I've spent my entire mommyhood protecting my children; from falling, from choking, from sickness, from other mean kids. I enrolled them in a small private school where I could pop in at any time if ever they needed me. When Madison started high school I wanted to walk her through the halls that first day to make sure she would be alright, but knowing that wasn't a possibility, knowing I had to let go so she could walk those halls on her own, I kissed her and sent her out to do so. Since then I've had to allow her more freedom, and each time I do, I feel a little more confident in her ability to handle herself.
She made the JV soccer team at school this year, but because the varsity team and the football team share the field, the JV team had to find a different location, and the coach transported the non-drivers in her van. The area isn't what I would consider the best area to leave young girls by themselves so I try to make sure that I arrive on time to pick her up each day. Trouble is the coach tends to end practice early on some days, and she doesn't wait around to make sure that each girl is picked up. When that happens Madison texts me to let me know, and I try to drop what I'm doing to rush to the practice arena.
This past week I got to the field right on time, after picking up Darcy from her school. I pulled into the lot to find the entire facility empty. No one was on the field. No one was playing basketball on the courts. The parklng lot was empty save for a lone compact car with a man sitting inside. My heart came up into my throat as I wheeled my vehicle through the lot talking aloud, "Where is she? Where is Madison?" I sent Darcy out of the car to look around, although I knew it was futile, while I dialed her cell phone number. It went straight to voice mail so I dialed again. It went right to voice mail, and I listened to her sweet voice tell me she was busy and to leave a message, at the same time Darcy reappeared at the car, her head shaking and her eyes starting to water.
"Where the hell is she?" I screamed. "Why isn't she answering her phone?" I wheeled out of the parking lot. "Who the hell is that guy just sitting in his car?" I was panicked. I was, seriously, crazed with fear. I pictured, in that moment while leaving the facility, all of the horrible things that could have happened, and I realized that I didn't even know where to begin to find her. I didn't have any numbers for the school or the coach. I didn't even know who to call at the school if I did have the number. I literally had no idea how to find my little girl. It was exactly the same feeling of hopelessness I had the time she wandered away from a group at the beach. I looked up one end of the beach and saw rows and rows of people. I looked up the other end of the beach and saw the same rows of strangers. How would I even begin to find her?
"We should go to the school," Darcy said. And so I headed that way. I also pick up Madison's carpool friend who is on the varsity team. Her coach, too, leaves her alone in a vacant area, and my thought was that I had to get to her too before she disappeared. I drove like a maniac down the road, frantically dialing Madison's number and listening to the same message. I was sobbing, tears running down my face, and as I hit a redlight I saw a police car coming up in the lane next to me. I almost put my car in park, jumped out and flagged him down. Only the thought that I didn't even know how to begin to tell him my fear stopped me from doing so. By then I had Darcy text another mother whose daughter was also on the JV team. We heard back from her as I pulled into the parking lot where I was to pick up the carpool friend.
"They are at the school field" the message read. "Scrimmaging the varsity team."
At the exact moment Darcy read this aloud, my phone rang. It was the carpool friend calling to tell me that Madison's cell phone was dead and that Madison was with her. It was now twenty minutes past our normal pick up time. I broke down again. When the two finally appeared in front of my car the relief was so great I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep.
When I was a kid my friend and I were playing outside in my yard. She lived across the street from me and for some reason or another she needed to go home for something. The street we lived on was a quiet, residential street, and she ran out into the road without looking. A car was coming and it almost hit her. It quickly braked, tires squealing, and the driver laid on his horn. This got the attention of my friend's mother who came running out of the house. I can remember her screaming. She tore out of her house and ran down the little hill in her front yard as my friend, scared, ran up the hill. The two met in the middle, her mother dropping to her knees and grabbing her in a fierce hug. They stayed that way several minutes in each others arms and then her mother stood up, began yelling, took her hand, and marched her in the house and spanked her. I can remember thinking how unfair a spanking was, yet somehow I also understood, because I had seen the look on that mother's face. I've never forgotten that moment in all these years.
That is the moment I felt when Madison appeared. I wanted to get out of my car and run to where she was walking toward me with her friend. I wanted to fall on my knees and hold her close. I wanted to never let her go. I also wanted to beat the hell out of her.
Instead I held it together as she apologized and got into the car. I yelled all the way home, dropped her off, and then drove the carpool friend home. I called my mother and cried and cried as I drove back home. Then I walked into my house and held my daughter. I did it again several times throughout the evening. We discussed what had happened, how to rectify it, and formulated a plan so it wouldn't happen again. We hugged some more.
I had a hard time functioning the next day. I was exhausted, as if I had run a marathon, and I spent most of the day in a daze. Every stranger I encountered seemed creepier for some reason. I was suspicious of everyone. By the day after that I was back to normal. I know that I should have kept more of a level head and thought about things before panicking, and I know that I still have to let Madison spread her wings. But I also know that I won't be the same. I'm just in a whole new phase of mommyhood. God help me.
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