Time to step forward for change

Since going over yesterday's post, I've felt so odd. I mean, I've spent the past week enjoying my time with my girls, but regretting and worrying over so many things. Things that I apparently regretted and worried about TWELVE YEARS AGO. So much for changing the outlook. But, I'm determined to do so starting now. Today. This minute. I'm getting on the stick. Let's take a look at the things I still feel and can work to change.

Then: I regret not getting weight off when I was younger and it was easier.
Now: Uh, yeah. I think this every time I Facetime someone and see myself in the corner of my phone. Okay, I'm going to the gym and eating fruits and veggies, but this will always be my cross to bear. I blame my genes.

Then: I regret all the sniping and snipping I've done with my mother.
Now: This is a huge one for me now. I believe that most of what I'm experiencing now have to do with my mother and our relationship. I might need a professional for this one, and I haven't ruled that one out, but in the meantime I'm trying to sort through all of the guilt and anger. I am certainly working on this one day at a time.

Then: I regret not writing
Now: I think I'm working very well on this one right now. I'm was discussing going to a conference and attending some workshops with my daughters this past week so now...well, I'm a believer in signs and this one is telling me to get on signing up for the conference!

Then: I regret not making a will
Now: I use to worry about my kids and what would happen to them, and so I ignored it. Now they are legal and I don't have to name guardians. I'm hoping that will push me forward because this is seriously a serious one. If I could do that online, instead of having to search for papers and stuff I could probably knock this one out. Note to self: Check into that.

Then: I wish I could take back all of the stupid things I've said over the years.
Now: Okay, this can't be done, and whatever, I was an idiot. I'm sorry. To all of you. I've said stupid shit to everyone over the years, and I apologize. I truly do. To all of you, family and friends. I regret it daily. Now though, I am trying really hard to think before I speak, to listen before I pipe in with my opinions, and to be kinder to everyone. It is fucking HARD. (And yes, I know my resolution on that word, but it was used correctly here). I work at this every day and beg forgiveness almost every night. But I am determined to learn. Bare with me.

Then: I wish I had a better relationship with my brother.
Now: Sigh. Is this always going to be me asking for this? This one goes with the mother one, but I think he and I are trying. Not very hard, but we make some small steps forward and some small steps backwards. A lot of water under the bridge, but we love each other. We are all we have left so I keep pushing, and at times he does too. I'll work harder at two steps forward and one step back.

Then: I wish I was as carefree as I was when I was playing games in my yard at 8200.
Now: Yeah, well, that was childhood. Childhood is so different from adulthood, and I don't know many adults who feel that carefree. Maybe I need to hang out with other people. Still, I want to feel less stressed and to feel at least that sense of happiness as I had as a child. I think after I get all of the above figured out this one will come....