Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth:

I am an absolutely gorgeous middle aged sex-pot.  That of course, is not my problem.  My moral dilemma is my friend "Lolly".  Lolly has entered the local pickle making contest and her pickles are absolute kerosene cucumbers.  Should I spare her the humiliation of being known around town as a horrible cook or should I let her know?  What to do?

-----Suzy Rollerblade

Dear Miss Rollerblade:

My first clue toward the perfect answer to your question was in the way you described yourself in the first line.  Telling, my dear, very telling.  If this Lolly is indeed a good friend of yours, you must be honest with her.  In more ways than one.  You could say to her that her pickles are not to your taste.  But ask yourself:  Do others find the pickles tasty ?  Has she won any blue ribbons?  Do you find a subconscious joy in the prospect that she may be publicly humiliated?  Has she even asked you for your advice?  Perhaps it is just your intense jealousy over Lolly's shapely figure, porcelain complexion and way with the men folk that has truly left the bad taste in your mouth, not her pickles.  You might want to be truthful with her about this festering envy.  And do seek some professional help!

*****

Confidential to Stressed in Seattle/Meso Horne:
In answer to your first question: I know you recognize that soft white firm valley of loveliness. You've been there.

As for your second question, stay out of that bed, pick up what you may have left behind and seek professional medical advice! This is far out of Ms. Wellington's area of expertise.

*****

 

Dearest Ruth: 

I love the mink.  You look fab!

When I was talking to a friend the other day, he got mad because I said he was self-centered and he hung up on me.  It has been two weeks since this happened and it appears both of us are too stubborn to pick up the phone.  What’s the post hang up etiquette?  It seems to me that he should be the one apologizing.  What do you say, dear Ruth?

-----(Not So Scary) Mary

Dear Not So Scary Mary:

Perhaps he hung up as he was overcome by a band of home invaders, knocked unconscious and robbed of all his worldly possessions.  You have not heard from him since?  You call yourself a friend?  I suggest you start dialing right now.

But that probably didn't happen so.... start dialing anyway since you were apparently the one to give out the insult.  It is incumbent upon you to initiate the "make-up" phone call.  Yes, he did hang up on you.  That could be due to shock at your comment and that he is indeed self-centered.  Whatever the reason, you must swallow your pride and call him back, if you hope to keep him as a friend.

One thing to consider though: if he is so self-centered that you felt the need to tell him on the phone, he may be someone you don't necessarily need as a friend.  Only you can determine how important a friend he is.

*****

Dear Ruth,

I tried to ask you a question at the Jim Varney Film Festival in Spokane, Washington last week, but I was pushed away by a throng of 12 year olds with hot buttered popcorn. I can only assume that they were your bodyguards. Anyway, what I wanted to know was how does someone like myself-a Hollywood "Y-list star" become like you, a Hollywood "M List star"? Is there hope for me?

-----Star-struck in Lake Cour d'laine, ID

P.S. I love your book on animal husbandry

Dear Star Struck:

I think perhaps something else heavy may have struck you, my dear.  I was not at the Jim Varney Film Festival in Spokane, Washington last week or any week.  That is not to say that I have not enjoyed the comedy styling of Mr Varney from time to time.  I loved him in those ice cream commercials, and I have to admit that "Ernest Go To Jail" is a guilty pleasure of mine.  I was sad to hear of his passing and he will be missed.

I was curious as to which star you may have seen and mistaken for me.  I certainly am no star.  I am just a simple girl born and raised in the Bible belt who managed to make a few good marriages (and a few bad ones). I contacted what few celebrities I do know personally and discovered that it was not me you spied.  It was Debbie Reynolds!  She's a big Varney supporter and those "bodyguards" you saw were in fact a local troop of Cub Scouts. Debbie was treating the whole troop to the movies.

I don't even have a bodyguard.  When I do venture out into public places I am generally accompanied by my personal assistant, Beecham Wintrot, or my husband. If you still interested in upping your star status, you may write to Ms. Reynolds at her email address: www.i'mstillhere@mgm.com  Thanks for writing!

*****

Ms. Ruth,

I just want to tell you that I think you are the bomb, the babe, and obviously the crème de le crème of the Largo social circle.  Who does your hair?  Who does your make-up?  Who does your plastic surgery??  Inquiring minds want to know.....

-----Sincerely,
      President of the Tracker Fan Club, Largo Chapter

Dear Fan Club President:

Thank you for writing and thank you for the kind words. To answer your questions, in order:

1. Who does my hair?  Lots of people have.  From Mama when I was little, to Supercuts when life had put me on the skids to Ivannoel Salon in Chicago.  I even put myself in Jose Eber's hands at one time (a good story for another time).  Nowadays I rely on Jorge Luis, my personal hairdresser, to whip my hair into classic do's.
2. Who does my make-up?  I do!
3. Who does my plastic surgery?  I haven't had any, but if you write me confidentially, I can give you the name of a close friend's surgeon.
4. P.S.  What is a Tracker??