Am I really?

I belonged to BookBurb a site that offers discounted Kindle books through sites like Amazon. Each morning I receive an email giving me details on the types of genres I have selected, and some of the books are free. Since I have decided to focus on trying to finish a novel I have been reading like crazy, one of the things listed through my writing organization as a "must". All of this means that I get on my obscure email address that I only use for businesses every day. I didn't use to do this, but now I don't want to miss a freebie, and so I hop on the email daily.

Last night, before going to bed I realized I hadn't checked that email, and so I did. The first email was from Facebook telling me I had a message. Usually I delete those things right off the bat because they never give you any information, and most of the time I check in on Facebook every week or so and figure I'll see whatever Facebook believes I need to see immediately. This time, however, I stopped right before hitting the button because it was from my cousin's wife Jaimee, whose misspelling of her name drives me nuts because I have to look it up every time I type it. Her mom was a rebel! It said she had tagged me in a post, and because I was sure it was a photo I would not approve of I went to Facebook.

Sniff. Sniff. She had written a little something on her blog about how much I've got her fooled she loves me. I read it, and by the time I got to the end I was crying. It was lovely. But then I read it again as my daughter read it, and it was strange because I don't feel like I'm all that. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a hell of a woman deep down, but on the surface I feel I have way too many flaws to be revered in a blog post. Recently, I was doing an introspective after an incident in a meeting where I kept bringing up the fact that I had been in the position of secretary for the last six years. I was trying to figure out if I wanted some sort of recognition, but a few days later when a teacher thanked me for all I had done in the last six years and told me I was wonderful, I shut down. Looking back on that, I was so very uncomfortable, and that's what I felt when I read Jaimee's entry.

I suppose it is interesting to see how people see you, but I think it's hard to see yourself through their eyes. In my high school year book peers wrote about how I was "sweet" and "funny". All I remember about high school was thinking that none of my peers even saw me, walking right past me in the hall. Or those that did notice me thought I was outdated, sad, and so "not with it". I realize now that is how I thought of myself, and while deep down I know I'm made of more substance, I'm constantly afraid that people will figure me out and be so disappointed.

Why do we, especially girls, do that? I'm a middle aged woman now, and I still feel like I'm that awkward teenager vying just to be noticed, respected, and loved. I've had moments where I felt on my game, where I believed I had done something wonderful, but those are few and far between. Choosing a job that people didn't consider a career, didn't help, and then when I quit all together to stay at home, well, I just went down another notch...in my mind, which I guess I believed millions of others thought. Of course, there are people out there who do believe this, and I know that from the question, "What will you do with yourself now that you won't have kids at home" is my first indicator. I think that question fuels my need to finish a novel. I like being able to respond to that with, "I'll be able to spend more time on my writing."

As I read it again while writing this entry, it suddenly came to me. I am that person. When I'm with Jaimee. She brings out the good in me because I love that she sees me as I want to be seen. I like making her laugh because her laugh is the greatest. She is the girl that in high school would have been in the clicky group that I wished would have accepted me. Making her laugh, makes me feel I've succeeded in some way. Yet, everything about her that I like is also part of who I am. We know it all, and if everyone would just listen to us, well, frankly, life would be perfect for him or her. While we are direct, we are also kind, and we would do anything for family. Truly.

We all want to be loved. To be recognized and be assured that we are good people. I've reread Jaimee's entry several times, and each time I've tried to be accepting, to see that person that she sees. Maybe I'll print out copies and hang it all around my house to remind myself that there is more to me than I see. I think it could be therapeutic. Thanks Jaimee for the kind words and dedication. I hope that when we move into our next life we hook up again to make the world a better place. And this time I hope people pay better attention to our direction!