From the purge - what is a thing-a-ma-bob?

In seventh grade English class, we were given the assignment of writing a paragraph answering the question, "What is a thing-a-ma-bob," and we were to draw a picture of it. I don't remember why this was a topic. I only remember coming home and telling my mother the assignment. 

She thought it was stupid. My mother, who was once an English and P.E. teacher, very rarely agreed with us that school assignments were ridiculous, but this one annoyed her. While I was busy writing my paper, she too wrote an essay.

She was very proud of her paper and wanted me to turn it in with my own writing. I refused. 

She told me to do it. 

I argued. 

She pushed. 

I cried. 

She got mad, and as always where my mother was concerned, I caved. I took the paper to school, my stomach churning, and wondered how I would get it to the teacher without her noticing. It turned out much easier than expected. 

The teacher, whose name I do remember, but will refer to her as Mrs. Y, had us read our paper aloud at the front of the room, so I put my mother's essay behind mine so that after I was done reading mine, I laid them both down in the pile. Relieved, home free, I returned to my seat the task accomplished. Unfortunately, it didn't end there.

We had also had to draw a picture, and suddenly Mrs. Y remembered that we had not shown those. Back she went through the papers, reading our names and holding up the pictures. 

When she came to my mother's paper, the name read, "Anonymous." My mother had wanted to put, "What's her name," but vetoed that on the final draft. Mrs. Y asked whose paper this belonged to, and when no one responded, she went nuts. 

She was so mad. She kept reading the paper silently, then threatened the author with all sorts of punishment for using "inappropriate words." I was horrified. I could not come clean in front of the class because I was embarrassed, and the woman was furious. She finally moved on but said that if the author didn't fess up by the end of the school day, he or she would face expulsion. I was scared to death.

I was a shy kid back in the day, and very quiet in school unless around my friends. This whole incident had me so worried I'm lucky I didn't vomit in class. When English ended, I waited for the room to clear out, gathering my belongings slowly, and went up to Mrs. Y. 

I started crying and told her my mother had written the paper, that she was an English teacher and that my mother had thought the assignment funny, and that she made me turn it in as a joke. 

The poor woman had no idea what to do. Now that I'm an adult and have spent time teaching in a classroom as a substitute teacher, I can feel for her, but back then, she was not a favorite. I was shaking and sobbing, and she stood there, probably thinking in her head, "What the hell kind of a mother is this kid's parent?" Outwardly, she gave a fake laugh and told me it was a fine paper.

That should have been the end of things, but that night happened to be our Open House. Of course, my mother was pissed at the teacher's response to her paper. She made my dad go into the classroom, walk up to the teacher, and introduce himself as "Anonymous' husband." 

In Mrs. Y's defense, she did laugh. She laughed and laughed, and when my mother entered the room, she told my mom how much she had enjoyed the paper, and the next day when the document was returned to me, she had written, "I must say, this is most imaginative and descriptive. The vocabulary is "out of this world!" I think this was a clever idea!" 

The vocabulary was all made up, but honestly, what was Mrs. Y suppose to do?

I do have to say that after the incident, Mrs. Y treated me better than she had ever treated me before. A few years later, my mother ran into her at the grocery where she had her newborn baby with her, and when my mother peeked into the stroller, she told Mrs. Y, "She looks just like E.T." 

Thank god I had graduated by that time! (Oh, and I apparently did not keep my own written paragraph on a thing-a-ma-bob)

Here then, is Anonymous' English 7-1 paper written on my birthday in November 1976.

A Thing-a-Ma-Bob

A "thing-a-ma-bob" is a very important part of a wha-cha-ma-call-it. Without it, the stabisat on your framminger will not lucrete. What's-his-name- told me about the time his "thing-a-ma-bob misfractionated and shoofited his do-hikey, leftending him with a prolooped asprite. Mestron accondrys deponate on a "thing-a-ma-bob" a lot. - © C.Mason 1976