Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth,

 I am going to be turning 40 soon, and I know my  husband wants to throw me a big birthday bash. It is something of a tradition  in his family. He comes from a family of ten children and each time someone turns the decade mark  his family throws a huge party complete with caterer, band, and entertainment activities. His family flies in from all over the US and it becomes a weekend activity.   I do not want this. I am not a person that enjoys a  huge celebration.  I would like to celebrate my birthday with my immediate family at a nice restaurant with a nice birthday cake. I have told  this to my husband, but I  know he is planning on his regular family bash.   What do I do? How can I get him to understand my feelings?

Almost 40

Dear Almost 40:

I know you are feeling uneasy about turning 40. I am almost 40 myself and none of my friends can believe it. Being 40 is not the end of the world, so I hear, but your wishes regarding this birthday should be heeded. You have told your husband that you do not want a big bash but he is ignoring you on this matter?  What a beast!

As I see it you can either reiterate your strong feelings on this matter hoping he yields, or you can grin and bear this party he is planning. On the other hand, you can have a conversation with him about how you have been living a lie all these years and must now tell him the truth. You will explain to him that you have been lying about your age during your whole marriage. You can say that you are actually only 36 years old (best not to go too young or he won't believe you). Tell him that your mother lied about your age to get you into school earlier because of your superior intelligence and that you just stuck to the fake age all this time. 

Or, heaven forbid, tell him that you are actually older than he thinks you are. Tell him you are already 40 years old. Reverse the school story and tell him you were held back a year due to your "slowness".  Apologize profusely for misleading him. It's only a year off, you'll say. That way you have 10 more years to plan your escape from the big Five-Oh birthday party. Good Luck!

*****

Dear Ruth,

 Due to your vast knowledge, I thought I would ask you a philosophical question: Which came first, Dear Ruth, the Spicey Chicken Filet or the Egg  McMuffin?  

-McWaiting in McHenry

Dear McWaiting in McHenry:
I am not much of a philosopher I am afraid.  If pressed, I would have to say the Spicy Chicken Filet, only because it is a solid belief among theologians that God created cayenne pepper before Canadian bacon.

*****

Dear Ruth,

My husband, "Jeff" is a detective in the narcotics division of our local law enforcement agency. He must go undercover in some of the seediest parts of town to infiltrate drug groups. To do this he has grown a beard. When he  is out with his us, his family, he dresses nicely and looks nothing like his "undercover" person. Yet he still gets looks from people, and the other day an elderly woman approached him, patted his beard and asked, "What are you  trying to hide?"  How should my husband respond to people like this woman? He can't reveal what he does for a living, but he shouldn't have to  put up with that sort of  nonsense either.  

Undercover Wife

Dear Undercover Wife:

It seems it's always the elderly who think they can just say anything they want and act anyway they want in any situation. It is unfortunate. I guess it's a by-product of being old. They see The Grim Reaper loitering on their doorstep and think to themselves "Oh well, I might as well tell everyone I know exactly what I am thinking at every moment. Even strangers.  I might not get another chance." 

For this we, the younger generation, must forgive them. Someday, we will be that old, God willing, and may want to "let it all hang out" too.  In situations where your husband is being interrogated about his beard by a senior citizen, you have two choices. 

One, he can smile devilishly and say something like "I am working undercover for the CIA right now. Don't give me away." Then wink.  Or, two, when asked what you are hiding, he can reply, "Horrible scars!" and then burst into tears and run away.

*****

Dear Ruth,

What famous people do you know? Do you have a  little black book? Would you  be willing to sell it?

Just Wondering....

Dear Just Wondering:

In my many travels and incarnations, I have managed to meet a few celebrities. I am not a name dropper mind you. But....I did once meet Joe DiMaggio (pre-Marilyn). And I am very good friends with  Debbie Reynolds, Dame Edna (who stole my idea and turned it into a multi-million dollar-making career) and Barbara Mandrell. I briefly knew Warren Beatty at one point in the late 60's. I have had David Groh, Tippi Hedren and Peter Jennings to dinner. And of course, as everyone knows, I almost married Ed Begley Jr. after a crazy weekend in the Canary Islands.  I do not have a black book. It's white. And no, it's not for sale until after my death.

*****

Dear Ruth,

 I was having a conversation yesterday with my dear sister about shower curtains, of all things. She insisted that the reason I keep the pretty purple flower shower curtain in the guest bathroom and the older, no-so-pretty, yellow polka-dotted curtain in my own personal bathroom stems from the fact that, subconsciously, I deny myself  the better things in life and put other people's needs ahead of my own. I was  not aware that I had developed such an unattractive character flaw. Now, as part of my personal  improvement program, I would like to become more  "me" centered. Any advice or  tips?


Too Selfless For My Own Good

Dear TSFMOG:

Let's not go overboard. Just because you want your guests to enjoy the prettier shower curtain does not mean that you are too selfless for your own good. I mean, this is just a shower curtain we're talking about. It's not like you donated a lung to a homeless child.  

Putting other people's needs ahead of your own is neither unattractive nor a flaw. I am always thinking of others before myself, and I am quite attractive.  The trick is not to be selfless 24 hours a day. You do need to take some "me" time.  Following are some ways you can build yourself up and renew your batteries so to speak:

1. Once a week stand in front of the mirror completely naked and repeat over and over to yourself "I am pretty. I am sexy. I am young". 
2. Have a weekend fling with someone you don't know all that well. Nothing does so much for body and soul. 
3. Don't skimp on store-bought pastries. Go to a real bakery and stuff eclairs down your throat until you feel ill. 
4. Spend lots of time with pets. Animals can have a very soothing effect on our nerves. 
5. Do something you have never done before, like go to a monster truck rally, dye your hair blonde or visit the Hawaiian Islands. 
6. Every night before you go to bed, burn a five dollar bill just for the hell of it.  
7. When it's cold outside, don't be afraid to crank up the heat. Both you and your guests deserve no less. 
8. One last piece of advice: Tell your sister to mind her own damn business and start psychoanalyzing herself instead of you. I am sure she could use it.

"If you aren't reading Ruth Wellington, you are missing out! The best advice on the planet!"

-- Bob Peters, Tampa Daily

"I laugh so hard I choke on my cereal! No one tells it like she sees it then Ruth Wellington."

--- Lillian Druthers, Author, Los Angeles 

Monday NFL recap = week #13

Steelers: One, I called the Antonio Brown 71 yard punt return for the touchdown. I have proof. My husband was right there when I told Brown to do just that. Second, I laughed my head off at his stupidity of running body and head first into the goal post and getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Third, can we not play like that from now until the Super Bowl?

• The game started off with a fumble by the Steelers and then an interception thrown by the Colts all before one minute had come off the clock.
• Not sure what was wrong with Jacoby Jones tonight, but frankly I'd rather have AB running back the punts.
• I was thrilled to see Ben take a chance and run on a third down that we needed at the time, but I also understood when the entire crowd at Heinz Field shouted, "Get down!" after he made the first down and kept running.
• The discussion of age was really running rampant from Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth in the booth. I was really tired of hearing about how shocked they seem to be about the elderly players from Colts Hasselbeck to Steelers Roethlisberger, Williams, and Harrison. Yee Gads! Old people have feelings too and can still play!
• I started rethinking my Beckham point below (written before the Steelers game) after Antonio Brown's 80 yard catch at the end of the third quarter. I think he might just be the better receiver.
• Roethlisberger's faith in Brown when he just launches the ball up and far down the field is amazing. The two of them mesh like peanut butter and jelly.
• The game was full of stripping balls last night with both teams realizing that was a good way to go. What? That thought just came up?
• Why was Al Michaels wearing his big, black, poofy winter jacket in the broadcast booth? What the Steelers don't put these guys inside?
• A lot of good quotes came out of the broadcast tonight. One of my favorites was from DeAngelo Williams who told Chris Collinsworth, "Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was never an old dog." Amen Williams!
• The next best quote came after Antonio Brown smacked into the goal post after his punt return for a TD. Apparently he was trying to "stick to it", but instead just looked like an idiot and almost knocked himself out. Collinsworth said, "The biggest hit Antonio Brown takes all night is from the goal post."
• Tomlin will have a talk with AB about that nonsense in the end zone. I know he just wants to have fun, but really? He's lucky he got up and walked away from that one. 
• Before the Steelers game I only had 36 fantasy football points. After the game I had over 103. Whoop!

Other:

• Congratulations to Fox for their wonderful, informative, heartfelt pregame show from Pearl Harbor. Totally awesome.
• I follow Fox's Jay Glazer on Twitter and Instagram so I did know about his MVP program (Merging Vets and Players) that was featured on the pregame show. A worthy cause and another reminder for all of us that sports ain't all flowers and unicorns and tons of money. The two groups, vets and players, have way more in common and are helping each other recovering from their injuries and post work issues. 
• Gotta give Packers Richard Rogers more than the hail mary catch that won the game because that boy stood in the right spot, off to the side of the crowd, patiently watching where the ball was going and then he just calmly slid to the right and jumped up for the touchdown. I wouldn't call that a fluke. I'd call that smart.
• Marcus Mariota got some nice blocking in the fourth quarter to allow him to zig zag down the field 87 yards, but it was the Titans fan dressed as a giant pineapple cheering him on that had my mouth agape.
• The Bucs penalties are not only killing their team, but their killing me in fantasy football with all the yards nulled for Doug Martin. While the 8 penalties were half as many as their worst in week 7 it still cost me them 53 yards. Stop it!
• Miami's Lamar Miller got a bit cocky after his catch against Baltimore. He thought he would be cute with a little stutter stepping dance certainly did not fool his opponent and instead of getting past the defender he fumbled and lost the ball. "Don't forget the football son," the Redzone announcer advised him when calling the game.
•  I know that Steelers Antonio Brown thinks he is the best receiver in the league, but I'll make the case for Odem Beckham Jr. After getting a flag for delay of game for kicking the football after Manning overthrew him, he made one of his great catches on fourth down to keep the Giants alive in overtime. His catches, especially last week's one hander, are beyond impressive.
• Chargers coach Mike McCoy needs sunscreen on that bald spot he has on the top of his head. Hey, coach, you live in a sunny area. Sunscreen! Or a hat that isn't a visor.
• The first ever NFL blocked extra point return was recorded yesterday in the Saints/Panthers game, and I was glad to find out it had never been done before because I have to admit I had no idea what the hell was going on. 
• While Panther's quarterback Cam Newton didn't do any ridiculous silliness while running toward the end zone in the third quarter he did slow down his speed and tried to score nonchalantly. Instead of scoring Newton was stopped short of the goal line and hit helmet to helmet. First of all, there was no flag for the hit to the head. Secondly, here is another example of that stupid running, jumping, somersaulting crap into the end zone. "He kind of slow plays it here at the end," said Joe Buck. "I'm with you it looked like Cam Newton was coasting," weighed in Troy Aikman. He was. And guess what? He didn't get in.

NFL Picks - week #13

Last Week - 7 - 9

Overall - 90 - 87

I'm out of town, coming home today, so I'm not sure what football I'll get to watch today, but have told my friend we have to be home in time for the Steelers on Sunday Night Football.

Green Bay over Detroit - Holy Hail Mary! Wow!

Buffalo over Houston - I had the Texans because suddenly they seem to be playing some football, but then I remembered how Rex Ryan motivates his players and I switched at the last moment.

Chicago over San Francisco - Are the 49'ers still playing football?

Cincinnati over Cleveland -In the division the Bengals are the better team.

Jacksonville over Tennessee- I felt the underdogs had it in them this week.

Arizona over St. Louis- The Cardinals surely can't lose this one.

Baltimore over Miami- Flip a coin on this one. Both teams have issues. Maybe losing Flacco was just what the Ravens need to eek out a win.

Seattle over Minnesota - If the Seahawks I watched last week show up the Vikings have no chance.

Giants over Jets - When unsure stick with a Manning.

Tampa Bay over Atlanta - The Bucs have the talent if they can just gel together and last the entire game.

Kansas City over Oakland - Hmmmm...I don't remember my thinking on this one.

Denver over San Diego - Phillip Rivers always plays really well against the Broncos, but lately the Chargers have messed me up so I don't have faith in them.

New England over Philadelphia- Tom Brady doesn't lose this week.

Carolina over New Orleans - The Panthers are going to drop a game eventually, and if that is true this would be the game I think that it could happen, but then I remember how piss poor the Saints have been in the past two weeks and I say, "forget about it."

Pittsburgh over Indianapolis - Ah, jeez, another team where I have people messing with me. My die hard Colts fan cousin, Captain Colt, said, "Our old guy takes on your old guy." I responded with, "My old guy is better than your old guy."

Washington over Dallas - Because right now the 'Skins are playing better than the Cowboys.

My first pie baking experience

As a youngster, when it came time for me to learn how to cook I had no real interest. As I always told the story, it was my mother's fault. She didn't have much patience when it came to teaching me. The truth is probably more than that. While it was true that we didn't jell in the kitchen I also just didn't care about learning how. Creating and whipping up concoctions was not high on my lists of activities. I tried. I thought baking cookies would be fun, but when it came time to stir the cookie dough it was too hard. My arms hurt. The dough never got soggy enough with me twirling the spoon around in it, and even after my mother would fix that problem it took SO long to drop the dough on to cookie sheets. And I could never get the size right. I was always being admonished about the size; it was too large, it was too small; the cookies weren't correctly spaced. I hated it.

After my required home economics class in grade school, I became more tiring in the kitchen. I wanted to measure everything and follow the recipe, but my mother didn't cook like that. While she had recipes she rarely gave them more than a glance and everything was a "pinch of this" and a "dash of that". Huh? It made her crazy when I would measure out teaspoons and tablespoons, and I spent a lot of time just standing and staring at the recipe, the bowl of whatever we were concocting, and into space. Most of the time my mother was in a hurry and she would get mad. I learned early on that if I didn't want to work in the kitchen I could appear blank and she would send me out quickly. I left home not really able to cook much beyond spaghetti and a boxed cake. 

Moving into my own apartment I existed on a lot of spaghetti and Breyers chocolate chip ice cream that first year. It wasn't until my co-workers pushed me a little on changing up my dinners that I started dabbling in the kitchen. One co-worker taught me how to cut vegetables correctly. One co-worker talked me through making stir-fry. My co-worker's mother worked very hard at teaching me and constantly sent me home with different recipes. By the time I met my husband I had a few meals under my belt, but it wasn't until Kelly, Hazel as my husband called her back then, moved here and began cooking for our family. She would come two or three nights a week and whip up dinners for us and it was watching her and having to provide for my children that I learned to cook. 

My mother was a good cook. She prided herself on her various dishes, one of those being pies and pie crusts. Her recipe was one that came from my father's mother who taught my mother how to properly make pie crusts. My mother got to be a snob when it came to tasting pie crusts and rarely liked anyone else's crusts. The only pie crust that passed her test was my mother-in-law's pie crusts. Everyone elses? Ugh.

Pies are not a favorite of mine. I could careless about a pie. Give me a cake. I love cake. I could eat a piece of cake everyday. The only pie I really cared about as a kid was pumpkin and my Aunt Lorene's coconut cream pie. As I got older I added Village Inn's peanut butter and french silk to the list, but for the most part pie eating is very rare for me. As my mother and I spent holidays together here in the latter part of her life, she would lament about how she would never taste her pie crusts again because she was unable to stand and make them. She talked to me about how I could learn now that I was a good cook, but the thought of being in a kitchen again with her as a teacher making, of all things, a PIE was not high on my lists at all. I rejected the idea time and time again and she would sigh, "Grandma Mason's pie crust recipe will die with me then because I'm not sure I taught that to Rusty. Perhaps your sisters learned, but if not, no more Grandma Mason's pie crusts." And she would sigh again and again. "Oh, to have one more bite of that crust."

Yeah. No. Rolling out dough? I couldn't even tolerate that chore when I bought the Pillsbury over the counter ready made dough. I preferred to chop it into pieces and slap it on to the cookie sheet then roll it out and cut shapes out of it. Having her yell at me while I was learning to make pie crusts? God forbid. I vetoed it and never learned.

Then came this year's Thanksgiving. I don't know what happened, but suddenly, I wanted to have Thanksgiving, and I wanted to do it right. Of course, I had Hazel. Hell, I don't know how to cook a turkey and have no interest in learning that little chore either, but the rest of it, mash potatoes, green beans, stuffing, rolls, etc? I could certainly handle all of that and more. I invited my husband's family to join us, and Hazel and I made the Thanksgiving list. My MIL, who never comes empty handed, offered to bring the wine. She said, "What can I bring? What would you like me to bring? Wine? I could bring wine and...." I didn't jump in waiting for her to say, "and pies", but that never came. Instead it she said, "I could bring wine and...wine. I could bring wine." And I thought what the hell, the woman is 85 years old and has cooked enough Thanksgiving meals in her life. Bring the wine! I'll get the Village Inn to cook my pies.

Then I ate a pumpkin pie from the Village Inn. I didn't find it to my liking, and while our local Publix bakery makes decent pumpkin pies, I suddenly decided that I would make a pumpkin pie. Hell, I would make TWO of them and I WOULD MAKE THE PIE CRUST MYSELF. I don't know what got in to me, but I was determined. I felt something inside of me and it was telling me that I could do this and do it right. I did not have Grandma Mason's pie crust recipe, but I did remember that Crisco was involved and so I looked up the recipe on their site and bought the ingredients which consisted of flour, salt, Crisco, and water. Seriously? Note to self: Check mother's recipe box at The Condo for Grandma's recipe for next year.

I started late the night before the big feast. I whipped up two batches and did the suggested, "put dough in the refrigerator for thirty minutes." After that time period I began rolling out the dough. It wasn't easy. There is a knack for that, I believe, and I certainly do not have it. My husband wandered in to watch me, and while he brought back memories of my mother hovering, he also has extraordinary teaching patience. He stepped in to help me lift the dough on to the pie plate, and he did not panic when it broke apart, instead piecing it together because, "no one will see that when the pumpkin is on top of it." I did the second pie crust all by myself with minimal frustration and tears. The pumpkin part was very easy and took no time at all. Soon the kitchen and house began smelling of what I remembered from my mother's pumpkin pie making days.

They were delicious. While the pie crusts weren't not perfect they tasted fine and the inside was delicious if I do say so myself. I tasted the pie the next morning before I served it to anyone just to make sure. I practically sobbed from the deliciousness of it. Holy, crap, I baked pies!! They were a hit at Thanksgiving and my family enjoyed the leftovers until I dropped the entire pie on the floor two days later, shattering the borrowed glass pie plate I had borrowed from my friend. Hey, I can't be perfect right out of the gate.

Oh, no he didn't

Maddy flew back to college on Sunday during my televised Steelers game. I announced that morning the time I thought we should leave and then I was immersed in football. At the time I felt was a good time to head to the airport I sent my DVR and loudly told everyone it was time to go. Immediately, Madison jumped up and began running around the house collecting things she needed to pack. Tom asked if the boarding pass had been printed, and when he found out that she hadn't done that, he began lecturing.

Tom: "You should have already done that. Madison! What are you doing? The boarding pass needs to be printed."

Madison: "Okay. Can you do it?"

Me: "She can't do it Tom as you made the reservation. It is in the site under your name and password."

Tom: "I don't believe that. You should know how to do that. You go to the site and check in."

The two of them went around and around on this with Tom finally printing the pass and Madison finishing packing. We were out the door fifteen minutes later than the time I thought we should have left. About halfway to the airport Madison suddenly realized she didn't have her phone. She casually turned around in the front seat to me riding in the back seat where I was watching game updates on my phone. She asked me to call her phone. Immediately, Tom was all over that.

Tom: "What? Where is your phone? You don't have your phone? How can you not have your phone?"

Madison: "I forgot it with all the yelling you were doing about the boarding pass."

Me: "I used "Find my Iphone" and it is at home. I remember seeing it in the Steelers room."

All the way back to the house Tom lectured.

Tom: "You should have to go without it. Anyone that forgets his phone should have to go without it. Who leaves their phone? That's crazy!"

Me: "Ok, Dad, but I need my phone. It has all of my stuff on it for school. I need it to contact the bus driver to get me home or if I can't find the bus I have to call an uber."

Tom: "Well, you should have thought of that before you forgot your phone. How can you not have your phone? It's a piece of you. It's ridiculous. You should have your phone. That's the most important thing you should have thought of."

Madison: "I thought it was a boarding pass."

Tom: "That too. The phone and the boarding pass and ID. I mean, really, you forgot your phone? You should have to go without it for the next ten days."

Madison: "You already said that and besides we are almost home."

She got her phone and we started back to the airport now WAY past the time I initially told everyone to be ready to leave. Tom remarked once more about how no one should forget their phone and then he concentrated on driving. I was busy watching game updates and announcing them from the back seat so I missed Tom's searching around his seat, but Madison didn't.

Madison: "What are you doing? You're not even looking at the road."

Tom: "I'm looking for my phone."

Madison: "You shouldn't be using your phone while driving."

Tom: "I had it right here in my hand.  Did it fall? Do you see it?" He turned to me in the back seat. "Use that "Find my Iphone" to see where my phone is."

Me: "Seriously? Why wouldn't it be here? No one should be without his phone. Isn't that what you just said?"

Tom: "Exactly. Can you find my phone?"

It too was back at the house. I announced that information like I was announcing the arrival of a King. Tom's shoulders slumped.

Madison: "Dad? Did you forget your phone?"

Me: "And what in the world was in your hand a moment ago that resembled a phone? I mean, who forgets his phone? That's crazy. Your phone is the most important thing. Really? You forgot your phone?"

Tom: "Okay, go ahead. Get it out of your system."

And we did. All the way to the airport.

Ask Ruth Wellington

"Read the column that everyone is talking about over coffee every Tuesday morning!" --- Buckley 

Press 

 "The next Ann? Ruth just tells it like it is." --- Pinellas Courier

Dear Ruth:

I am a person who likes to think that I do the best  Herman Munster ---here it  goes -- HA HA HA --I think it is the boss.   Please tell me I am not a nerd in waiting. Ruth I know you have been around and  the stories are that you  had more than a lunch with Fred Gwynne. DARN, DARN,  DARN,

Dear Herman Fan:

I feel that part of your letter may be missing as it just ends with darn darn darn and then a comma. Okay, nothing is more entertaining than a good impressionist and it seems that you have perfected Herman Munster, from what I could hear....er...read. What do you do for a living? Are you in the entertainment industry?  Are you hoping to join the entertainment industry? If so, then you need to perfect a few more celebrity impressions before your act will be ready, perhaps some that are a little more current. Until that time, it is my sorrowful duty to inform you that, yes indeed, you are a nerd. Not a nerd in waiting but a fully developed nerd. I am sure I am not the first to inform you of this. Don't fret though. Undoubtedly there have been full blown nerds who went on to success in their chosen field. I can't really think of any right now though...

Fred Gwynne and I never dated or did anything else together for that matter. I don't know where these rumors get started.

*****

RUTH DARLING, 

I am worth a small fortune.....$497.....yeah, you got it.  So, of course, I spend my nights with the lights on.  My problem is that some of my so-called friends think they should share in my good fortune.  Can I be rich and still have friends?

XXXXX,

Stinkee Jones

Dear Stinkee Jones:

Of course you can be rich and still have friends!  Look at me for example. I am rich and I have literally hundreds of close friends. Of course, the trick is to have rich friends. Good Luck.

*****

Dear Ruth,

 I have found out the most HORRIBLE news! I was waiting with much anticipation for the fall VH1 season because my IDOl, Liza Minelli and her STUD husband , Mr. Gest were going to open their private world for all of us fans while they did their reality show.   Now it's been canceled!! What am I going to do?

 Frazzled in Fremont

Dear Frazzled in Fremont:

The story I heard was that David wanted to cancel the series because he felt it would take too much time away from their sex life. David apparently can not get enough of Liza in the bedroom. After all, they are newlyweds. Perhaps after they get over their honeymoon period, they will settle down and reconsider doing that show. I hope so. And perhaps the season opener will include Liza announcing that she's expecting. What wonderful news that would be!

*****

Dear Ruth,

I am having a terrible dilemma  Having been married yourself, I'm certain you will be able to provide me with the right advice. My soon to be 3rd ex husband, I'll call him, Jimmy Joe Jamil Jovanich IV, had divorce papers served to me during my monthly "Ladies Who Lunch" lunch.   I wasn't even aware that our marriage was in shambles.  This came as a complete and total shock to me.   Now, the ladies who lunch, were very sympathetic, and outraged, rightly so!   However, this isn't my problem. 

My dilemma is this - While being consoled by one of the ladies who lunch, I'll call her, MaryElizabeth Margaret Merriweather, of the Palm Beach Merriweathers, had a  foreign substance lodged in her right nostril.  When  I attempted to bring this to her attention, she informed me that it was in fact not a "Wad of Snot" as I had said, but rather the latest fashion trend  "Schnozzle Dazzle" straight from Milan!!! As if!   Have you heard of this new trend? If so, where can  I purchase it for myself?

Yours Truly,
The soon to be ex - Mrs. Jimmy Joe Jamil Jovanich, IV

Dear Soon To Be Ex Mrs. JJJJIV:

My goodness!!! No, I have not heard of any fashion accessory called Schnozzle Dazzle , and I was just in Milan last spring.  I can't imagine why you would want to wear an accessory that others might confuse for mucus. Listen to me  carefully. Do not attempt to put any kind of jewelry or ornamentation inside your nostril!  I don't care if Ms. Merriweathers of the Palm Beach Merriweathers or the entire Ladies Who Lunch club membership starts wearing them! Be your own person, a sensible person, a person who does NOT stick foreign objects up their nose even if all their gal pals are doing it. Good god. What are you? A toddler? Be independent!!! You have rid yourself of Jimmy Joe; now it's time to rid yourself of these horrid friends!

*****

Dear Ruth,

I was hoping that you could take a few moments out of your hectic schedule to list the top 10 reasons people love fish sticks and mac-n-cheese.

Ping "Ding" Ming

Dear Ping:

I am always happy to devote a few inches of my column to food matters. Most of my readers will be surprised to learn that I love fish sticks and macaroni and cheese. Yes, that right. Even someone as sophisticated as Ms. Wellington knows the joy of this eternally popular comfort food.

Top Ten Reasons People Love Fish sticks & Mac & Cheese

1.  It's cheap.
2. It warms the tummy on a crisp winter evening spent by the fire after a day of cross country        skiing in Lucerne.
3. Fish contains omega oils which are good for the heart and cheese is full of calcium!
4. Macaroni and cheese is very continental. It originated in Italy.
5. They remind us of childhood.
6. Fish sticks make a nice finger food when unexpected company arrives. 
7. You can play with fish sticks like Lincoln Logs and build yourself a fishstick cabin on your plate when you're bored. 
8. Fish sticks give us a good reason to eat ketchup. 
9. It goes quite well with a nice glass of Pinot Grigio.
10. Three words - crispy fried breading!

Monday morning NFL recap - week #12

Steelers: I had to leave for the airport before halftime to take Madison. Obviously I did not make those reservations, but thank goodness for electronic devices...which turned out to be a blog entry for later this week.

• It's interesting how teams can have such great days after such lousy ones. Yesterday wasn't Pittsburgh's, but it was Seattle's. Oh, well, happy birthday to Russell Wilson. Pfft.
• A really bad call by the refs on the push out of bounds on Seattle's Wilson. He was clearly in bounds, but the refs are focused on protecting the quarterback so the Steelers got flagged.
• The game went back and forth all night, but the Steelers gave Seattle three balls and they took advantage and scored on them. That's one thing the Steelers defense has yet to do.
• Pittsburgh's secondary just got creamed. That needs to be fixed.
• Richard Sherman did a good job against Antonio Brown, but Ben Roethlisberger did a good job at going to Martavis Bryant and Markus Wheaton in his place.
• More injuries on both sides of the benches. For the Steelers, losing tight end (and fantasy player) Heath Miller and linebacker Ryan Shazier killed them both offensively and defensively.
• With all of the concussions in this game, and in the games this week, I would say that the NFL has not taken care of that problem.
• I didn't play Ben or Markus Wheaton in my fantasy football. My bad.

Other:

• I was thinking how great Dallas' Tony Romo's looked after spending seven weeks rehabbing his shoulder. It was a fleeting thought because he re-injured that same shoulder after a hit in the third quarter and is now out for the season. Anyone else think that owner Jerry Jones sucks?
• And speaking of out for the season how many starting quarterbacks have lost playing time this year due to injury? So much for the "new rules" to protect them.
• Green Bay retired former quarterback Brett Favre's number 4 at Lambeau Field on Thanksgiving Day in the rain at halftime. While I was annoyed that Favre's retiring number was shown in its entirety (I had to watch Pittsburgh's Mean Joe Greene's retired number ceremony online), it was nice to see my friends' son, Packers President Mark Murphy, on TV. Murphy took over during the time of Favre's "retirement" and his father and I spent a good bit of time debating the issue. I miss those football talks with my buddy Murph.
• How many people caught Packer's quarterback Aaron Roger's dirty mouth when the snap was bad and he fumbled the ball?  He dropped the f bomb as clear and loudly as his play calls. Just another reason why the networks need to rethink where those mics go.
• Chip Kelly of the Eagles might soon be looking for another job. Maybe its time that college coaches rethink jumping into the NFL. I would think job security does have some advantages.
• And let's discuss little Johnny Manziel who didn't have much to be thankful for this holiday season since a video surfaced of him drinking in a night club over the bye week; a no no considering he has been in a rehab program. The Browns coach Mike Pettine demoted Manziel from starting quarterback to the third string quarterback. "....he still has to consistently demonstrate that he has gained a good understanding of what it takes to be successful at the quarterback position on this level," Pettine said. "It goes well beyond the field." Good for Pettine! Finally we have a coach that makes a stand and follows through. All teams and organizations saying enough is enough, stop the crap, man up, get help is what it will take to turn the NFL around. 
• Referring was not at its best  yesterday in several of the games. I truly think that the head ref in Tampa's game was impaired. The poor man could not get anything right in his announcing calls and replays or in making his own calls.
• Tight ends were the theme this week as one by one they left the field with injuries; Steelers Heath Miller, Seattle's Jimmy Graham, and Patriots Rob Gronkowski. So much for making the game safer. Hell of a job for these guys. I have a back issue myself and can't imagine living out the rest of my life with the aches and pains these football guys will have at my age. Not sure the money is worth it, but you can't tell young'ins anything.
• Wonder if Tom Brady, or whomever takes care of his Facebook page, is wishing he/she hadn't posted that photoshopped picture of him riding the Denver Bronco's mascot?

NFL picks - week #12

Last Week - 8 - 6

Overall - 83 - 80

Philadelphia over Detroit - Wow. The Eagles suck.

Carolina over Dallas - I didn't care that Romo was back. I went with Newton.

Green Bay over Chicago - I figured since it was a home game and one where Brett Favre was being honored that the Packers wouldn't have any problem. I was wrong.

Atlanta over Minnesota - I keep thinking that the Falcons of weeks 1-4 will appear again.

Cincinnati over St. Louis - The Bengals are too good to keep losing.

Oakland over Tennessee - I threw my hands up in the air to pick this one.

Tampa Bay over Indianapolis - Yeah, well, I keep thinking that Jameis Winston knows what he is doing. He has the rest of the team believing too.

Kansas City over Buffalo - The Bills could pull this one out. It's just too hard to tell with them. 

Jets over Miami - Snore. Oh, sorry. A toss up here. Both teams are banged up and fighting to squeeze into the playoff race, but can anyone spell boring?

Giants over Washington - Manning wins.

San Diego over Jacksonville - I mean, can Phillip Rivers and company really lose again? Are they throwing these games to get a new stadium?

New Orleans over Houston - I felt the underdog in this one. Mostly because I haven't really watched the Texans at all this year.

Arizona over San Francisco - Unless the Cardinals O.D.'ed on turkey, will anyone believe this game goes the other way?

Pittsburgh over Seattle - Let's be honest. I always pick my boys. No Marshawn Lynch? A bonus.

New England over Denver - No Brady vs. Manning? If the Patriots weren't undefeated, I think Brady wouldn't even care about this game. He only really enjoys spanking Manning. But there is that undefeated thing....

Cleveland over Baltimore - No Joe Flacco. No Johnny Manziel. Boy, this game is a sure winner for Monday Night Football ratings, huh? But then again, both teams have decent back up quarterbacks so who knows? I think the Browns have had more experience behind their back up then the Ravens had thus my pick.

Thank you Terri Irwin

In 2006 after Australian wildlife expert Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter, died I wrote about him on my blog.  For some reason I took his death hard. I spent a month weepy over the loss of him, and he wasn't even one of my idols. I didn't follow his show on a regular basis, but I could not get his death out of my mind.

"I'm not much of an animal person as anyone who knows me will tell you, but I loved watching Steve Irwin's love for them. When I awoke Monday morning to the article in our paper about his death I felt a sadness that has stayed with me all week. He was the most alive person that I have ever seen. Everything about him was real, and he didn't bother to hide his emotions or his joy in anything he did."

Every time I saw the man on television he made me happy with that infectious smile of his. I truly believed that what I saw of him on the box was how he was in real life. He just loved life and it showed. To have that kind of person removed from our world was just so sad to me. The fact that he left behind a wife and two children? That was heartbreaking too. I've tried to follow his family throughout the years, like a doting fairy godmother, and so when ABC announced that Bindi Irwin, Steve's daughter, was participating in this season's Dancing With The Stars I immediately set up my DVR. 

I love DWTS. Like Survivor, I love how the contestants feel so changed for the better after participating. I enjoy that most of the contestants become good friends. I am thrilled that my got-me-through-my-first-role-as-a-mother-host, Tom Bergeron, is on my screen weekly. I loved when Erin Andrews competed and believe her addition to the hosting duties makes the show. It is a show that I watched each season, but knowing that Bindi Irwin was on made this season more special.

The girl is SO much like her father. She lights up a room when she enters and has everybody in it smiling even if they were angry before her entrance. Her enthusiasm for life and everything in it reminds me of her father. I have cried countless times during her segments and laughed just as many. I feel so happy every time she is on the screen and am amazed at how competent and put together she is for the age of 17. She has come so far not just in this show, but in life. And suddenly I realized that while she has so much of her father's characteristics and outlooks her mother, Terri, has done one hell of a job.

If I were a real journalist who reached millions of readers, I would want to say exactly what I'm saying on this blog to the family and friends who read me. Kudos to Terri Irwin. She has raised two special people in her daughter Bindi and her son Robert. While everyone may think of Steve Irwin when they watch these two children it has been Terri who has been by their sides helping them become the teens they are today. She did that before and after the death of her beloved husband, and by golly, she deserves praise. These children are as much a part of her as they are her husband. Thank you Terri Irwin. Thank you for doing the job of great mothers everywhere and raising two beautiful, kind, loving, happy, exceptional children who have brought tons of joy to so many others. On my bucket list is to visit your zoo one day when I travel to Australia so that I may tell you that in person. You are my hero.

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

Look who is home!

So very thankful and grateful this holiday for my family gathered around the table and snug in my home and for many, many other things like our health, our ability to travel, our safety, and our freedom. I don't take any of it for granted.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with lots of savory dishes, a warm home, family, and football. Thanks for reading. I am grateful to all of you for doing so.

Out of the mouths of my babes

On Sunday I face-timed Madison to see if she had found a ride to the airport this coming Wednesday. (MY GIRL IS COMING HOME TODAY!!) Darcy and her friend Savanna were both in the room and they joined in too. During our conversation, Darcy piped up to ask her about a text she had sent Darcy.

Darcy: "You never sent me a picture about that pyramid scheme."

Me: "What pyramid scheme?"

Madison: "I got this weird call from some girl who told me I had signed up to learn more about some program. That is entirely possible as people come into our classes all the time giving us papers to sign up for programs and clubs and stuff. I was trying to get to class so I just quickly made an appointment to meet her in the student union at 1:40 pm. She told me there would be a table with folders and I was to find the folder with my name on it and come into the room to hear about the program. Well, I figured there would be food, and I felt guilty since I made the appointment so I went. But I couldn't find any program there. I talked to the guy at the student union, but he couldn't tell me anything. Then the girl called me again and by the time I found her she was sitting by herself at a table with one folder on it. I sat down and listened to her talk about this summer work program. She kept telling me how I would make all of this money. How I would be trained during spring break. She went on and on about business plans and work ethics and all sorts of stuff without telling me what it was all about. Finally I just asked her what kind of business and she said painting houses."

Me: "What? What the heck? Why did you listen to all of this? I'm telling you right now that you are coming home for the summer so don't go getting any other ideas."

Madison: "The job was for me to gather a team together to paint houses in North Carolina. I would write the business plan and be in charge of seeing that my crew painted these houses all summer. This girl said she made $20,000 but I might not make as much. I told her I wasn't a business major and that I lived in Florida. She offered to find me an apartment and then she made me read this booklet of all the plans and rules and stuff."

Me: "Oh, for heaven's sake, why didn't you just tell her you weren't interested?"

Madison: "Because I had walked all the way over to the student union to meet with her. It was funny. I wasn't going to do this. I thought when she handed me the packet to read that would be the end of it, but she told me that was her only copy so I had to sit there and read it. Then she told me I would have to interview for the job. That's how she ended it. I was suppose to email her two reasons why I wanted the job. I said okay, and left and didn't email her."

Darcy: "Excuse me, Madison, by how is that a pyramid scheme?"

Madison: "Because she got made money if I did this."

Darcy: "And how is that a pyramid scheme? There wasn't any building."

Savanna: "Darcy, you don't really think that they were building a pyramid like in cheerleading, did you?"

Darcy: "Uh, yes. Isn't that a pyramid scheme?"

After we finished laughing at her expense...

Madison: "I thought it was weird that you wanted a picture. I thought what picture? One of the folder with my name on it?"

Darcy: "Well, I wanted a picture of you on the bottom of the pyramid."

Madison: "Yep, and that's where I would be if I got hired by this girl."

10 month resolution check

The end is in sight (a year already?)  and I'm already thinking of my next resolutions. I suppose I should stop that and concentrate on this year's. Let's see how I've done.

1. To try something new (whether it be food, an activity, a class, etc.) every two months.- At first I didn't think I had done anything on this one, but I'm going to count my solo trip to see my daughter in college as something new. I planned the trip, flew alone, rented a car, and traveled to another state. That counts. Score: 5
2. To not be so defensive, and to not erupt with anger (yelling) when cornered.  - I have turned a corner with this one, I believe. While I'm not perfect I have done very well on this one. Just last night I realized that I was angry and cross when the real reason for being so was hunger and tiredness. I took deep breaths and tried really hard to rein in my yelling. I didn't succeed perfectly, but I did try.  Score: 10
3. To utilize those damn Wyndham points whether selling points or vacationing myself.  - Haven't sold any recently as people keep leaving it to the last minute, but I did take a trip and so did my brother so points were used. Score: 5
4. To lose the weight I put on last year and to get into shape for Europe.  - Well, Europe is over, but I have tried to lose the weight. I am on Weight Watchers currently, and while the pounds are not shedding as quickly as I'd like, I am eating healthier and exercising so dammit that counts. Score: 8
5. I suppose I should work on the language thing again since it seems to bother others. Hmmm...maybe I should voice it as working on the language thing because it isn't necessary as often as I use it. Yes, I like that. - I'm still doing well on this one. I am tutoring an elementary kid and she makes me put money in a jar every time I mess up. I'm only at a dollar. Score: 8
6. I also like changing up my wardrobe too. My closet is full of stuff I don't wear but once or twice a year and frankly, I'm bored with it all. But the weight has to come off and the body buffed before I can do that so maybe that should be next year's resolution. Hmmmm.... This isn't something that can be done every few months unless I'm rich and I'm not. So this one gets marked off as done.  Score: 10

Total Score: 46 out of 60 - Got to get to work on trying more new things. Maybe Kelly's secret Thanksgiving dish will count this week.

Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ms. Wellington,

I was "surfing the web" the other day and came across a "Nude celebrities"  website. Not being one that usually visits such sites, I was intrigued and decided to explore the website for just a few minutes. I was "surfing" and "hanging ten" when all of a sudden I came across a picture of who I believe is none other than your faithful assistant, Beecham Wintrot! I  never knew! Goodness, he seems to be quite "healthy"! I guess my question to you would be - Is it ever appropriate to wear brown shoes with a black belt?

Color-blind in Cleveland

Dear Color-Blind in Cleveland:

Oh, come on now! You can use all the quotation marks you want but you can't fool Ms. Wellington. I have explored the internet many dozens of times since getting my iMac last year (my nephew Teddy has been showing me how to use it! Thanks, Teddy!). I can say that I never once just "came across" a nudie web site.  And if I had, I certainly would not have been "intrigued" enough to go into the site. I get the feeling from your letter that you are not an innocent victim of innocent surfing.  None the less, Beecham has had to respond to this type of inquiry many times before. He agreed it would be prudent to explain the situation in the column, once and for all so that perhaps it will not be brought up again.  

You believe you saw Beecham on that web site. It's all a simple mistake. He told me the whole horrible story two years ago when I thought I saw a picture of him in the post office. He explained that the post office photo wasn't really him.  You see Beecham has a twin brother, Bram, who was separated at 4 months of age from Beecham and raised by a different family. It's a long story involving an interfaith teenage love affair, a carnival ride operator and a robbery at a full figure clothing outlet in Bismarck, North Dakota and I won't go into more details. Let it be said that Bram did not turn out as fine as Beecham did.  Bram has had trouble with the law, oh it's no secret, and has dabbled with drugs over the years. Beecham is not surprised to find him earning his living in a less than a dignified occupation. Not everyone can land the cushy post of personal assistant to a top website columnist like our dear Beecham has. The last time Beecham heard from Bram was 1993 and that was a phone call from the Knoxville city jail asking for $20.00.  Every time his brother does something illegal, the police come to question Beecham. Beecham has done all he can for Bram. For the sake of poor Beecham's nerves, let us never bring up this subject again.

As for your question about wearing brown shoes with a black belt, that is a question with many possible answers. Unfortunately, there isn't any more room in the column. Ta!

*****

Dear Ruth,

The other day my husband was trying to explain a plumbing problem to me. I was having trouble understanding his explanation of the plumbing problem and he called me an idiot. I am very upset by this statement. Don't you think that was a bit harsh, Ruth? Has any of your husbands every referred to you as an idiot?

Sincerely,
Not An Idiot

Dear Not An Idiot:

None of my husbands ever called me an idiot to my face. That is indeed harsh. Some of the things my former husbands have called me during the heat of the moment:
-selfish cow
-self-absorbed has-been
-evil enchantress
-babycakes
-lovertoes
-swamp witch (even I don't get this one)
-ruthless Ruth
-money-grubbing cold fish
-Kyle

Husbands can say mean things when we women don't understand their manly interests and pursuits. Plumbing is certainly one of those things that should only be taken care of by one's husband or a hired professional. I'll bet you don't know much about imported beers, professional football, stock prices or brake repairs either, but that doesn't make you an idiot. 

I'll bet you know something about style, home decorating, gardening, child-rearing, fashion, and shopping. Who's the real idiot? The one who doesn't understand water pipes or the one willing to go out in public with a turquoise tie, brown corduroy pants and a faded and stained yellow shirt? What would the men do without our intelligence on clothing matters? 

So, honey, my advice is to stop asking questions that you don't really need the answer to. Rely on him to do his husband thing and you do your thing. Does he treat you well other than that one little outburst? If so, then just punish him for his remark by going out with a girlfriend and spending lots of money on an outfit you'll probably only wear once. That'll teach him.
 

*****

Dear Readers:

Speaking of new outfits, I have just purchased one which I will be wearing at my ??th High School Reunion.  Ah, the memories of good ole Milburn Drysdale Preparatory School.   The year of my graduation our football team, the Drysdale Dukes, won the State Championship.  I cheered my hiney off at that game.  Later at the bonfire, I cozied up to the water boy who shared his flask of Southern Comfort with me.  That young, handsome water boy would nine months later become my first husband.  

While I did have a large group of very close friends in high school, some of my classmates did not particularly care for me.  Some claimed I was too attractive and too rich, some envied my superb gymnastics abilities, some felt that I worked too hard helping the community.  But that does not dampen my enthusiasm about seeing the old gang again.   Bygones are bygones.  I hope everyone shows up with a great big smile despite the fact that some of us may have gotten fatter, uglier, older and balder.  We can't all be as lucky as me. 

Because I am attending this reunion, there will be no new column for the week of October 21.  I am also urging all my regular readers to please continue to send in your letters seeking advice.  How can Ms. Wellington help you, if you don't ask?  Ta!

*****

Dear Ruth:

I have been wondering....how was your reunion?  Was your ex-husband there?  Did you two reconnect?  Were you the most famous person there?  Did you run into catty women?  I certainly hope you will "tell all".

A Florida Reader

Dear Florida Reader:

How kind of you to inquire about my long weekend at my high school reunion in the ole hometown. It certainly was an experience. I encourage all of you who have considered attending a reunion to do it at least once. It was a hoot!

My old, old, old friend Cameron Kerwinkle went with me. We flew into Smithville on the Friday before the reunion and were greeted at the airport by my sister Rose, who still lives in Smithville with her two cats. We stayed at the Newbury Inn in beautiful downtown Smithville, and immediately after unpacking, Cameron and I went down to the bar for a jangled-nerve-calming cocktail. I have to admit that we were both a little nervous about the reunion. It has, after all, been many years since I have seen my old classmates. 

Cameron and I were waiting for a friend of ours to arrive at the hotel and we passed the time discussing Cameron's newest mystery novel. It will be published in June 2003. I am so happy she gave up writing those raising-livestock-in-your-backyard guidebooks. Our friend Coutess d'Bujey finally arrived. She is really a very lovely person, but punctuality is not her strong suit. She had just flown in from Boston and had lots of stories to tell. We went out to dinner with Rose and had a few more cocktails before retiring for the night.

The next morning I got a message from my mother, Betty. Her driver James had brought her down to Smithville from the really quite posh retirement village of Sandinista Oaks in Lesterburg where she lives, and we had a lovely breakfast. I know what you're thinking. Ms. Wellington's mother could not possibly be old enough to live in a retirement village. I know, I know. But it is true.

We had to start readying ourselves for the reunion and thank goodness Beecham had reserved the hotel's largest suite. Each of the three of us had our own bedroom and bathroom. We did our hair and makeup and put on the new evening gowns that we had bought just for the occasion. I have to say we looked marvelous! We were giddy with anticipation and two hours of champagne-sipping.

Our reunion was held in one of the banquet rooms of the Newbury Inn. When we walked in a flood of memories washed over me. I recognized people almost immediately. There was Karla Wenchall who had married Hobarth Bing right out of high school, and they were still married and very happy. There was Rudy Nathan who now owns his landscaping business and sports a dramatic Van Dyke. There was Christine and Charlene Buchford, girls I had known since kindergarten but hadn't seen in many, many years. Robert Niggle sat next to me during dinner, and I remembered having a tiny crush on him during my freshman year. I spent quite some time teasing Brad Ike and his lovely wife about my beating him in the 9th-grade co-ed javelin toss tournament for charity. He good-naturedly took my ribbing. Oh, the names and faces and memories! There were far too many to tell you in this column.

As for my ex-husband, Duke, he was not at the reunion, but I did hear some stories and rumors about his activities since our divorce. From what I could gather, he owns and manages a restaurant out in Arizona, has remarried, and is now the grandfather of two beautiful girls. I am glad he settled down after all of these years. I have only the fondest memories of Duke, despite our divorce. He was kind, intelligent, funny, and as they say, "pretty to look at, lovely to hold". Aaah, Duke and I were just too different. Looking back on it now with my hysterical pregnancy scare, and Duke being from the wrong side of the tracks, I can see clearly that it could never have lasted long. Duke, if you are reading this, I still love you in some small way and wish you only the best.

No, there were not really any catty women there and if they were jealous they kept it to themselves. Of course, I was the most famous there.

Monday morning NFL recap - week #11

The Steelers had a bye week so I watched the Buccaneers and Eagles game and my Redzone Channel. I was doing really well on my picks in the first half and then things went the wrong way.
In fantasy I lost Devonte Freeman with a concussion, but did have Doug Martin who ran his little booty off. Ended the night watching the Bengals get beat which helps the Steelers. Not only that, but Andy Dalton and Larry Fitzgerald, nice catch in the end buddy, put me over my competitor to win in fantasy. And that was with one black spot and my kicker on a bye week. Obviously this isn't my pick year, but hello, fantasy football.

1. Fox dubbed this week of football as The Back-ups" due to the large amount of well, back up quarterbacks getting a start. Denver and Indianapolis squeaked by with a win, but the others didn't fair so well on their big days.
2. Five touchdowns was the magic number this week with Carolina's Cam Newton and Tampa's JameisWinston both throwing record tying five touchdowns. Let's hope Winston can keep his head in the game and his name out of the tabloids.
3. I was glad to hear the Fox pre-game guys discuss Peyton Manning with Terry Bradshaw telling Denver's new coach that he should be ashamed for trying to change Manning's style of play."I think Gary Kubiak when he came over should have looked at his guy and said, okay, let's run the offense this guy's been running. I don't think Kubiak was smart in forcing this offense on Peyton." Damn straight Terry. WTH? I blame John Elway. He's only your savior until it isn't working out for him. Manning should have talked to Tim Tebow before believing the crap that spilled from Elway's mouth when he courted Manning. 
4. Part of me wanted John Fox to beat Denver this week as a "stick it in your face" moment. Part of me wanted Denver's back up to have a loss. But the biggest part of me wanted the Broncos to win so that Manning can come back in and go out of the NFL with what he has been accustomed to for most of his career. He deserves that. 
5. Several games came down to the wire and the Redzone channel loves putting all of them on the screen in little boxes at the same time so that your eyes are jumping all over the television. Somehow during all of that confusion I missed Baltimore losing quarterback Joe Flacco who apparently tore some ligaments on his second to last play before kicker Justin Tucker came out to win the game. Add another back up to the roster next week.
6. What I did see in that same game was the Rams quarterback, back up QB Case Keenum, get tackled hard enough that the back of his head hit the turf like a hammer on a nail. He appeared very disoriented when he was helped back up onto his feet and quarterback Nick Foles immediately strapped on his helmet to come in and win the game. Instead Keenum remained in the game and fumbled the ball two plays later. What? Who was on that concussion watch? Somebody is getting fined or fired this week. I'm a novice when it comes to concussions, but even I could see that Keenum's eyes were crossed and his head fuzzy.
7. Dallas' quarterback Tony Romo returned this week from his collarbone injury, and while he wasn't perfect with two interceptions, he did well enough to win against the Dolphins and snap a seven game losing streak for the Cowboys.
8. Once again Tampa's running back Doug Martin had another crazy day ending with 235 rushing yards and giving me over twenty points in my fantasy league. He's like a tiny bullet whizzing through the crowd looking for his target. If only he had been able to make it into the end zone.
9. Have you ever watched the fans at these NFL games? I'm telling you right now these people are nuts. Surely I don't look like that in my living room. Cue Darcy rolling her eyes.
10. I thought Carolina giving Washington a safety with a minute left in the game was bizarre and didn't really get that everyone thought it was classy. Why wouldn't you run the ball out of the end zone and just fall down? Why is giving the other team two points classy?
11. I rolled my eyes all week long at the uproar of Cam Newton's dancing last week after making first downs and after scoring or throwing touchdowns against the Tennessee Titans. One Titan fan was so upset by Newton's dancing she wrote an open letter to him via the newspapers telling him so. As if the Titans have never done anything like that. Look lady, I've never liked the Titans since they stomped on the Steelers Terrible Towel during a game, going too far by wiping their asses with it. Talk about disrespect. If you want to whine about things, get a blog like me!

NFL Picks - week #11

Last week - 3 - 11

Overall - 75 - 72

Jacksonville over Tennessee - Nice to start the week off with a "W" in the win column after my losing debacle of picks last week. Whew.

Atlanta over Indianapolis - No Andrew Luck, but Hasselbeck has proven his worth earlier this year. I just think that the Falcons are better meshed. 

Denver over Chicago - No Peyton Manning this week, but I believe Denver's defense will step up and their offense will too just because they are loyal to PM.

Oakland over Detroit - I think the Raiders are better than the Lions.

Dallas over Miami - Tony Romo is back, but not really back as the shoulder isn't one hundred percent. Still this will lift the offense and pull them ahead of the Dolphins today.

Tampa Bay over Philadelphia - Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston is feeling his oats after last week and suddenly the rest of his team believes in him. He has stepped up as the leader, and I think he will ride that wave over the Eagles today.

Carolina over Washington - I know the Redskins went crazy last week and surprised all of us and that could very well happen again this week, but the undefeated Panthers are at home and that counts for a lot. The Panthers will most likely get beat, but I don't think it will be this week.

St. Louis over Baltimore - I really haven't seen the Ravens play since they beat the Steelers, but I have seen the Rams most weeks. They are a decent football team despite their record and the Ravens are just struggling.

Jets over Houston - I followed the line on this one since I haven't seen much of either of these two teams.

San Diego over Kansas City - The Chiefs always play well against the Broncos and they got Manning benched last week, but this week they will run into a Chargers offense that will be spot on under the leadership and strong arm of Phillip Rivers.

Minnesota over Green Bay - I watched the Packers just let their quarterback get beat up last week and it didn't give me much faith. I thought I was picking the underdog, but apparently the Packers are that this week. Hmmmm....

Seattle over 49ers - I don't even know who the quarterback is that backs up San Francisco's Colin Kaepernick who is now on injured reserve, and since I've never heard of this Blaine Gabbert I didn't have any faith going against the Seahawk defense.

Arizona over Cincinnati - The Bengals finally went down last week, and maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think they go down again this week. 

New England over Buffalo - Maybe Rex Ryan can bring down the champs, but I didn't feel it. 

You're where?

When my friend Jan's daughter began driving Jan would pull up the Find My Iphone App, plug in her daughter's username and password, and find out where her daughter was driving. She did this with her daughter's knowledge. It was the agreement they made when they bought her a car and let her drive off on her own. It was also done because her daughter had no idea where she was driving or going or coming from more than half the time. Her daughter would call her to ask for direction help and would have no idea where she was at that moment so Jan would pull up the app, see where her daughter was, and give the needed directions. Interesting.

Darcy: "What? That's an invasion of privacy."

After reading an article about phone security this summer, I realized that the author had a point when he suggested that all members of a family have each other's usernames and passwords for that very app as it could very well be a way to find a missing child. There were many helpful suggestions about why this was necessary, but the missing child one was enough for me. I made Madison give me her and her sister's information just in case especially since I thought it was a nice way to locate my off-to-college-daughter if need be.

One of the rules that I have with my other daughter, the one with the new driver's license and car, is that she needs to text me when she leaves and arrives at places so I know her plans and her schedules. This really hit home for both of us after her scary incident with a lecherous man at Dunkin Donuts before school one morning. Darcy is very good about texting me when she arrives at school each morning, but one morning I didn't hear from her. She did not respond when I texted her asking if she was at school. I started to panic and had her and her car in a ditch not far from my house bleeding and unconscious. I was working myself up to a frenzy when I remembered the app. I immediately pulled it up, typed out the needed information, and discovered that my daughter was at school. Safely. It was a huge relief.

I only used the app one other time and that was after I heard about a car wreck that was on her route to where she was traveling. I pulled up the app, typed in the information, and discovered she had arrived at her destination and all was well. Whew. I never told her about any of this because I didn't want to hear about the privacy issue again and have to argue my point of it all. I went with the what she doesn't know doesn't hurt either of us.

Last Saturday Darcy was gone all day. She had a choir practice for an upcoming event at school from 9:00 to 5:00 and in between those hours she had to leave the practice to go to work for three hours and then return to school to finish out the practice. She texted me when she arrived. She texted me when she left to go to work and when she got to work. She texted me when she arrived back at school. Her father and I were out and about together running errands when we decided to stop in at a restaurant for an early dinner. The place was a sports bar so Tom could see the Notre Dame game, something he is really into since visiting the school.

We were more than halfway done with our dinner when it occurred to me that Darcy would be expecting dinner when she got home. I mentioned this to Tom who asked me if I had heard from her recently, and I realized that I hadn't. I looked at my watch and saw that it was about time for her to depart the school. I made a comment about how she should be checking in with us and my husband told me to call her. Instead I told him all about the Find My Iphone app that I had used two times previously. For grins I suggested we use it again, and I pulled up her whereabouts.

The dot that shows where the phone is currently residing showed that she wasn't far from where I was eating dinner. Perplexed I pulled the map in closer and tried to pinpoint where the kid was and what she could be doing since the school was further done the road than where the dot was blinking. I was telling this to my husband and a part of me was horrified that my kid was off somewhere doing something without alerting me to the fact. I pride myself on my naivety that my daughter's are good kids, doing good things, and always telling me everything.

I thought perhaps I had done something wrong with the app and started over. This time when the blinking dot appeared it was almost literally on top of where I was currently sitting. I raised my eyes to my husband across the table and exclaimed that I didn't understand where she was or where she might be headed. My husband, who was facing the window, suddenly smiled and said, "She is planning on having something to eat right here in this restaurant." I turned around and sure enough there was my daughter and some choir kids getting out of her car outside the restaurant. Immediately, Tom and I felt very sneaky. We were in the back of the restaurant and decided that we would get in a position to observe her without her knowing. I planned on texting her to check to see if she would be honest. We were parents on the prowl.

Unfortunately, we raised a very observant girl because she spotted our car in the parking lot and marched into the restaurant and right over to our table just as the text hit my phone that she was grabbing a bite to eat at this very restaurant. We had a good laugh at the fact that we were both at the same place at the same time, but Tom and I had an even bigger laugh at the fact that we had known first. Because we invaded her privacy. ?

I use the "Because I'm the parent, that's why" excuse if I feel guilty. Or I plan to if I get caught.