The birds and the bees thanks to the dog

Children who grow up on farms don't need to have any talk regarding sex because they see it firsthand from beginning to end. Animals are a great way to learn about nature's course, and our dog was how my youngest learned about the birds and the bees.

Our dog is a male. As he matures, he has taken to loving his bed in ways that make my eldest cringe. Lucky for us, his bed is his only girlfriend at the moment, but recently he carried his bed into the middle of the living room where we were watching American Idol, and he went to town.

Me: "Ah, jeez, Elliot, could you go someone private?"

Darcy: "What's he doing?"

Me: "He's humping his bed again."

Darcy: "What does that mean?"

Me: "It means that to answer that question, we will have to have the talk."

Darcy: "What talk?"

Me: "The coming of age talk about babies and things."

Darcy: "But what is he doing to the bed? What does humping mean?"

Me: "It means he is pushing his penis into his bed because it feels good."

Darcy: "I don't want to have that talk."

Me: "Good, let's just watch the show."

That lasted for almost a week. On Monday, Darcy and I were having a conversation in her room when Elliot wandered into the room, his girlfriend bed in his mouth.

Me: "I can't wait until we get him fixed on Friday."

Darcy: "What does that mean?"

Me: "It means he won't be able to have any babies."

Darcy: "Yeah, Elliot is a male and can't have babies anyway, can he?"

Me: "That is true, but by getting fixed, he won't be able to be a father."

Darcy: "Why?"

I began the talk.

By the time I was finished, I had answered fifty million questions, including the following:

Darcy: "You and Daddy don't do that, do you?"

Me: "We had two children, Darcy, of course, we do."

Darcy: "But you only did it two times, right?"

Me: "Well, no."

Darcy: "But you don't do that when Madison and I are at home, do you?"

Me: "Uh..."

Darcy: And how do men and women even do that? I mean, do they stand up?"

Everything is always easier the second time around. I feel like I handled this talk better than the one I had with Madison. I was more prepared this time around, and Elliot gave me not only an opening but also a model.

Darcy was very interested and full of questions. She wasn't thrilled about the act itself and announced she had no plans to participate ever, but she was very curious. I was very open and answered everything honestly. Then we both moved on to other things.

But later that night, when she was lying across my chest, I hugged her and kissed her more than I usually do.

Me: "I don't know why, but ever since we had the talk, I feel like you aren't my little baby anymore."

Darcy: "Please, Mom, you know how my hearing is. I pretty much let that go in one ear and out the other. We're good."