Out of the mouths of my babes

Next on Tech Guy's To-Do List was repairing and sealing the flat roof. He did this himself. Oleg helped on Saturday. They were sweating when they both came down after spending a couple of hours in the hot sun. Tech Guy was wearing a black shirt.

Me: "Why would you wear a black shirt in the sun on the roof?"

Him: "Why wouldn't I?"

Me: "Darcy, look at your dad. He wore a black shirt to repair the roof in this hot weather."

Darcy: "Yeah, well, I can't fix stupid."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Me: "I told Oleg's brother I'd take him to a baseball game. He doesn't understand the excitement. I told him he had to watch it in person. I mean, don't you agree? You like going to the Rays' games."

Darcy: "No. I only went to play spot-the-cotton-candy-man. That's all I cared about. And when I knew we were going, I'd save up my daily 50 cents you gave us for the school snack locker because dad was good for one, maybe two cotton candy purchases, and I'd use that money for another."

Me: "That's terrible."

Darcy: "No, what's terrible is back then, it was $3.00. Now it's over $5."

Out of the mouths of my babes - Madison Part II

Me: "NOOOOOOOO!"

Madison: "What?"

Tom: "What's wrong?"

Me: "The Steelers game was pushed back to Sunday because too many damn Ravens have COVID."

Tom: "So, they're not playing on Thursday? We get a peaceful holiday?"

Madison: "It's a Thanksgiving Miracle!"

Out of the mouths of my babes - Madison

Maddy: "Did the Steelers win? They must have because you're happy."

Me: "Ten and 0, baby! Ten and 0! Gotta enjoy it now because we have a short week and a tough one on Thursday. I'm afraid we might just face our first loss in that game."

Madison: "That sounds defeatist to me. What kind of loyal fan has that kind of attitude?"

Tom: "Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're putting much faith in your team."

Me: "It's the Ravens. We beat them once already this year, and they lost for the second time in a week in overtime today against the Tennessee Titans. I'm not sure who I was supposed to root for, but I hate both of them."

Madison: "I know why we hate the Ravens, but why do we hate the Titans?"

Me: "Because they stomped on our terrible towel! After beating us several years ago, a bunch of their players got terrible towels and threw them on the ground, and stomped on them. Wrong thing to do. They've had bad juju every since."

Maddy: "I thought we had JuJu."

Photo: dailysnark.com

Out of the mouths of my babe

After feeding our faces with takeout boneless wings, we were all relaxing while our food digested. Maddy was loped on the couch playing on her phone. I was farming on an app on the other couch, and Tom was at the dining room table reading Reader’s Digest. It was very quiet when suddenly:

Tom: “Damn, don’t ever get bit by a rattlesnake, man!”

Maddy: “Well, there goes my plans for tomorrow!”

Out of the mouths of my babes

Darcy: "I'm so excited for tomorrow!"

Me: "You always get pumped for your birthday, but you are REALLY crazy this year."

Darcy: "It's a big birthday. The last of the big ones."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Darcy: "It's the last of the exciting birthdays. At 13, you're a teenager. At 16, you get your license. At 18, you get to vote. At 21, you can legally drink. There's nothing to look forward to after 21. After that, it's just getting older."

Out of the mouths of my babes

After the girls left our house for college, I opened any mail addressed to them, and disposed of it properly, either forwarding it to them, dealing with the contents accordingly, or trashing it. They got a lot of junk mail. When Madison returned home, she expressed horror at my opening of Darcy's correspondence, and my excuse did not appease her. Apparently, in her eyes, I was to send any and all mail to Darcy, no matter. 

Today, Darcy received a letter in a non-descript envelope with only an address in the upper left-hand corner. I came into the house, flipping it back and forth as if this would help in the discovery of the contents. It was very official looking, which causes me a bit of anxiety now that both girls are adults. Are they paying their bills on time? Were they caught on camera for something? You know, things like that.

Me: "Darcy, you got mail."

Darcy: "From who?"

Me: "I haven't a clue. It's very official, but there is no return company on the envelope, and since Madison won't let me open your mail, you'll have to deal with it yourself."

She opened the envelope and extracted two sheets of paper, the first, a cover page with nothing but her name, address, and a salutation, and the second, a page and a half of writing. Darcy made a face and chucked the first paper, and then quietly read a bit of the second paper before flipping it over and back like I had done with the envelope.

Me: "What is it?"

Darcy: "Ugh, I don't know."

Me: "What do you mean, you don't know? It's right there in your hand."

Darcy: (whining) I know, but it's too much writing..."

FYI - It was junk mail. 

Starting off April not with showers

Since my posts on the plastic ties, my family (and we now include the boyfriend as part of us) likes to bring them to me hidden in their fists as if offering up a special prize. Haha, very funny.

Then I got an envelope in the mail from my friend Kim, and walking up the driveway I contemplated what in the world she could be sending me because it wasn't a holiday, nor my birthday, and the days of writing one another have longed passed.

I was totally clueless.

Okay, so I laughed. Another loud, belly roar where I clutched my sides and howled while the dog cocked his head to the side and worried for my sanity.

April Fool's!

Good one.

Me: "Look what I got in the mail."

Madison: "Wow! Fan mail from your readers!

Out of the mouths of my babes

SueG: "So, something is wrong with my Samsung tablet. It won't turn on."

Tom: "What do you mean it won't turn on?"

SueG: "I mean, that I can't get the tablet to power on. It's charged, but it won't turn on."

Tom: "It sounds like you need to bring it to Uncle Tom and have it worked on."

Me: "Who's Uncle Tom?"

Tom: "You don't know Uncle Tom?"

Madison: "The only thing I've heard about him is he has a cabin."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Last week while eating lunch, I read Madison's horoscope to her from our local paper.

Me: "Problems will arise if you trust, rely on, or share secrets with someone today. Don't give anyone the chance to use personal information against you. Learn through observation and consider the motives behind someone's niceties. Stick close to home."

Her: "Hmm...okay, then."

Me: "Good thing, you aren't going anywhere today. Let's see what mine says. "Get together with friends or relatives, and you will discover things you didn't know. The information divulged will prompt you to use your skills and talents in new and exciting ways." Well, that sounds interesting!"

Her: "My lips are sealed, so don't ask me anything."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Tom: "We need to stop at a store so I can get some toothpaste."

Madison: "I have toothpaste you can use."

Tom: "I need my own toothpaste. You'll be here, and I'll be at the hotel."

Madison: "I have a second toothpaste from freshman year."

Me: "Don't tell me things like that. You still have toothpaste from your first year here? Have you brushed your teeth?"

Madison: "You packed me a lot of tubes."

Me: "That did not answer my question."

Tom: "We need to stop and get some toothpaste. Just like I said."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Me: "I'm going to ask how much it is to add Darcy to my gym membership for the summer. Would you like to do that too? I told Darcy she needs to work me out. She's like this super gym rat with all sorts of daily workouts."

Madison: "I know."

Me: "I mean, you should see her upper body! She's buff!"

Madison: "I've seen her. Darcy has muscles in places I didn't know there were muscles. And I've taken anatomy!"

When you're just offering helpful parental advice

For Spring Break, one kid is coming home, and one kid is flying south for a ten-day study abroad trip. To prepare, the youngest came home to shop for necessities. That trip earned me over 9,000 steps on my Apple watch and lasted from sun up to sundown. I thought it would never end, but end it did with the two of us collapsed on the couch. Hostage for listening to her father tell her about the research he did on the country she is to visit.

At some point, I turned the conversation to what I felt was more appropriate. One where we, as her parents, tell her everything she needs to do and know regarding travel. Mainly things that would keep her safe because this is my kid who spent the entire day with her wallet hanging out of her back pocket, her attached lanyard dangling to practically mid-thigh. Oh, and her phone too. I felt it prudent we offer parental advice.

Me: "And don't put your wallet in your back pocket where it hangs out for pickpocketers."

Darcy: "That was my lanyard hanging out, not my wallet."

Me: "Stop arguing semantics and pay attention."

Tom: "You don't want to be stranded in a foreign country that's for sure."

Me: "I bought you a thing to put your wallet and your passport in. Use that."

Darcy: "We were given all this information on what to do. I know what I'm supposed to do. Stop worrying."

Tom: "Just play it smart. No back pockets. Take very little with you, and that way you won't lose much if something happens."

Me: "That's your advice?"

Tom: "You tend to go overboard. If she uses her head, she'll be fine."

Me: "Listen, I know about this stuff. I've had two purses stolen. How many wallets have you had stolen?"

Tom: "None."

Me: "Exactly! That's why she should pay attention to me."

Tom: "Sounds like she should pay attention to the one who's never had a wallet stolen if you ask me."

Darcy: "Yeah, Mom, sorry. You walked right into that one. I'm with Dad."

February 2019 project

Each month I'm to tackle a project for my 2019 New Year's Resolutions. I did not, however, say it had to be a different project, so February was still a carryover on January's project, which was to edit and tighten this blog. Whoa. Big job. I have 95 pages of this blog. Each page has 25 entries. I've completed 10 pages in two months, editing 250 blog entries. Not a mean fete considering all the other nonsense I'm doing--like writing that damn book.

With the help of my handy dandy Grammarly account, I've seen the mistakes that made my mother cringe. Those are being corrected. I've added photos to accompany blog entries, and I've laughed and lamented the loss of friends. I've remembered life occurrences I've forgotten. I've decided to repost some good posts, and I can't wait to have it all done so that I can make a book.

Maybe, and I can hear Madison's lecture now, I'll just add each project to the next project. At some point, one of them is bound to be completed, right? In the meantime, enjoy this little gem--my very first Out of the Mouths of My Babes. It's my favorite label in the entire blog and will probably just get its own book when the time comes. My kids say the darndest things...

From the Archives - January 4, 2005

Sarina: "Miss Cara, Darcy just ate something and then wiped her hands on her pants."

Me: "Well, Sarina, I suppose I could make my kids do their own laundry. Make both girls carry their laundry down to the river where they will have to wash their clothes with rocks."

Sarina: "Poor people have to wash their clothes in the river."

Darcy: "Why?"

Sarina: "Poor people don't have any washing machines."

Me: "Well, Kelly doesn't have a washing machine. But then again, she thinks she is poor."

Darcy: "Kelly isn't poor."

Sarina: "How do you know that?"

Darcy: "Because she has a purse."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Me: "Why is there a bottle of dish soap on Maddy's dresser?"

Darcy: "Uh?"

Me: "Is this yours? Where did it come from?"

Darcy: "I may know that..."

Me: "And?"

Darcy: "I found it when I cleaned my room."

Me: "And you just put it on Madison's dresser?"

Darcy: "Maybe. Well, in my defense, I meant to put it in the closet but it only got as far as the dresser and then I forgot."

Me: "The closet? As in the hall closet? Why would you put that in the hall closet? It's dish soap!"

Darcy: "Well, I don't know where it goes."

Me: "Darcy, seriously?"

Darcy: "What? Did I put the stamp on the wrong side?"

Me: "Jeez, at least you realize it when pointed it out. What should go on that side?"

Darcy: "My address?"

Me: "If you knew that, then why did you put the stamp on that side?"

Darcy: "It looked too empty."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Me: "So, the real story is not that Grandma slipped on the water coming in the back door."

Madison: "No? Then what happened?"

Me: "Well, she got up and, for some reason, went out onto the back porch where she stepped into a puddle. Water was coming in the back door due to the rainfall we've had for the past two days."

Madison: "Okay?"

Madison: "She wanted to mop that up, and instead of going to get a towel from her multitude of linen closets, she decided to use the towel under the Christmas tree."

Madison: "Oh, Grandma."

Me: "Yep. She pulled the towel, and the Christmas tree toppled over on top of Grandma, knocking her to the floor."

Madison: "At least it wasn't a reindeer."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Madison: "I've been working on different things to say to the family this Christmas when they start asking me what my plans are for the future now that I'm graduating."

Me: "And what have you come up with?"

Madison: "That I'm thinking of joining the circus."

Me: "That won't work. The circus is obsolete now. Gone. It ended this past year."

Madison: "That I'm working on a time machine that will take me back to the era of circuses so that I can join one."

Me: "Not plausible. You need something people will believe."

Madison: "I'm writing a book."

Me: "About?"

Madison: "A man who invents a time machine to take him back to when circuses were still in existence."

Out of the mouths of my babes

Darcy called Sunday afternoon during football. She needed me to send her various pictures depicting details of her life for an ASL project. She told me what she needed, I held the phone up on my Picasa photo site, and when she agreed, I emailed them.

Darcy: "I need a picture of Maddy after she decided to go to UNC."

Me: "Yeah. What kind of picture would I have taken of that?"

Darcy: "Something on campus that says UNC and has Maddy in it? Maddy in a UNC shirt?"

Me: "I don't have anything like that."

Darcy: "What? You have clearly dropped the ball on mothering. Or at least in the documenting department. I'm disappointed. Mainly because I need that."

Me: "I have pictures of her on campus."

Darcy: "But those are pictures of buildings. How are people supposed to know where that is? Clearly, you have failed. I'll have to call Maddy and have her put on a UNC shirt and reenact her freshman year."

Me: "I'd better keep looking."

Darcy: "Yeah, true. Do I really want more pictures like the pictures she sent you for her first day of school?"

Darcy called her sister anyway, and we had a three-way Facetime chat. Madison agreed to recreate her acceptance or at least her time as a freshman. She searched frantically through her drawers for anything with the words the University of North Carolina on it. It was quite tricky.

Me: "See, this isn't my fault. The kid refused to purchase a shirt that said UNC. We offered. We tried. I have a picture of Jim in the shirt we bought him for watching the dog. Madison is standing next to him. How about that?"

Darcy: "I have faith that Madison will prevail. While she is looking, do you have one of me when I decided to go to USF?"

Me: "Yes. That one I have."

Darcy: "See, Maddy. That's what a freshman looks like. That's what a college student looks like backing her school. That's the picture I'm going to need."

Maddy: "Okay, I've got it. I'm sending it."

Darcy: "Oh, my god! Maddy! Don't take that outfit off because you need to redo those pictures. That is gross. I can see the dirt and hair on your foot."

Maddy: "I just showered."

Darcy: "Well, clearly you didn't clean your room."

Me: "What is that black spot on your foot? That doesn't look good. What is that? Is that a melanoma?"

Darcy: "Mom, calm down. She just brushed it off. It was dirt."

Me: "I'm going to need to see it. Oh, okay. Whew."

Darcy: "Madison! I need you to do better than this. My project is counting on you. See this picture of me? That's what I want. Clearly, I can't fault mom for the documenting because the subject obviously wasn't cooperative."

Me: "Thank you."

Maddy: "I wish I had my pom poms from freshman year."

Darcy: "Ah jeez, Mom, she's now looking like she was a fraternity party girl her freshman year."

Madison: "I'm proud that I dug out athletic shorts with that color. Like yours."

Darcy: "No! No, you didn't. Mine are really USF shorts that I purchased myself. Those shorts are...well, I don't know what those shorts are. Get me those pictures, Madison!"

Me: "Her theatrics should at least earn her some points."

Darcy: "You two definitely need to work on helping me with my projects. You both suck."