Where's my sign?

Friday afternoon a little after 4 o'clock, I was sitting on my couch eating a tangerine when a woman knocked on my front storm door. I turned my head and looked at this stranger while Elliot barked and barked at her, "Who are you? What the hell are you doing at my door? Stranger, stranger. I shall kill you and rip you into tiny shreds." The woman was wearing skimpy shorts that looked like pajama bottoms, a short sleeved shirt, and flip flops. She was close enough to my door that her belly was flush against it, and I might have hesitated a bit before standing and going to see what she needed because for a minute I thought I was seeing things.

My storm door has a hidden screen, and instead of opening my door to strangers, I pull down the glass to reveal the screen, and I did this as I stared at this women.Her eyes were very bloodshot, her hair quite messy, and she was wearing perfume that smelled suspiciously like alcohol. It was only 61 degrees outside, and while my northern readers will scoff at me, she was not appropriately dressed for a Floridan. Elliot continued yelling at her, "Get away. Back it up lady. You don't want me to have to come out there and make you back up."

Me: "Hi."
Her: "Hi. How are you?"
Me: "I'm fine thanks."

My mind was running like a runner in a sprint. It was asking me all sorts of questions like, "Is the back door locked? Did you go outside there today? Did you lock it back up? Is it locked now? Remember years ago when people came and distracted you at the front door and robbed you from the back door? Is this door you are standing at even locked? It isn't! I can feel that it isn't even securely latched. Can you take this woman if she attempts entry?" Because of this gibbering in my brain, I might have missed some of what she said before I came back to the moment.

Her: "So I found this bunny. You know. A pet rabbit. It's so cute. Do you know whose it is? I mean, is it yours?"

I wanted to tell her to step back off of my porch, look up at my house and tell me if there was a "Please Deposit Lost Pets Here" sign. Instead I held up my hand like the cop in Frosty the Snowman, but I did refrain from hollering "Stop!"

Me: "Let me stop you right there. I do not have a rabbit. I have no animals other than this yappy thing at my feet who drives me nuts twenty four/seven. I do not want any other animals, and I am not the house to drop off lost pets. Truly. And no. I don't know anyone around here who has a pet rabbit."
Her: "Really? Well, I....I need to have someone....I hated to come here since I know you took the lost dog the other day, but..."
Elliot: "What? That damn dog that licked all of my toys? Invaded my home? Slept in my bed? You know him? Back off my porch Missy."
Me: "Are you the woman who dropped him off here?"
Her: "What? Oh, no."
Me: "So how did you know about it then?"

I wasn't being very friendly for sure. I heard my tone, but I had had enough of the dropping off of lost pets wandering the neighborhood. And since my daughter had no idea who the lady was that dropped off Dong Sully, I thought maybe this woman was her, and frankly I was going to give her a piece of my mind.

Her: "Well, your...uh...I guess he is your husband? Your husband told me. The dog was really cute. And friendly. He was with the dog and came down...he was looking....I guess for the owner?"
Elliot: "I hated that dog. How dare you! Let me at this woman. Let me have a piece of her!"
Me: "Do you live in this neighborhood?"
Her: (eyes widening) "Yes! Do you know Barbara? I live next to Barbara."

So I opened my door and stepped outside. Mainly because I couldn't take Elliot's barking anymore, and mainly because I felt I was being rude to someone who said she was my neighbor. The woman reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke, and up close her eyes were even worse then I had originally thought; glazed, stoned, clearly not focused too well. She told me that the black and white rabbit was in her backyard, that she didn't dare touch it because she didn't want it to scratch her all over, and what kind of fruit was that in my tree? Her talking went like that, all over the place, from one subject to another. She would talk about the bunny, talk about a neighbor, and then suddenly shriek, "Squirrel!" Well, she didn't do that, but that is what she reminded me of. After ten minutes of that nonsense, I knew I had to put an end to it.

Me: "Okay, well, good luck with finding the owner. Welcome to the neighborhood. And please, don't think of me if you find any other lost animals. Oh, and tell everyone else you meet that too. This is not the house to drop off lost pets."

I opened my door, and popped in as quick as I could, pulling the door closed behind me. She stood and blinked at me for a moment, and then she bid me good-bye, and walked off. It was then that I noticed she had a large purse hanging from her shoulder. What? Who leaves her house and walks four doors down with a purse? Sigh. Maybe she was going to offer me cash for taking in the animal.

Elliot: "Don't be ridiculous. A black and white bunny in her backyard? It was probably a skunk, and she doesn't know any better in her alcohol haze. Money or no money we don't need any more animals, pets or otherwise."
Me: "True that, Big E, true that."