Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Listen, I know what I'm talking about

For the past few months I have watched people spin; lives are changing, chapters are ending, stories are beginning. There has been struggles and chaos. There has been calm and quiet. I am among it whether I want to be or not. I suppose I can choose the latter, but these people are my friends. I like to show up for my friends whether I agree with their decisions or not. The hardest thing for me is not offering up what they should or shouldn't be doing. Keeping quiet is not my forte.

I grew up with a mother who knew everything, and I believed that statement until I had my second child. At that time we had a difference of opinion regarding my daughter and her lack of mobility before she was one years old. My mother, secure in her medical knowledge and my use to my willingness to obey her commands, did not take my "rebellion" well. It was the start of my independence and the first crack in our relationship.

I spent most of my adult life trying not to be my mother, but I realize that all of my hard work is crumbling as my kids venture out into the world. It isn't that I'm micromanaging their lives, but rather searching for my own identity and future. I have more time on my hands and many of my friends have issues, and so I plunge into helping them as if I have all of the answers. If only they would listen to me, follow my instructions, and let my Disney wand restore their world. I've had to work on stepping back, taking giant steps back, and concentrate on listening instead of telling. It is very hard because, of course, I know what is best for them.

In working towards my new goal I have had to avoid Facebook. I check in every week or so, but that's it. Everyone on there has an opinion and an agenda, and everyone on there knows how best to run this country and my life. I find it utterly exhausting, pointless, degrading, and annoying. What was once a fun way to keep tabs on people's lives has now become a way for everyone to tell everyone what they should be doing. That was never more evident then yesterday.

Last night during our Memorial celebration with friends the incident that occurred at the Cincinnati zoo came up. I had not heard about it and so my friends caught me up; four year old kid fell into the gorilla exhibit, and in protecting the child, the zoo workers shot and killed a 17 year old gorilla named Harambre. Later I went online to see the video for myself, and found social media alive with opinions. Everyone was weighing in on the incident, and everyone knew what was best. Suddenly my nice evening with friends that had me feeling relaxed and happy was wiped out with the nastiness that my "friends" on Facebook were spewing in regards to an incident that didn't even involve them. Turns out I'm not the only one who believes I know it all.

What I see is that there is too much anger. Anger in dealing with issues. Anger when our opinions are not those of others. Anger when our advice is ignored.  My various friends going through their issues are so angry, and the venom that they spray at one another is shocking. At some point that anger becomes counterproductive and all it really does is hurt. It hurts the people it is directed at and it hurts those who faces are red with the effort. Watching this from my background seat, I'm working on dealing with my own anger. I've seen the hurt that all of this is causing. I've lived with a mother whose anger got the best of her and ruined the latter part of her life. I don't want anger to take over my life or the lives of those who surround me.

I'm not saying people shouldn't give opinions or advice. I wouldn't be able to blog if that were the case. What I want to see instead is more inhaling, more stopping to think before opening the mouth, and less anger. I have opinions, but I certainly don't have to work so hard to move people to my side. I have advice, but it doesn't have to always be offered up. As much as it might pain me to say this, I don't have all of the answers. I'm not always right. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. And I'm learning that sometimes the best way to offer anything is to just listen.

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