It isn't always easy but I try

Depression. For me, it hits at the most inopportune time. As if there is a good time for it to appear? Ugh. Of course, not. For years, my mother stressed the family connection. Watch for it, she told us, and I worried that I would be caught in its swirling cycle, tugging me toward hiding under the covers of my bed. Or under the bed. I've had moments. Those down in the dumps, cry for no reason moments, but I've always been able to get out of bed.

I never know when it will hit me. It just does. There doesn't seem to be a trigger. If there is, I have yet to discover it. It just is suddenly there, and I either go with it, or I work to control it. Other times I let it grab me in its grip and succumb. It isn't ideal, and lately, harder to climb out of it. But thus far, I do.

I spend a lot of time in my head. Worrying. About this and that. Going over the whys and whats. Nights are the worse. Lying in bed, my head turns on and I toss and turn and sleep is elusive. A huge check mark for me. No sleep. It is how I started writing scenes in my head at an earlier age. To stave off the worrying so that I could sleep. Whatever works.

Lately, it's been avoiding the news. I use to read the paper in the morning with breakfast, but I realized it wasn't the best way to start out my day. Especially now. I sometimes read it during lunch after my mind has been active, but I don't anymore in the morning. Better to start off the day on the positive.

I've had therapy. Gone to talk my issues through with someone who specializes in helping others. I've learned to see some things from a different perspective that have helped me deal. I've been given fabulous coping mechanisms that I use. I'm not chronic. I just have these moments, and I recognize that. I've worked to manage it. 

Sometimes I don't even know that it has struck until it is too late. Late, meaning I've done things or said things that can't be taken back all because I'm lost and desperate to be found. It's like the lyrics of Jason Kadison song Invisible Man.

Woke up this morning with a funny feeling,

Wasn't really sure what it was all about.

But it felt like I was disappearing,

So I ran to the mirror to check it out.

I said, "Here I am, here I am, here I am

But why do I feel like I'm the invisible man?

Of course, then that behavior brings me further down. I feel sorry for myself. Then I go into my head and begin the reasoning of the whys and whats and suddenly the cycle begins turning faster, and I'm lost. Last week was a doozy. There was a blip, and I worried. From that worry, I went into the past and the worries I harbor there and it spiraled. I argued with others. I hated myself, and who I was, and all that I believed I was, and eventually, it broke me as it usually does. I sobbed. I cried. I reached out to those who love me, and I got through it.

Not everyone does. We recently heard news of a suicide, the second one in six months. Relatives of people we know and care about. I agonize for them. If you haven't lived it, or known someone who feels this despair, it is hard to understand. But for those of us who fight it whether daily or occasionally or those who know others who share our sadness, it is real and not always explainable. I hurt so much for those left behind. I hurt for those who feel this is the only way out. 

My new way of fighting my own demons is to surround myself with family and friends who respect me, who listen, who treat me the way that I hope I treat others. Love. Kindness. Peace. I'm working to get the sleep I need. I'm trying to put the past behind me even if I don't understand it. I'm willing to reach out if I need to, and I'm willing to help others. Whether it is easy or not.

Please know that if you are hurting, I am here to listen. To offer a hug or to help you find whatever else you may need. Together we can work to break through the invisibility, to be seen, to be heard, and to be helped. Hugs to all of you.