pleased with the sniper hiding in your oak tree as we have put him in charge of governing the house parties.  I do think, however, that the water buffalo in the pool was a bad idea as he takes up a lot of space.  Really, have a nice vacation.  We are only too happy to keep an eye on things.

From Chuck:  I suppose I should inform you that the renters really left due to the damage caused by the fire department.  Apparently, the renters used too much mulch from your back yard to smoke the meat in the attic and the house caught on fire.  The fire department cut a hole in the roof, and in my opinion used way too much water for such a small fire.  Lucky for you, Howard found the pass codes to your retirement accounts taped under the third drawer of your dresser and we used that money to bail Sid out of jail.  It was Sid's idea to take some of that money and go to the Hard Rock to win the money to repair the roof.  We scheduled a roof company, and headed to the casino.  Howard was doing great at the craps table, but then he started drinking.  He got crazy buying everyone cognac and cigars.  Lucky for you, I don't like cigars or cognac and was able to get the two of them out of there.  Unfortunately, Howard was driving and he pulled over at a gentleman's club and the two of them continued the partying.  They did not act like gentleman, I have to tell you.  

After a few hours of that I had just about enough and decided to sit in your van in the parking lot and wait for them to get thrown out.  However, when I got outside it was to discover someone had left a burning cigar, guess who?, in your van.  The insurance company says they will not pay for a replacement vehicle because it was arson.  Some stupid law about your responsibility to keep car keys protected and away from drunk drivers.  Who knew?  Also, the roofing guys never showed up.  Lady Luck.  Never knew she was so fickle.  Anyway, how's the vacation going?  Remember I wear an extra large tee shirt.

From Howard:  I hope Cara doesn't concern herself too much by this news.  I hope you didn't tell her about the police coming here the other night.  Or the scantly clad women in the pool.  And where is that sod?

From Cara:  Dear Neighbors, yes we are having a great time thanks for asking.  We are headed now on the third leg of our journey through Indiana farm country.  And no, Sid we will not bring you back any animals.  We hope you have learned your lessons on that one.  

I am writing to remind you that Tom will be returning tomorrow night.  Sid, the cleaning supplies are under the sink and the vacuum is in the hall closet.  I know you know how to use all of it as you always did such a great job with Chuck's place.  It sounds like it might be an all day job so wake up early and get plenty of sleep.  

Chuck, the pool supplies are outside by the pool along with the hose for refilling the pool and my waterbed.  Just leave cash for the upcoming water bill on the kitchen table.  Howard, I'm putting you in charge of overseeing these idiots, oops typo there, these men.  I trust you will stay away from the liquor cabinet while you are whipping them and my house into shape.  

Tom is looking forward to seeing everyone again to show you all the three hour slide presentation of our trip.  Lots of photos of farmland, family, four wheeling, and camel racing at the county fair.  Save Sunday for that activity and bring snacks.  Three hours is just an estimate.  Again, thanks for everything.  We knew we could trust you with our property!

From Sid:  Hey guys, can you believe all the trash piled out front of the Boos' house this morning?  What a party!  I'm just glad it ended earlier enough for us to refill the pool since we had so many people cannon balling last night.  What are we going to do about all the water that spilled over the edge and leaked into the back of the house?  The fans aren't cutting the smell and the black flag we sprayed for all those roaches isn't getting the job done.

From Sid:  Does anyone know why Tom is tied to the oak tree in the front yard with Elliot tied to his left foot?  It doesn't have anything to do with those three ladies I saw him with last night, does it?  I tried to get to the bottom of it all, but that sniper in the oak tree wouldn't let me anywhere near the tree.  I thought we fired him?  Also, are you all going to be at the party tonight that the new tenants are having?  I heard it was a special roast.  

From Howard:  Hey Sid, I found out the roast tonight is Elliot.  I'm keeping Nicky inside just in case the renters have an eye on him.  Cara and the girls better hurry home soon while there is still something left of their beautiful home.

From Cara:  Sid, could you just go over and put some sunscreen on Tom so that he doesn't get burned tied to that tree?  And Howard, for heaven's sake cut Elliot loose and hide him with Nicky!  Thanks!

From Sid:  Was there something in the mulch you put down in the backyard that would draw animals?  I noticed three monkeys scampering around your tree out front and they seem to like your pool.  Do monkeys even swim?  Now that Tom has been released from the tree I hope he cleans up all the stuff they left in the pool, lawn, and driveway before you get home.  The tenants threw a great party last night before leaving today and we all roasted marshmallows in the pit in the front yard while we made excuses about Elliot's escape.  I hope Tom can fix the pool pump before you get home though since those tenants left with the original one as well as skipping out on the rent.

From Cara:  Dear Neighbors, I know you have been waiting with bated breath for my return to the hood, and I wanted you to know the wait is almost over!  The girls and I hope to return tomorrow before the sun goes down.  While a party is probably the first thing you will want to plan I want to urge you not to do anything fancy.  We have been partying ourselves the last few days and "caked" out so please don't bake us a welcome home cake.  No banners or trumpet fanfare is necessary.  We will just slip silently in and see everyone the next day where we will regale you all with stories of our adventures.  Looking forward to seeing my husband, dog, and my favorite neighbors!

From Sid:  A cake had been planned, but we will whip up a batch of monkey stew instead.  Either way drive safe!

Just a few years ago Tom was talking about moving to a bigger house, but I said I couldn't leave our neighbors.  This is just a huge example why.  Tom is thrilled he listened to me.