Solicitor Chit Chat

Years ago I forked over the dough and got my phone number on the Florida No-Call List which meant that if a solicitor called my number I could report the company and they would be fined.  This did not apply, however, to those companies with whom we did business such as TV Guide Magazine or our bank.  Apparently, my subscription has run out because we are now getting calls again from everybody and their brother.  Most of the calls are for my husband as his name is on most everything, but occasionally I get a call wanting me to apply for life insurance or take a survey on local radio stations.  Because I know these people are just doing their jobs I try to listen and communicate with them in a kind way.  Below are some of my responses.  Feel free to take them as your own.

• One moment please.  I just want to inform you that parts of this call will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance.  My husband wants to make sure that I am passing on his phone calls in a timely and accurate way, and my children like to make sure that I am using proper phone etiquette like I'm teaching them to so I've found recording these conversations and/or having my neighbor monitoring them is the way to go.  Who was it that you wished to speak with again?
• How am I?  Well, I am certainly better off today then I was the entire summer.  I have had 11 weeks of daily diarrhea that no one could explain to me.  I've lost 18 pounds, which was the positive in all of that, had a colonoscopy, an endoscopy, an ultrasound, and had my blood drawn numerous times.  Since yesterday I've had almost normal bowel movements.  They are still soft, thus the almost normal.  This might be due to the two medications I'm on for the next two weeks.  How are you?  I hope you are well.
  
• Have I thought about upping my life insurance?  Not as much as I've thought about upping my husband's life insurance policy.  I mean, he is older than I am and he does pay the bills so losing him is going to be way harder on me than losing me is going to be on him, if you know what I mean.  How much can I get on him?  Is there a cap on that?  Because I'm thinking a million isn't going to give me the lifestyle I want to become accustomed to.  Especially if I have to fork over some of that to the government.  Do I have to do that?  Is it like winning the lottery or money on a game show because I just don't see the point in going on a show and only winning a million because the government is going to snap up half of that.  I'd blow that half a mil in a few months.  I'll need more in life insurance to live on.
  
• Have I thought about upping my life insurance?  Hell no!  That just gives my husband more motivation to kill me.  If he thought he could reap tons of cash with me out of the picture, my days will be numbered.  But, hey, how about we up his life insurance?
  
• I would love to take your survey on movies in the theater, but I don't think I'm the type of person the company is looking for.  I don't get out much.  Especially in the last few months.  I've had 11 weeks of diarrhea....and so sitting in a movie theater isn't really something I thought I should do.
  
• No, I do not verify anything personal over the phone.  No, I will not verify my address that falls under the personal category.  Yes, I'm aware that is all you need, but I'm aware that schemers and scammers are everywhere in the land of the phone.  They are poised to capture my voice verifying certain innocent requests so that they can take my voice prints and use them for evil.  Next thing I know my identity is gone and I'm naked on youtube and my bank account has been wiped clean.  If you are interested in me joining your club, sending you money, giving something a trial run then you can mail me the information and I will look it over, but I won't okay to do that over the phone.  What?  You need my address to mail me the stuff.  Looks like we have reached an impasse.  
• Please let me educate you on the comings and goings of my husband.  First of all, he works outside of the home so reaching him during normal business hours is never going to happen.  Rest assured that if he should have a day off he isn't spending it at home and even if he were he would not spend his free time talking on the phone.  Secondly, I haven't a clue when is the best time to reach him.  The man comes and goes willy nilly usually without informing me.  Half the time I think he is in his home office only to find out that he left an hour ago and is off swimming laps.  The best time for me to reach him is in the thirty seconds before he falls asleep for the night.  Thirdly, you are wasting your time.  He will not buy anything, take a survey, or listen to what you have to say if you do reach him by phone.  He talks all day long on a phone and thinks he shouldn't have to do that at home.  If he is standing by the home phone and it rings, he doesn't even hear it.  You are seriously better off talking to me.