Our goal that day was to pick up some items from Walmart. I needed to ready The Condo for a friend of my brother's who is coming down for a golf tournament. SueG needed a plastic container with drawers for the
The store was one that SueG had seen, but had never entered. She is not a religious person at all despite her Jewish upbringing, and she kept referring to it as "The Jesus Store". As we entered the parking lot, a car sitting in a parking spot edged forward as if to exit, and SueG, who is a crazed-road-rage driver, sped up so that the car was forced to stop while she pulled into a parking spot opposite him. As she did this she spewed a few choice words aloud. She parked the car, still mouthing off, and I touched her arm to quiet her.
Me: "That was totally unnecessary, and I think before we go into this store..."
SueG: "The Jesus Store, you mean?"
Me: "...and before we go in here we need to take some deep breaths and rid our bodies of any anger and tension. So close your eyes and take a deep breath in through your nose."
I began inhaling and exhaling, but she refused to follow my example. She made some snorting noises and sniffing noises, but I continued, desperate to get her to relax.
Me: "In through your nose. Come on inhale. And then exhale through your mouth."
SueG: "Let's go into the Jesus Store and get your gift."
Me: "You keep talking about how you should come to church with me, but you're not going to be able to do that because we do that meditation in church, and if you won't do it here then you certainly won't enjoy it there."
SueG: "Remind me to take some Sudafed before we go to church and I'll be fine."
The gentleman in the store was very helpful and we were in and out in a few minutes with no incidents. We went next door to Panera Bread and had brunch, and felt we were way ahead of schedule which left us plenty of time to peruse Walmart. We went there next, a store that isn't our usual haunt, but one where I had gotten my fabulous thread for the scarf I made Kelly.
SueG: "You mean yarn."
Me: "Yarn, thread. It's all sewing to me."
We got our baskets and headed off to find what we needed. Somehow in our roaming we ended up in the bedding aisle, and I spotted a quilt that was of interest to me and headed down the aisle. I got to the end of the aisle which was split in a T shape so that I could go left or right. To my left was a woman in an electric cart, and to my right was a Walmart employee assisting her. Both ladies were laughing and talking loudly, and as I came to the end of the T, the Walmart employee asked me if I needed to get through.
Me: "Actually I was just coming to join the party because it sounds like a lot of fun down this aisle."
Cart Lady: "Every day is a party for me. I'm retired. I'm looking for a new bedspread and this woman is helping me. She is in charge of this section."
Me: "Well, I'm thinking that I need that quilt right there to go into my purple bedroom."
SueG: "You don't need that quilt."
Me: "You don't know what I need, but it is that quilt."
Cart Lady: "Don't try to talk her out of it if she wants it. It's beautiful. What do you think of the one that I have?"
Me: "It's colorful."
Cart Lady: "Maybe I need that one up there."
Me: "The orange one? Ugh. I don't like orange."
Cart Lady: "You don't? But it's so colorful. Get that down for me, would you? I want to look at it."
Me: "Is your bedroom orange or this blue color?"
Cart Lady: "No, but who cares?"
SueG: "Exactly. Who cares? Get that one. I like it better then the one you have in your cart. It looks like an old pattern from Little House On The Prairie where Ma sewed the quilt all day while Pa worked out in the fields. Give me that one. I'll put it back. Get the orange one."
Me: "I bet you never even watched Little House on the Prairie. Maybe she likes this one."
Cart Lady: "I don't. She's right. Give me that orange one."
SueG: "I did too watch that. And see! She agrees with me."
While they were exchanging the quilts a man came up to us in another electric cart, but couldn't get past us as we were all in the way.
Me: "Hello. Are you here to join the party? Or are you looking for a quilt? Do you need our help or do you just need us to get out of your way?"
Cart Man: "Oh, no, you're fine. I need to find some sheets."
Walmart Lady: "What size?"
Cart Man: "King."
Walmart Lady: "Individual sheets or a set?"
SueG: "What thread count?"
Walmart Lady: "That aisle has 200 thread count or 250 with both sets and individual sheets."
Cart Man: "I don't know what those numbers mean. Are they important?"
SueG: "Oh, yes they are important. The higher the thread count the softer the sheets."
Me: "What color are you looking for? I hope you aren't looking for orange."
Cart Man: "It doesn't matter. Just some sheets. A set. I don't care what number they are."
SueG: "Yes, you do care. You should. You don't want some low number that will scratch you as you roll around in the night."
Cart Lady: "That's the truth. That's why I sleep on the quilt. I'm going to put this quilt on top of the quilt I have on my bed and lie on top of it."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense to me, but I'm going to let that one go as you obviously have what you want in your mind. As for the sheets, I bought sheets in the next aisle for my daughter. She loved them and they are a 300 thread count. I can recommend those, but they are a little pricey."
Cart Man: "I don't care about the price."
Walmart Lady: "These 200 count are nice sheets and come in a lot of different colors."
SueG: "No, don't get those. If price doesn't matter then go with the higher thread count. Those lower counts get pilling with those little balls. You don't want that."
Me: "Yeah, go with the 300 those are nice sheets."
Walmart Lady: "This is my department, and I know my sheets. I purchased those 200 sheets for my nephew, and I've slept on those. The 250 ones too."
Me: "Are you saying you don't want us butting in?"
Cart Lady: "It's too late for that! We're giving our opinions anyway."
Walmart Lady: "I'm saying you all are crazy, but those sheets in that aisle are just fine."
SueG: "Okay, then, if you say they don't pill I'm sure they are fine. And the cost is right."
Cart Man: "I'm looking for sheets for our new sleep number bed. We just got it two days ago. Spent $7,000 for it, but it didn't come with sheets and our sheets aren't long enough."
Walmart Lady: "You mean you need a California King? Well, let's see that's going to be 84 inches long."
Cart Lady: "How much did he say he paid for a bed?"
SueG: "$7,000. Those beds are expensive, but worth it I hear."
Cart Man: "Let me show you something. I have the bed on my phone. Look. This is going to blow you all away. This shows how I slept last night, how many times I moved around. It tells me all sorts of things right here on my phone about how I slept. Isn't that something?"
Me: "You only slept 64%?"
Cart Man: "Look, here's my wife's stats."
Me: "Well, she only slept at 62% so you have her beat. But that's just typical. Husbands always sleep better than the wives."
Cart Man: "We had some trouble with our son yesterday so that's probably why we didn't sleep so well."
Cart Lady: "I hope that's it, because for $7,000 you should be sleeping at least at 90%."
Walmart Lady: "The 250 have California king size sheets. You'll like those."
Cart Lady: "Okay, that's it everyone. Party's over. Get that man his sheets. I've got my quilt. Are you getting your quilt?"
Me: "No, I don't think so. My husband would probably kill me. I'm not sure it's heavy enough."
SueG: "Heavy enough? Are you nuts? Winter is over. It's just going to get hotter. You don't need anything heavy. Not with all of your hot flashes. Give me the quilt. I'll buy it for you."
Me: "No, you're not buying me a quilt. Don't be ridiculous. And I like a little heaviness on me at night."
SueG: "You're weird. You do not. This quilt is perfect. I'm putting it in my cart. Let's go."
She put the quilt and the matching pillow shams in her cart and strode off past the Cart Man and Walmart Lady out of the bedding aisle.
Cart Lady: "She told you."
Me: "She's always telling me."
Cart Lady: "I use to have a friend like that. We did everything together; went shopping, out to eat. We had so much fun. For a year we had a blast."
Me: "What happened? Ah, jeez, you aren't going to tell me she died are you?"
Cart Lady: "Well, she was 93, but no. She met a man."
Me: "Yep, that'll do it."
Cart Lady: "She got herself a man that lived in our complex. He lived upstairs and she lived downstairs. He had to kiss her every night before he went to bed and he would go all the way downstairs to do that, and then do it again in the morning because he had to kiss her good morning every morning. It was just ridiculous. And what did she do?"
Me: "Kiss him back?"
Cart Lady: "She moved in with him! And that was the end of our fun. She moved in with him despite her daughter telling her not to and me telling her not to. I don't need a man. But she did it anyway."
Me: "I'm sorry."
Cart Lady: "Well, some of these ladies are just zipper hungry, and there isn't anything you can do about that. But I sure do miss our fun like what you two are doing today."
SueG Texting: "Stop talking and let's go!"
Me: "You could join us. Maybe we should meet up each week and offer bedding advice to anyone who wheels through here."
Cart Lady: "Now you're talking!"
Walmart Lady: "I heard that!"
SueG Texting: "It's a long walk home. Stop talking!"
Me: "I'm being summoned. It was nice talking to everyone."
Cart Lady: "The party is over everyone."
Me: "Want me to sing? Then for sure we know it's over."
Walmart Lady: "This was the most fun in my department in years."
Me: "I aim to please. Good-bye everyone."
And we all went our separate ways. SueG and I got all of our items. She bought me my quilt. From Walmart we went to a gas station where I insisted that SueG punch in my rewards card number since she didn't have one. She had to get back into the car to roll down the window to hear me give out my ten digit number. She did all of that, inserted her credit card, and was rejected. She had to go inside, muttering the entire time that it was all due to my stupid rewards number. The lady pushed some button to work the pump and SueG got gas and then headed over to the car wash attached to the station. Someone was in the wash ahead of us so she punched in her number and we watched the car in front of us get washed. As he exited, SueG immediately went inside the car wash and the car behind us pulled in to wait for us. The button on the car wash kept flashing red and she went forward and then back and then forward and then back to try to get it to green.
Me: "You didn't wait until the first car got out. So that didn't trigger your turn. You had to be in such a hurry. The machine didn't tell you to go."
SueG: "%$^#%$^$! I can't back up to the machine because that asshole is behind me."
Me: "You mean the man that is as impatient as you?"
SueG: "Don't start in with that breathing crap again. Get out and go punch the machine. Make it work."
Me: "Wait! Are you going to sit here while I do that or are you going to go forward and trigger the car wash so that I can't get back in without getting wet?"
SueG: "I'm going to wait right here, breathing in and out through my stuffy nose. Dammit! I forgot to get Sudafed at Walmart. Wait! It's green. Close the door. We're good."
And we were. For another day. Until our next adventure bringing joy to all of the people we meet. Namaste.
SueG: "You aren't going to put that on your blog are you?"
Me: "Namaste? Yes."
SueG: "You're full of shit."
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