She took me into a darkened room where I had to answer questions about my eyesight. I told her I was practically bionic and then gave my cataract sob story. She was good at remaining neutral in her facial features and excitement level. I wasn't sure if she was impressed or not.
I had to stick my eyes into a machine, much like at the DMV, only this test was quite different than any vision test I've had. There were numbers from 1-10, and next to each number was a square box with four circles. One of the rings wasn't closed, and I was told to pick out that circle. I got two attempts. If I guessed correctly, I moved on to the next number. Each square box got smaller and smaller.
Again, the competitive streak that resides in me came to life. I knocked out the right eye with better than 20/20 vision. I was not surprised. Did I not just tell her I was practically bionic? The left eye wasn't as good, but it too scored well. Then she asked about my reading vision. I explained that it depended on the lighting, and then we went back to the machine. This was harder. Those little suckers were teeny. But I scored well. By now, I could tell she was somewhat impressed. Somewhat.
Next up was the hearing test. Now, let me just tell everyone this right now. Long ago, and by that, I mean in my twenties, I was written up in a medical journal for my exceptional hearing. I tell this to my children all the time, and they now quote me when they feel I'm about to spout out this helpful, useful information. It's one of the reasons why they couldn't put anything past me. I could always hear them.
My doctor sent me to an ENT because my ears were always closing up like I was on a 747 every other hour. He did an exam and then sent me into a soundproof room where I had to listen to beeps and raise my hand when I heard the noise either on the left or right sides. I listened to all sorts of beeps at different frequencies, and I was told I had exceptional hearing--like at the level of dogs and other animals. They tested me again to make sure it wasn't a fluke--it wasn't--and then the doctor asked if he could write about me for a medical journal article. It took me longer to sign all the papers for that then it did for him to tell me to take Dimetapp and hold my nose and blow when my ears clogged. End of story.
I didn't tell this to the ARNP until after I came out of the little soundproof booth, where she tested my 53-year-old ears. She told me I scored above my age group, and there were some frequencies I heard that impressed her. See, I impressed her. She marked down normal for both my eyes and ears because there wasn't an exceptional category.
From that room, we went into an examination room where this woman examined me like much like my regular physicals--minus the pap smear--heart, lungs, nose, ears. My right ear was full of wax (good to know why it always clogged after swimming,) and she recommended an ENT or a self-removal wax kit.
I hopped off the table, and she reviewed my Life Scan results. Did I have any questions regarding the ultrasound? I asked about the HUGE cyst on the liver. Again, I got that the lab results were normal, if not perfect. Did I have any pain? A feeling of fullness?
Me: "Could this be the reason I'm fat? Because I have a HUGE cyst growing in my stomach?"
Her: "No."
She didn't find me humorous. Whatever. She told me to discuss the ultrasound results with my practitioner at my yearly physical, got me copies of my HUGE cyst, and put everything into my envelope. I need to watch my intake of fatty foods, monitor my cholesterol, take my medications, and continue exercising. Nothing I didn't already know. My lab results were the same as they had been a year ago because I have those results. I mean seriously, straight across the board. The results were still not in on my CTA, and she told me to call back next week. Then she released me.
What? That was it?
I was hoping for a nutrionalist, but apparently, that is no more? She gathered my paperwork, brought it to me in a large envelope, thanked me, and told me she'd see me again next year.
And just like that, my Life Scan Wellness check was over. I went to my car and read through the results. Mr. Buff Body wrote down in the comment section what I thought was Evil Weeval, albeit misspelled.
I have since reread those results and believe it to be Eval W/VL, which I have no idea about despite multiple Internet searches. I hope it doesn't mean I'm dying. I also discovered my EKG had come back abnormal during the stress test. Yet, no one went over that with me. Erg. I decided to wait to hear back about the CTA.
It was normal--across the board. No blocked coronaries. No stenosis. No major anything. Normal, normal, normal, although not NORMAL. Apparently, that is only used for HUGE.
I'm going to tell people I was NORMAL except for an abnormal EKG, a HUGE cyst, and an Evil W/VL. Next up on the health regime is a colonoscopy and perhaps a visit to a cardiologist. I'm ignoring the cyst until my November yearly well check because it is NORMAL in my Internet research.
After all of my health SnapChats, I heard from people concerned about all these tests. I mean, even my brother called me. That right there? That is HUGE. I obviously need to shake people up a bit to get them to check in with me. But seriously, it was nice to hear from everyone besides the NORMAL SnapChat dailies. Thanks all for loving me. I love you too.
So, now I'm going to finish up the rest of the medical and put my crazy mind to rest. Then I'm going to exercise, cut down on fatty foods, lower my cholesterol, and get more sleep. Then next year, I'm going to SET SOME RECORDS in the Life Scan Wellness Center.
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