Why I've been absent

Cancer has invaded our family. My SIL discovered a lump in her breast and after imaging tests and biopsies she started her chemo Monday. I can't get her out of my mind. I can't get my own breasts out of my mind. I'm constantly messing with them, doing what I should have done years ago in learning them like a blind woman. I had a mammogram four months ago and it was normal. But was it? When my SIL had her mammogram the cancer didn't show up due to density in her breast. I've been told my baseline mammogram, done before I was forty, is beautiful, clear and readable. But has that changed over time? I haven't seen a radiologist since that baseline mammogram. How do I know this expert is paying close attention. How many mammograms does a radiologist read in a day? We all get bored and miss stuff in our jobs.

I have been on the Internet as I always do. I have read about breast cancer. I have read about changes to the breast. I've even read about breasts after having a baby and after nursing. I found a blog of a twenty-six year old with the same type of cancer as my SIL. I've read her journey before, during, and after. I picture my SIL every day going through whatever appointment she has for the day, and I picture her in the coming months. We hear about cancer, but somehow in the back of our minds is that feeling that it won't happen to us. But it can. It does.

I've made an appointment to deal with my health issues. I had blood work taken and thought when they stuck me with the needle that this is now my SIL's life. Every day she goes in and every day she is poked and stuck as chemicals invade her body in the hopes that they will kill her tumor. Meanwhile life around her goes on while she fights. I had trouble with that while dealing with my mother and her ailments. Why did others get to vacation while I was dealing with doctors and ambulances and nursing home visits? I have trouble with it now being on the other end of things. How can I talk about my mundane life of school and kids while this is happening to people everywhere? How can I just write about silly stuff on my blog while my SIL visits doctors, sucks up chemo drugs, and spends considerable time in the bathroom?

I think of her often throughout the day. I've spent many, many years worried that the sky is falling. The death of my mother and this cancer has only increased those feelings. Yet life continues moving and there are children to deal with and college forms that need to be filled. There is an estate to settle and a house that doesn't clean itself. Mundane things for sure, but things that must be dealt with despite all the worries and ailments. My eldest daughter made me realize that I can't change some things in life. I can only deal with them as they come, and I might not deal with them the right way, but I always have a do over. So I'm done with my blogging break. I've got to get back up on the horse.

I'll go on writing about the silly things in life and the real things that are happening to me and to my family. I might have days where I'm absent, but if you bear with me I'll be back. This cancer isn't my story to tell. It belongs to my SIL if she chooses to share it. I'll just be behind her praying for her, cheering for her, and pushing her if she needs it. All the while blogging about life...