10 Hump Day questions running rampant in my head

1. Can I practice law on the sly without a license? My binge watching The Good Wife on Netflix has made me an expert in my mind. An article in our paper this week had me wanting to pick up the phone to represent the guy who was arrested. I think he has a good case innocent or guilty.
2. Should I continue to buy CD's or should I give that up? I have a player in my van, but I also have the capability to plug in my Apple devices to listen to digital soundtracks. Of course, my Iphone doesn't have enough storage to even be able to play songs...
3. Do I need to know how to read music if I want to learn to play the drums? Something tells me the answer to that is yes, but then again maybe I'm one of those people with an ear for music...
4. Why can't I get paperwork done on time? I need to make office hours for myself at least once a week to get birthday cards and other paperwork out on time. I even have thank you notes I haven't sent out from August! My mother taught me better than this...
5. If you have a secret meeting with the pope and then discuss it, doesn't that defeat the purpose of a "secret" meeting? This nonsense just reiterates my belief that this Kentucky woman is not to be trusted. Psst...a secret...
6. Does my dog understand every word I say to him? He certainly seems to as he has various facial changes depending on what I'm saying. The cocking of the head is just something he does because he knows it is cute, but when he glances at me sideways with that I-know-what-you-are-saying-you-know look I really believe...
7. Do my new neighbors not cut their shrubs between our yards because they are hoping a growth will keep me from being nosy? That can't believe that growth looks good. And it is obstructing my view of their yard and back porch. I mean, I can't see in!
8. If I throw something out that I haven't used in months or years, will I immediately need it? I'm thinking this might be a New Year's Resolution for next year as I have accumulated WAY too much stuff, but I'm worried that someday I just might need that leather bracelet I bought on vacation somewhere and have never worn.
9. Should I mold the new guy at school or just give up? A new administrator is making my life difficult because I don't know what he wants, and I suspect he doesn't know what he wants from us, but seriously we can't keep going on like this or I'll be insane...
10. What are my dreams telling me? Seriously I dream about the coolest things;; new television show ideas, inventions, reminders of things I haven't thought of in days. I'm wondering if maybe I see the future...

Worst grade I've had in years

When I finished drafting my fantasy football team, and understand that I hand NO idea what I was doing other than picking guys I believe in, immediately the site gave me a grade of a D+. On the right hand side I had to look at this gigantic red D+ every time I loaded my page. If I clicked on it I went to a page that gave me a run down on everything I did wrong in picking the players that I picked. Other than not selecting a kicker or a defense (I have since rectified that) I didn't think my choice of players was terrible.

I feel I know football. I know which players are good and which ones might be good and which ones to stay away from. I feel I'm a good judge when it comes to the NFL. I know stats and players and coaches names. I can go into a sports restaurant and name most of the players covering the walls even if they played ten, twenty years ago. Why players names come to me when the list of items Madison needs me to send her can't is beyond me. I just like football.

Seeing that damn D+ really annoyed me. My report card said, "Well, a bad draft position led to an even worse draft. Picking seventh overall, Cara's Team is projected to land in 10th place in Yahoo...League with a record of 1-13-0 (14,000 points)". What were they basing that on? How can they know that? So I read on and under a title "Good Luck With That One" in bold lettering it said, "Cara's Team will have some intriguing decisions to make each week at WR, with a narrow projected points difference between their third (Larry Fitzgerald), fourth (Pierre Garcon), and fifth-ranked (Mike Wallace) wideouts."

Every other player in my league received a B or a B+ except one other person who was graded a C. Heck, even during the selection process when I didn't really understand what was happening some yokel typed in some derogatory comment that I was sure was directed at me. Okay, people, whatever, I didn't realize that when I hit the JOIN button I was seriously joining at that very moment and would never be able to get out of it. How about a little friendly compassion?

Then football started and they paired me against another person in the league on some side bet thing that I still don't really understand with a prediction of a huge loss. Other than my quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, I didn't score so well and that D+ continued to haunt me. By week two I figured out how to change out my players. I knew how to play certain ones and how to bench others. I felt very secure in my team for week two when the games started despite another terrible prediction and a predicted score of 60 something.

Boy, did that letter grader have to eat his words after week two. Not only did I score 113.46 points for the week, but I took first place in my league. My third pick of Larry Fitzgerald who everyone thought was too old and too weak and too slow scored three touchdowns and netted me my second highest score of the day at 29.20. Suddenly now the tune had changed. "cmkerwin Team (I changed my name too) put on a show in this matchup, registering the highest point total this week to demolish Sierra's Team 113.45 to 57.72. This was a legendary rout, with the 55.74 point margin of victory being the highest recorded in the league this season."

Suck it teacher with the red text color keyboard!

Of course, now I've lost Ben for six weeks or more so I'm not getting cocky, but still I think my team is better than a D+. We are going to be the little team that sneaks right up the ladder, just like the Steelers with our back-up quarterback Michael Vick! And next year I'll play in the DraftsKing! (Kidding!)

NFL Monday recap - week #3

Steelers:

Burn, baby, burn - As the Rams ran out of the tunnel during introduction, pyrotechnics were set off in celebration and the plastic turf at Edward Jones Dome caught on fire near the end zone. Groundskeepers attempted vacuuming the turf, but when the little plastic burnt pieces proved too hard to suck up the teams were sent back to the locker rooms and mops were used to scrub the field. The whole incident caused a delay of game for over twenty minutes. Twitter, however, "lit" up with comments, jokes, and humorous videos all very entertaining.

Not sure it was ready for prime time - The shop vac that the Rams pulled out to use on the field fire ashes looked like it had caught on fire several times in the past. It certainly was not aesthetically pleasing, and as we watched, not very effective either.

Pay close attention - As my buddy and I got comfortable on the couch to watch the start of the game, he began spouting off of about our great offense, predicting a score of 30 points. I shook my head, told him that he, the media, and the analysts were getting too damn cocky for week three, and then, then I said, "What we need to be concentrating on is not getting hurt." And then a cold premonition slowly crept over my body. As usual when I speak about football, my buddy ignored that and kept on adding up points. Halfway through the third quarter Ben Roethlisberger was hit low on a tackle, retreated to the locker room, and never returned.

Tweet, tweet - I immediately turned to social media after Ben was carted off the field knowing I would get updates there faster than on TV. Between Steelers fans and my buddy the negativity made me crazy. We knew nothing; yes, Ben's face said it all on the cart, but seriously? Where was the faith in the rest of the team? Great teams step up to the plate, push out the the what ifs, and win. It's week 3 people!

Not happening on our watch - And that is exactly what the Steelers defense did. They pushed aside the thought of losing their quarterback and stayed focused on keeping the Rams offense out of the end zone. Another huge day by these guys, and I couldn't be more proud.

One job, one job - The offensive line owes Ben big time. Their job is to protect the quarterback, and while no line is going to protect a hundred percent, they let the Rams defenders sack Ben on the play right before the play where he got hurt.

Ring the Bell - The long anticipated return of running back Le'Veon Bell did not disappoint Steelers fans. Thirty-nine yards receiving, thirty-four yards rushing, and a most needed touchdown. For me, it was good, but it wasn't De'Angelo Williams great. Plus, his Antonio Brown copycat leap over two Rams defenders in the first half was just plain unnecessary and more a product of his ego instead of his brain. He's lucky he didn't end up in the locker room next to Ben.

V is for Vick - I saw back up quarterback Michael Vick being interviewed on ESPN after the game in the locker room. He was very solemn and said that he hated to see Ben hurt, but in the next instant he had to put that feeling aside, pick up his helmet, and get into a different mode to replace him because that is his job. Yes, Michael! That's what I'm talking about. Fist bump.

Say it ain't so Ben - A sprained MCL. A bruised bone. Out for six weeks at least.  I'm sorry for him. I hate when any player gets hurt. The downside to football. Worse when it happens to your quarterback and to your team. As usual, the Steelers have the hardest schedule in the league and now the guys are really going to have to step up.

Other -

More money than sense - Warren Buffet was on the Miami Dolphins sideline during the Miami/Buffalo game wearing Ndamukong Suh's jersey over shoulder pads. Let's just say that aqua is not a good color on the multi-billionaire and he should stay away from shoulder accents.

Fly Ravens, fly - 0 and 3? Couldn't happen to a nicer coach. Hey, that's what Patriots owner Robert Kraft implied. The game was back and forth with the Bengals in the lead, then the Ravens in the lead, then the Bengals, and so on and so on. Ravens Steve Smith had to have oxygen on the sidelines it was so crazy. Downside is we play them on Thursday night, without our quarterback.

Take this - Jets Brandon Marshall, who earlier in the week whined about how no one recognizes how wonderful he is as a wide receiver, caught a pass, ran, got tackled and, while he was going down to the turf, flipped the ball directly at Eagles Connor Barwin's head in an attempt to make a lateral to his own player who was to the right and behind Barwin. The ball bounced off Barwin's helmet and was scooped up by the Eagles who then scored two plays later. Psst Marshall, you're a receiver not a quarterback.

Oh, what a relief it is - I enjoyed Colts quarterback Andrew Luck (although, seriously, that beard drives me insane) post game conference. The man sighed and sighed and smiled and smiled. Got the monkey off his back despite two interceptions. "Not even going to think about losing," he said almost talking about what ifs.

When in doubt rearrange

Last night my friend Kelly made a comment regarding my love for changing things up in my house, although it might have been said with some disdain. It went along the lines of me asking her why she didn't get some object out of the drawer while I was in the shower instead of waiting for me to finish to get it. Her reply was, "I don't know where things are in this house. You're always rearranging things. I can't keep it all straight."

Yes, it was said with disdain and some sarcasm now that I'm looking back on it, but then again the people I live with are always saying the same thing in that very same tone. You'd think that every day they come home they find the rooms have been switched up and what was once Darcy's bedroom is now the kitchen. Please. Every once in awhile I changed things up for variously different reasons and always for the better.

Darcy: "Better for who?"
Me: "Better for whom?"
Darcy: "Not me, that's for sure."

I've always been a change it up for the better kind of gal. In our house growing up our bedrooms were our own domains. We could for the most part do whatever we wanted in our room as long as they were kept clean and tidy. Every six months or so I would move around the furniture for a change in my feng shui as my mood shifted. In between those times I would switch out drawers and rearrange the items in my closet. It was like spring cleaning every three months instead of once a year. My space needed some freshening up just like my life did. I wasn't able to do the same with the rest of the house as it was my mother's domain, but I use to do so in my head.

When I moved to Florida and shared an apartment with my friend Kim I did the same with all of the rooms there except for her bedroom and bathroom. Every few months or so Kim would come home from work to find the living room rearranged, and while it might have bothered her or driven her crazy she usually just shrugged, making a comment every so often about how she had sat down on the bookshelf because that is where the couch use to be. For the most part she let me be, and I happily matched our rooms to my moods or the season or just because.

When I got married and moved into Tom's house I didn't have to do much changing up because I helped him fix up the house after he bought it and we decorated it together. But slowly as time went by and I went from a working woman outside of the home to a SAHM, I got bored with some areas of the house and moved things around to test it. Unlike Kim my family didn't respond as well. Madison, who resists change of any kind, hated it. Darcy always questioned why and Tom would get annoyed when he couldn't find an item that he hadn't bothered to use in years, but that when he had used it it had been in this one place. I ignored all of the whining because the house was my domain. I cleaned it therefore I owned it. Eventually the girls got old enough to bar me from their rooms, although Darcy has shown some signs of inheriting my obsession.

When Madison went off to college I handled it well because I kept rearranging her bedroom in my mind. Unfortunately, she knows me well and made me promise to leave well enough alone, and except for a minor change and a major cleaning job, I have complied. Their bathroom, on the other hand, was not part of the deal.

Two years ago I changed their bathroom. Two years! That's like a lifetime ago. Since Madison has been gone and Darcy showers at the pool every day I have been using that bathroom more. I shower there after the gym and I use the toilet there frequently throughout the day because it is closer than my own bathroom a mere ten steps away. Using that bathroom has made me look at it closer than normal and I started noticing how the rug was stained and how drab the room looked. I decided I would spruce it up some maybe do a holiday theme for Halloween and then Christmas. When my friend needed to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond I happily followed.

Since I was there in the store I went over to the shower curtains just to see. I spied a shower curtain with birds, something the old shower curtain had, and this bird curtain would match the blues I had in the bathroom and would match the gold of the walls. I put it in my shopping cart just to look at it while I wandered the store, and low and behold, my friend found a rug on clearance that would change the colors, make them pop. So I purchased them along with some towels.

I went home and thoroughly cleaned the bathroom. My husband came home for lunch and noticed me taking down the shower curtain. He inquired if I was going to wash it, and since I was before stuffing it into a closet, I said yes. He left. I decorated. I pulled out the pinks of the curtain and paired it with the blues I already had. The bathroom certainly brightened. I even got to leave up Madison's bird work as it too had pink in it.

A small change, but it made me happy. It livened up my house and it livened up my mood. Needless to say no one else followed that train of thought.

Darcy: "What was wrong with the old way?"
Sydney: "It sure is pink."
Kelly: "I rest my case."

In the meantime there was another rug on clearance that I think I'll buy too just for a time down the road...

NFL picks - week #3

Last Week - 5-11

Overall - 13-20

Yee-Gads! I have never started out this bad in my picks. I've never had more losses than wins. I blame this fantasy thing. Which I kicked butt in last week and was the overall winner in my league! But....gotta put more effort into these picks to recoup my score.

Giants over Redskins - Nice to start with a win for a change!

Cleveland over Oakland - Yes, the Raiders did well last week (thanks guys!) against the Ravens, but so did Cleveland.

Atlanta over Dallas - Dallas has a back-up quarterback without much piazza starting and Atlanta has Matt Ryan. Can the Falcons pull out the win in the stadium that Jerry built? I think so?

Tennessee over Indianapolis  - (Grimace) My thought on this one was that at some points the Colts have got to win, right? But then the Titans are at home and they didn't play so well last week and so I changed my mind and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have. Should be a good game.

Pittsburgh over St. Louis - I didn't play the Steelers defense last week in my fantasy football and they rocked! This week my one on one fantasy competition has the Rams defense. Dum da dum da dum! But this isn't fantasy. And my defense had better keep up that level of play if they want to continue winning. But Le'Veon Bell is back this week and he has a lot of ground to make-up to prove he is more deserving than his replacement.

San Diego over Minnesota - Philip Rivers is too good. He has got to rally his team behind him or the city just might toss the Chargers out on their ears instead of fighting to keep them in San Diego.

New England over Jacksonville - The Jags looked fresh with their young team last week, but this week they are going up against cheaters experience. Best thing to do is take notes and learn.

Jets over Philadelphia - At some point the Eagles have got to win, but they seem discombobulated right now. Actually they seem like the Jets a year ago and the Jets seem like the Eagles. Whoa! How cra-cra is that?

Carolina over New Orleans - Who doesn't want to see Cam Newton doing some more gymnastic moves into the end zone this week? Now that's a way to fire up your team going into a division match-up.

Baltimore over Cincinnati - Who would have thought the Ravens would be in the bottom of the AFC North? Not I. But then I didn't think Cincinnati would be back on top of the leader board either. This week I just don't see Ravens not getting a win especially while at home. But wouldn't it be something if they didn't?

Tampa Bay over Houston - I know. I'm a sucker for the underdog. And win or lose, Super Bowl rings or not, the Bucs have always been and always will seem to be the underdogs.

Arizona over San Francisco - Terry Bradshaw isn't impressed with the 49ers and so far I'm not either.

Buffalo over Miami - Rex Ryan's anger from last week will push this team to a win this week. Because the Bills don't want that anger to carry over this next week.

Seattle over Chicago - At some point the Seahawks, like the Colts, have to have W in that column, right?

Denver over Detroit - The Broncos have eeked it out the last two weeks, but maybe this week Coach Kubiak realizes Manning is better calling the shots than he is and lets him go wild.

Kansas City over Green Bay - Hey, I didn't say I would get them ALL right this week.

Out of the mouths of babes

In my duties as Nanny Cara several days a week I also agreed to help out on Friday night this past week while the kids' dad set up for a Lego Convention. Since Friday night is my weekly TV night, and since the new fall season hadn't started yet, Kelly came over for game night instead. Darcy and her friend rounded out the table and we divided into teams for Disney Trivial Pursuit (which is quite difficult by the way).

Question: "What year did Beauty and the Beast debut? 1989? 1991? or 1993?"

Kelly, Alex, and I were on a team against Darcy, Feifei, and Sydney (and later Tom). We were given this question and we hunkered together to try to get the right answer. I was rambling on about the Little Mermaid, which had nothing to do with the question, but it did in my mind where I was rationalizing a time frame. Kelly was working dates out loud, and I was counter working with her when Alex finally had had enough.

Alex: "Okay! Okay! Let's think about this. It obviously can't be the first date. It has to be one of the other two."

Me: "Why is that?"

Alex: "Because 1989 was a long time ago like back in the Mickey Mouse era so it can't be that one!"

Monday NFL recap - week #2

I got to see several different games yesterday since I was at my buddy's house for Steelers Sunday. He pays the big bucks for the football package, and for in exchange for some grub, I get to reap the rewards with him. I also will say that I KICKED BUTT IN FANTASY FOOTBALL too. Not so much in my picks, however...

Steelers:

• Penalties - For the first ten minutes I thought the Steelers were going to rack up 100 10 penalties before they could even get to their own end of the field. After the first possession as Captain Ben Roethlisberger ran off the field, I piped up and told him he needed to get on the sideline and get his men in order. He must have heard me. Or maybe the men heard me. Either way they pulled it together and kicked it all into high gear. 
• Defense - Where were these guys last week? Either they were asleep against the Patriots or they learned from their experience, but the defense this week was on fire. They had five sacks and had 49er's quarterback Colin Kaepernick so discombobulated he didn't know which way to turn, or throw, or run. 
• Ryan Shazier - The Steelers linebacker was a beast yesterday involved in almost every play racking up 15 tackles and looking like Troy Polamalu. The downside? He was injured in the fourth quarter with a hit to the shoulder.
• Offense - Big Ben and company were determined to prove what everyone had been saying about them before the season started and they delivered. Ben tied Bradshaw's career wins record (107), throwing 369 yards, 21-27 and three touchdowns. Wide receiver Antonio Brown continued his streak of games with over 50 yards snatching nine passes for 195 yards and scoring two touchdowns. Tight end Heath Miller got in on the action with a touchdown as did several other players. The two suspended players had better straighten themselves out if they want their jobs back.
• Going for two - This year the league backed up the PAT line because too many kickers were making the extra point. (Insert emoticon rollings its eyes) Now kickers have to score from the 15 yard line instead of the 2 yard line. The rule change had the big wigs hoping that more teams might take more chances with the two point conversion and the Steelers didn't disappoint. They became the first team in 17 years to convert the two points in the first quarter. Then for fun they did it again after scoring on their next possession.
• D'Angelo Williams - The back up running back, main man for the past two weeks while Le'Veon Bell sat out for smoking weed violating the league's drug policy, followed up his great performance last week with another one this week barreling his way through defenders for 77 yards and three touchdowns.

Other

• Fox at the Emmy's - Whose bright idea was it for these guys to host their post game sports show on the television awards red carpet? Some of us don't have access to every game and depend on these guys to shoot us the highlights and give us the scoop. I could barely hear the guys at the desk over all the fans screaming at stars to turn around for pictures. Micheal Strahan and Terry Bradshaw were at least far removed from the fans, but having them interview television stars? Uh, Michael does that for his other show. That isn't sports related.
• Rob Lowe - But that being said I enjoyed how excited Rob Lowe was to be at the desk with Curt Menefee, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson. At least he could converse football.
• Interviewing - Dallas' quarterback Tony Romo spoke with Fox's Erin Andrews after Dallas beat the Eagles in Philadelphia and after he found out his collarbone was fractured. Curt Menefee mentioned twice how great it was that Romo took the time to speak with Andrews, but really? I'm tired of coddling these guys. Interviewing is part of the job. I'm sorry that your team lost and you sucked and you don't want to talk about it, but guess what? The rest of us want to hear from you. Your fans want to know what went wrong and that you're going to be back at work tomorrow working on it. I'm sorry you broke a bone and might miss the rest of the season or a few weeks or that you're going to play through the pain. Your haters want to gloat. The interviewers have a job just like you and that's to ask questions. Your job requires that you do an interview so STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE SO PUT OUT AT HAVING TO DO THIS. Be civil, kind, and answer the darn questions without attitude.
• Crazy Penalties - There were so many idiots shoving defenders in front of refs yesterday after plays were made that it looked like a school playground. The Dolphins even did it more than once, not learning the first time. Every time they made a great play stopping the Jaguars on third down some defensive dolphin literally pushed, shoved, or stepped on the Jags offense giving them another first down and chance to score. So they did. And won. You play in the big leagues now guys. Control your tempers and stop this nonsense.
• Cowboys - Tony Romo is out with a broken clavicle. Dez Bryant is out with a broken bone in his foot. They are undefeated after two weeks, but can they keep that up without these two leaders? Can, uh, jeez, who is their back up quarterback? Might give ole Tim Tebow a call.
• Eagles - Or maybe the Eagles might rethink their decision to let Tebow go. Quarterback Sam Bradford had trouble finding receivers, trouble throwing decent balls for said receivers to catch, and trouble with turnovers. 
• Winless - The Ravens haven't won yet? WHAT? They got beat by the Raiders? WHAT? The Seahawks haven't won yet either? WHAT? This season of NFL is starting off to be cra-cra. That being said, it is only week two. The sports guys have got to settle down on their picking of teams to win and settle down on scaring fans with their this-team-is-heading-for-disaster-talk. Anything can happen guys. Anything.

NFL picks - week #2

Last week - 7 - 9

Overall - 7 - 9

Kansas City over Denver - Dag Nap-it I knew I should have gone with my Peyton, but I was gun shy with everything last week and the Chiefs were at home and, and, and...I missed it. BUT I did have Emmanuel Sanders starting on my fantasy team so I won some nice points for his great game.

New England over Buffalo - I almost picked the Bills, but then the above game was in my head and so I went with Brady. But I like what Rex Ryan is doing with this team. If he can do what he did when he first took over the Jets and not what he did with them the last two years this is going to be a team to keep an eye on.

Arizona over Chicago - The Cardinals, with former Steelers coach, Bruce Arians, are good darn it, and the Bears have all over the map Jay Cutler so I went with the visiting team.

Cincinnati over San Diego - This is the game I went back and forth with because I didn't get to see these two teams last week, but the Bengals are home so that was my deciding factor. Even though I hope they lose.

Tennessee over Cleveland - Listen, Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt, a former Steelers coach, snapped up former Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau and then got to pick the number two college quarterback 

Detroit over Minnesota - I had high hopes for the Vikings with the return of Adrian Peterson, but they really had a hard time last week and the Lions were playing some good football in week one so I went with them.

New Orleans over Tampa Bay - Last year the Bucs played better on the road then they did at home, and I think if they find their groove with Winston they will win this game over a mediocre Saints team, but playing in the Superdome is tough for an A level team let alone a team that can't get its shit together each week.

Giants over Atlanta - This should be a good game, and I'm partial to the Manning boys and that's how I made my pick this week. Remember its early days yet.

Pittsburgh over San Francisco - We need to pick it up this week and take this game. It's at Heinz Field so the home crowd should be ready and that should get the guys pumped.

St. Louis over Washington - The Rams are exciting to watch too this year, and the Redskins, well, they have all sorts of problems from an owner that refuses to deal with Indian tribes to a quarterback situation that is ridiculous beyond words.

Carolina over Houston - The Texans had way too many issues last week so I wasn't too keen on them in an away game.

Baltimore over Oakland - The Ravens won't lose this week.

Miami over Jacksonville - 

Philadelphia over Dallas - Oh, this game was a tough one. Both teams are stellar this year, but I give the slight edge to Eagles. Tony Romo is going to have to prove to me in more than just one game that he can be steadily solid.

Seattle over Green Bay - The Seahawks have all the makings of another Super Bowl visit and with that loss last week I think they find their groove this week despite playing in Lambeau Field.

Indianapolis over Jets - The Colts will get themselves back together again at home this week. Luck isn't down for long. And Tony Dungy agrees with me.

Reaching out from the netherworld

Last week I went to The Condo to run the dishwasher. One of the things I've learned about having a second home that no one uses daily is that it STILL HAS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF. My brother probably doesn't understand this as he lives far, far away from said second home, but his name is on the deed and it wouldn't hurt him once in awhile to call me and ask, "Hey, how are things going with The Condo?" I try to get up there once a week or if not that every other week. I also try to fill it with people who will do some laundry, wash some dishes, sleep in the beds, and well, you know, live in it.

I had people in it in August and they left money for my cleaning lady (I have a house that I clean, people, nowhere in my job description does it say I have to clean two) so she and I were at The Condo so that she could work and I could talk. A few minutes before she left she asked if I had run the dishwasher in a while, and upon learning I hadn't, she told me I should. So I hiked up there last week after a dentist appointment (no cavities!) which was in the area. I came in, put soap in the washer, and turned the thing on. Because I didn't want to leave it running alone I stayed. I had brought some lunch so I ate, cleaned up my mess, and decided to sit down and watch some TV because we pay for cable and wifi every month.

I had just gotten settled in mother's chair (the one she lived in the last three years) when the phone rang. The phone comes with the cable and wifi and so we kept it. This specific company has a godly voice that speaks from somewhere up high to alert you to who is calling. My cable company doesn't do this and so it is always a shock when the female phone speaks.

I had just sat down and I knew nobody of importance was calling so it annoyed me. I was annoyed at having to get up and annoyed that after much work in getting the phone number on the Florida Do Not Call List and on the National Do Not Call Registry solicitors still called. I grumbled aloud and made to get up when the voice from nowhere spoke, telling me, "Call from Mason, Constance."

For a moment, just a small moment, these thoughts ran through my brain as I stumbled to the phone: I knew it. She isn't dead. Those dreams I have are true. She is still here and I've forgotten. I've been wrong all this time and now she needs me to bring her something from the condo."

And visions of the rehab center entered my mind with her sitting by her bed on the phone trying to reach me. They were fleeting thoughts because deep down I knew this wasn't true, yet there was a spark, a tiny spark, that maybe all those crazy back-to-life-scenes from movies and television is, well, a possibility. And when I grabbed the phone it said this:

And I pushed TALK and shouted, "HELLO?" because OMG IS THIS TRUE? at the same time that my brain was registering the fact that the phone number displayed (not on the picture now) was The Condo number, and obviously I was standing in The Condo and therefore none of it made any sense. Yet...well, if you've lost a parent you understand.

The voice speaking, even as I was shouting greetings into the phone, was automated. It was not my mother. It was a female voice telling me she could help me out of my credit card debt.

Which is ridiculous because I don't have credit card debt. My mother, whose name is still attached to the cable company, did not have credit card debt. I listened to her for maybe ten seconds before I whispered, "Connie? Mom?" just in case she was somewhere on the other end. But the voice just kept telling me my credit card debt was only going to get worse, and I needed to listen and heed her advice. I hung up.

I hung up and realized that I was back in the chair where I had apparently fallen and that my heart was beating forcefully and loudly in my chest. And there, still on the display, was my mother's name telling me she had called; from the netherworld, where apparently she helps people get out of credit card debt.

It was a very odd experience, and I immediately took a photo and shared it on social media. Because hello, this is our world now, and I knew everyone that cared about my experience would see it. When the dishwasher finished I left to go about my day and to tell my experience to my husband, who despite getting me on social media against my will, doesn't "have time" for it. He thought it very odd indeed and could not explain it which left me wondering if well, hey, maybe....

And then three days later the very same thing happened at my own house. The phone rang, and I glanced at the caller ID from my position in front of my computer, and saw that someone with my last name was calling from the very house I was sitting in.

Of course, every time I see my last name I immediately picture my husband because I suppose deep down I'm still a Mason, but I knew said husband was sitting at his desk around the corner from me nowhere near a phone, and so I knew immediately who it was. "Tom, pick up the phone. It's my mom calling about your credit card debt."

Which I know had to have his brain ticking a mile a minute, flipping through the same mental things I had flipped through at The Condo. But hey, why should I have all the fun?

Monday NFL recap(& more) - week #1

I blame my poor job in the picks this week on my new fantasy play. I spent too much time making draft picks while trying to figure out what the heck I was doing that I didn't spend a lot of time on my weekly picks. When I started blogging them I realized I had messed up. I forgot that Nick Foles had been traded to St. Louis, and I totally blanked on the top two draft picks playing one another. I forgot that Marcus Mariota went to the Titans and instead I went with Tampa even though I haven't liked Jameis Winston at all. I told them to draft Mariota! Oh, well, it's only week 1.

Other:

• Fox's NFL Pregame Show - It was so good to see my Fox NFL guys again and listen to what they had to say. Of course, they had to discuss Deflategate with Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson saying they were tired of the whole thing. Bradshaw thought quarterbacks were being picked on in the league and that the rules on ball psi were stupid and needed to be changed, but Michael Strahan, who in the past has done his own griping about how it was all nonsense, took a turn and said, "That's great in theory, but the theory is there's a rule....There is a rule." Exactly. Talk about how it is stupid all you want, but the rule said....and rules have to be followed or what is the point?
• Fox Insider Jay Glazer piped up with his own interesting tidbit about how Congress has been after him for his tape on Spygate even going as far as to threaten him with jail time if he didn't turn over the 20 minute tape of the Patriots videotaping the Jets sideline and their signals. Supposedly the NFL destroyed the evidence they had on the Patriots, but Glazer still has a key piece. Interesting....
• I enjoyed the interview that Erin Andrews did with Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, but then the hosts, after just commenting about letting things go regarding Deflategate, spend time discussing whether the Seahawks can get past last year's crazy Super Bowl decision to throw instead of run that cost them the win. Take your own advice guys and drop it. That was last season. Let's move forward...
• The best segment of Fox's Pregame show was Rob Riggle's PSI: Boston. It was a hilarious skit with various famous actors investigating Deflategate. "It's already been cancelled" Great fun.
• Kam Chancellor - He's holding out and didn't play because he wants more money. Don't we all Kam! How about a rule on that nonsense? In the real world if a worker refuses to do his job, he's fired. What is it with these sports agents that advise their clients to hold out? And what is it with athletes that do it? If teams could throw big bucks at all of their top players, don't you think they would and do? At some point they have to close the vault to fill it again and those who wait their turn are usually rewarded. Meanwhile by holding out and missing games Chancellor is racking up fines and missing his paycheck to the tune of $2 million dollars. How crazy is that thinking?
• Josh McCown - When your team has the number one draft pick on your team looking to replace you I get that you want to play your heart out to show upper management you're the better player, but seriously? McCown, the Cleveland Browns quarterback, took it a tad too far in the first quarter when he avoided a sack and tore up the field. It was a great run and he should have placed his butt on the ground as soon as he saw the defender lumbering his way. Instead McCown tried to dive into the endzone and took a shot to the head, fumbling the ball instead of scoring. Evaluated for a head injury he was diagnosed with a concussion and low and behold in came Johnny Football. 
• Jameis Winston - Welcome to the big leagues son! Winston's first pass as a NFL quarterback went right into the hands of Tennessee Titan Coty Sensabaugh who ran 26 yards into the endzone to put the Titans up 14-0. Winston was sacked multiple times (4) and looked very lost in his season debut. 
• Marcus Mariota - Welcome to the big leagues son! Unlike his rival Winston, Mariota came out throwing just like he did in Oregon. He looked strong. He looked confident. He ran his team up and down the field like a captain throwing 4 touchdowns and making 13 of his 16 attempted passes. 
• Crazy Guys - Cincinnati's Pacman Jones and Miami Dolphins Ndamukong Suh both went nuts yesterday in their respective games. Jones ripped the helmet off of his opponent Oakland Raider Amari Cooper and then after he took Cooper's head in both of his hands and slammed it back on the helmet. Suh looked to have done the same to Redskins Alfred Morris as he kneed Morris in the head upon standing, catching Morris' helmet with his foot so that it too came off. I hope Commissioner Goodell was watching that poor behavior yesterday.  
• Moses Malone - "Basketball is my favorite sport. I like the way they dribble up and down the court. Just like I'm the King on the microphone, so is Dr. J. and Moses Malone." - Basketball by Kurtis Blow - The NBA hall of famer died from an apparent heart attack yesterday at the age of 60. RIP Malone. Glad I got to see you play.
• US Open - Sigh. After a rain delay Novak Djokovic beat Roger Federer for the title in four sets. Federer loss sight there for awhile returning shots that looked as if he weren't even trying, and by the time he pulled himself together it was a little too late. Noteworthy was how loud the crowd's cheers were every time Federer hit a point in that last set. People do love Roger!

NFL Football picks - Week #1

Week one is hard in picking winners and losers. I'm not a big preseason watcher so I'm usually going blind here except for my vast knowledge of all football. So here goes:

Pittsburgh over New England - Okay, let me just start out (for new readers) by saying that I never hardly ever go against my boys. I have faith. Especially on Sundays at 1:00 pm which is when we play our best. I should have remembered that rule when I picked this game.

Indianapolis over Buffalo - Andrew Luck against uh, who? Have they made that decision yet?

Green Bay over Chicago - This game is always a doozy, and while it is in Chicago I went with the stronger quarterback.

Seattle over St. Louis - I read a really great article concerning the Seahawks and how they train. Everyone seems happy there, well, except for Kam Chancellor, and feel they are treated as men with a job to do. The scuttle butt is this team can do it again. Not so much news from St. Louis.

Cleveland over NY Jets - The Browns almost pulled themselves up by the boot straps last year so maybe they can again this year. The Jets always seem to have issues and so far this preseason hasn't been any different.

Miami over Washington - My nephew says the Dolphins look good and he predicted they would finish high. My nephew isn't my go to guy, but with the Redskins coach Jay Gruden mouthing off about players and players having issues with Gruden the future in Washington looks tainted.

Carolina over Jacksonville - This is the one I think I missed on in looking back over the list. Maybe I went with North Carolina because I'm biased. Who knows. Quarterback Cam Newton is and can be the bomb on days. Maybe he will be again today.

Houston over Kansas City - Not much intel for me on this one. Just pulled it out.

New Orleans over Arizona - Maybe I'm just pulling for the old guys this year, but the Saints need some redemption.

San Diego over Detroit - It's in San Diego and Phillip Rivers just got that big payday. Plus, I drafted him for my fantasy team.

Denver over Baltimore - I hate the Ravens. And it's in Denver. So I'm hoping the Ravens defense has high altitude sickness. Or whatever. And I'm hoping Peyton Manning got fired up after the release of Tom Brady's texts about him, although that isn't Manning's way. Or is it?

Cincinnati over Oakland - Uh, who? Do the Raiders really still exist?

Tampa Bay over Tennessee - Well, I'm going with the rookie here thinking maybe he does something besides screw up in life. Plus, if he doesn't Lovie Smith might just lose another job.

Dallas over NY Giants - Like the Bears and Packers, these two teams have a rivalry that is strong. I know Eli inked that 80+ million deal this week, but it is in Dallas' palace stadium so I went with the Cowboys.

Philadelphia over Atlanta - Sadly, no Tebow, but no return specialist Devin Hester either for the Falcons.

Minnesota over San Francisco - With the return of Adrian Peterson and the scooping up of Mike Wallace, I'm thinking this team might just be the sleeper team to watch out for.

Are you ready for some football? Check!

I'm a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan (for those first time readers) and I LOVE NFL football. Each Sunday I blog my picks for the upcoming week. Each Monday I write a wrap up of the previous games. A lot of my readers skip it because they aren't fans. A lot of non fans read it anyway because I'm witty? A lot of people read it because they like football. I'm just thrilled people are reading!

This post didn't post when it should have so I'm adding to it with my reviews of Thursday's game. Sigh.

This year before the Pittsburgh Steelers (my fav team for all new readers) even played I had my decorations out and put up. Flags out? Check. All four of them. Except I didn't like the positioning of the two flags. So I went inside and ordered another flag from Amazon. Because it's football season. And I can. It isn't here yet so these two will have to fly to the win.

Decorate garage door with my Steelers magnets? Check. I have all six magnets from our Super Bowl wins, but they are faded from the sun and I wasn't going to put them up. But then I happened to be carrying around a Sharpie in my pocket and so I went over them with that and OH, YEAH, just like new.

Front door decorated? Check. The sign I've had for several years and in the off season it hangs on the door to my Steelers room. The other two decals are new and so I put them here to show my pride. And because I had nowhere else to put them.

Decorated my body with Steelers merchandise? Check. You can't see from this picture (I'm hiding my triple chins) but I also was wearing Steelers earrings. Everyone at the dentist office kept calling me Ms. Bling.

Tonight is the start of the NFL football season and the Steelers are leading it off. Well, probably, the stupid, cheating Super Bowl champions are really leading it off, but whatever. Are you ready for some football? Damn skippy I am.

Steelers Recap:

This season I am turning over a new football so to speak. I am not going to follow my routine of wearing a certain shirt on Monday if we win. I am not going to wear the same outfit on game day if we won the last time I wore it. I am not going to allow myself to fall into that superstition any more. I am taking charge! I expect the team to win on its own merit, dammit, and I will not cave. At least I thought all of that before we lost....

Opening Night - I started watching from the moment NBC went live from New England. I loved the interview that Hines Ward did with Antonio Brown. It made me chuckle. I was happy to see my good buddy Chris Collinsworth. I was not happy to see that angry-cut-off-Dungy Rodney Harrison back. I was rolling my eyes at the the Patriots self congratulatory Super Bowl ceremony. I was cheering when the game finally started.

Roger Goodell - He didn't attend opening night. He thought the focus should be on football. Okay, we have a problem if the head of the organization doesn't attend the season opener of said organization. He needs to go. Fire him already.

Rodney Harrison - When asked if he ever "wondered about things" while playing for the Patriots he said absolutely not. Then he got defensive. Which made me wonder. But really, it was a silly question because what else is he going to say?

Headset Issue - Pretty much as soon as the game started the Steelers coach to coach headsets stopped working and the coaches heard instead the Patriots radio broadcast of the game. Immediately NBC made it an issue. For the next two hours we heard about this fiasco and we are still hearing about this issue on Saturday. Frankly, it is pitiful. In this day and age of electronics the NFL really has no excuse (rain? please) for this type of thing happening. It is stupid and embarrassing. The fact that it happened on the visitors side only. Well...sorry New England but this kind of crap is going to follow you now since you've been caught with your hands inside the cookie jar one too many times.

Tom Brady - I go back and forth with this guy, but pretty much I don't care for him. Do I think he pulled a fast one with the deflating of balls nonsense? Absolutely. Do I feel he would cheat to win? Absolutely. Do I think he is a hell of a quarterback? Absolutely. Thursday night he showed why coming out of the tunnel fired up to play and fired up to win. And he did. Period.

Steelers Defense - Last year fans complained about all of the "old guys". Now this year they will complain about all of the "young guys". This is why I say we need to keep a few old guys. Old guys need to settle down and lead the young guys. The problem is that the Steelers kept the wrong old guys in my opinion. What I wouldn't have given for Troy Polamalu Thursday night. Mistakes left and right by the defense made me realize it is going to be a long season for a team that is known for its defense. I think getting rid of Defensive Coordinator Dick LeBeau was the wrong thing to do when starting off with a a slew of young'ins as molding them into first rate players was his specialty. But he's gone and the team has got to move forward and boy, do they have a lot of work cut out for them. Missed tackles aplenty. Missed communication signals. Penalties. Illegal formations. I hope they don't have the weekend off.

Antonio Brown - I follow this guy on every social media outlet there is almost. I like him. I didn't like that he was going to hold out, but he claims that wasn't the case so I haven't unfollowed him. He is too charismatic. He also follows up what his mouth says. He thinks he is the greatest wide receiver. He showed last night that he is certainly one of the top three with 9 receptions, 133 yards, and one touchdown. It was his 33rd consecutive game with 5+ receptions and 50+ yards. He made a couple of crazy, amazing catches last night. If you are going to play without modesty, at least back it up. He does.

Josh Scobee - The Steelers second choice for replacing Shaun Suisham was this kicker from the Jacksonville Jaguars. He missed the first two kicks for Pittsburgh from 44 and 46 yards and then made two, but those missing six points sure hurt. I knew when I got the news about Suisham while sitting outside a dressing room in a teen store in the mall that it would hurt more than people thought.

Big Ben - I hate when the media gets hyped on him because I feel he can't ignore that. Setting a Steelers record for consecutive starts with 159 under his belt, he wasn't Tom Brady. He ended with 351 yards, but he has got to control the field his offense better and lackluster missed tosses he missed grated on me because by now that shouldn't happen in this kind of game. Not when you are making the big bucks buddy.

4th quarter penalty - The Patriots defense did a little shifting on the goal line at third and goal in the 4th quarter that drew a false start from Steelers Kelvin Beachum. Ben Roethlisberger felt it was an unwritten rule. "I thought that there was a rule against that," Roethlisberger said. "Maybe there's not. Maybe it's just an written rule. We saw it on film, that the Patriots do that." Okay, well here again is what I'm talking about. Remind your offensive of that shit in the huddle, Ben. Take charge. And for god's sake, when you're angry about something turn that into a touchdown, would you? That's what Peyton Manning and Tom Brady do. They get even. We have got to find that mentality in this team.

DeAngelo Williams - Le'Veon Bell who? Mess up and you just might find you are out of a job. Williams ran for 127 yards in his first game as a Steelers and kept some of the heat off of Ben. Granted he had some nice holes, but by golly he found them and took advantage.

Belichick not happy - Well, when is he? During a conference call yesterday, he whined about how the rest of the world is focusing more on cheating than on footbal. "Your know this organization has won a lot of games, but particularly in reference to the great teams from '01, '03, '04, back in there, and all the great players that played on those teams -- " he said. He then went on to name them including Rodney Harrison, Ty Law, Tedy Bruschi, and Tom Brady. "--to take away from what those guys accomplished, what those teams accomplished, how good they were, how many great players we had, how well they played in big games, how they consistently showed up and made big plays and game-winning plays. It's not right." No, Bill, what isn't right is that the Patriots maybe won those games with a little more than good players. That's what isn't right.

10 Hump Day questions running through my mind

1. Will the Steelers win tomorrow night? Can we get through the game without injury? Is all this hype about our offensive going to be the opposite? Will the city and its fans really go for an offensive team over a defensive team? Will James Harrison sack Brady? Should I fly to Pittsburgh for a game this year?
2. My new neighbors' daughter attends the same small private school my daughters both attended. Apparently she knows Darcy. Isn't it a small world?
3. Will I have issues tomorrow at the dentist office when I go for my six month cleaning and check-up. Ugh. I hate the dentist visits.
4. Is my family planning on coming for the Christmas holidays? Should I ask them? I need to start shopping now. Can I actually do that? I say that every year.
5. Why is my dog so tired these past few days? Why does he come alive at night when I'm ready to sleep?
6. Should I go to the swim meet early to volunteer? Will I melt in this heat if I do? Why do we have to come an hour early just to write our name down on a volunteer sheet. Can't she just put me down each week?
7. Why did the writers feel they needed to have Alica and Cary leave Lockhart Gardner and create their own firm? Isn't that something four years wouldn't really do? Didn't they have a good thing where they were? Doesn't she feel any loyalty to people who took a chance on her after 14 years of staying at home with her kids?
8. Why is it that when I call people it lasts hours? From now on I'm having just a day where I kick back and talk on the phone. Should I put that in my flylady control journal? Why do people talk on the phone nowadays when they can facetime? 
9. Why am I so far behind on my communication via mail? I have a thank you, two birthdays, and well, something else but I've lost my list. Did I just answer my own question? Why is my list missing from my desk.
10. Do all of those above questions really count as ten?

I'll show you people

Sunday we drove to my SIL's house for dinner and to meet the newest member of their family, their new puppy Hootie Jr. His namesake, also a dalmatian, had died right before summer and they got this little one at 8 weeks. 

They told us to bring Elliot so that he could meet his new cousin. We rarely take Elliot anywhere involving a car because he doesn't care for riding in one. He will tolerate riding in Tom's car because he can stand with his bottom paws on the backseat floor and put his front paws on the console between the seats. This allows him to see out the front window and to get the air coming from the vents. He only likes this when Tom takes him to a park where riding is only five minutes. Sunday we took Darcy's car and Tom rode with Elliot in the back. It was about a 40 minute trip and he did just fine curled up his favorite person's arms.

We got to my SIL's house and Elliot was less than impressed with his new cousin. He sniffed him and then tried to retreat to a nice corner of the kitchen. Hootie Jr. had other ideas however. He kept bounding and hopping around Elliot trying to get him to play. If Elliot turned his back to the pup, Hootie Jr. would bite his tail and Elliot would jump. All of the adults stood around watching the two animals as if watching newborn babies.

It was raining outside so the two had to stay indoors. My SIL just got new carpet so the dogs were confined to the kitchen and the tile floors. Elliot slips and slides on tile so he had no interest in playing. He kept moving away from the pup. The pup would follow, nipping his tail or his snout, bouncing like a little Tigger. Eventually Elliot hopped up on the couch where the pup could not reach him although he tried.

We all took turns playing with the little guy and then he ventured back to mess with Elliot. By this time Elliot had had enough and so when the pup tried to bit him again Elliot snarled his lip and showed his teeth. Hootie Jr. backed off a bit and then hopped up and down around Elliot like a boxer coaxing to be hit. Elliot would try to walk away and the pup would nip him again and Elliot would snap at the air near the pup. It was all very entertaining for us, although Elliot was not amused by our laughing.

On the way home Tom drove. Elliot resisted getting into the car and so Darcy lifted him and put him in the back. I reminded her that Elliot didn't do well in the very back and she eventually moved him up on the empty seat next to her in the second row. We stopped off at the grocery for some snacks and Tom and Darcy headed out into the rain leaving me behind with the dog.

The dog did not care for that. He stood and looked out the window forever. When people would come toward the car he would hop from one seat to the other to watch them out of the windows. Finally he just started his little howling which I shushed up quickly. He was not happy with me.

I explained that they would be back after they purchased some items. I told him that I would be happy to take him out in the parking lot for awhile, but that it was raining too hard for that. I promised him we would be home soon. He finally released a huge sigh and settled down to wait.

They took forever, but they did return and we went home. We hadn't been home more than ten minutes when I noticed Elliot messing with something in the hallway. Turns out he showed us. He vomited in the hallway. Then he vomited in my bedroom. He vomited at the front door. Then he vomited on the front porch. Tom suddenly was hopping around like the pup. He jumped from one pile of vomit to the other asking the dog what he was doing. Elliot ignored him like he had ignored his little cousin and proceeded to move from place to place leaving little piles of puke in his wake.

Some day these people will listen to me when I tell them that this dog does not like car trips. Or other dogs, cousins or not. 

Back to Flying

I am a procrastinator when it comes to home life. Housework needs to get done. Blah, blah, blah. If I'm home and know that I need to get out to grocery shop or hit the post office, I procrastinate. "I can do that when I go to pick up so and so." When school started I resolved not to be that person. I decided to start flying again.

Several years ago after reading a letter in Dear Abby I investigated the site FlyLady. She encouraged me to not be a procrastinator and to get up and get moving. I embraced her daily night cleaning of the kitchen sink and her laundry routine first thing in the morning. I made myself a control journal and I followed her holiday meal preparations. I had an organized house for quite some time. I'm not sure what happened and why I quit flying, but I am determined to start again.

Since September I started flapping my wings. I cleaned out my sink with bleach and Comet and shined that baby up. The premise is that if we do this each night before bed we will awake to a clean sink and a great start to the day. The other daily routine is getting dressed as soon as you roll out of bed in the morning. Put on your clothes. Put on your shoes. Put on your face and brush your hair. This way you are ready for anything. House on fire? You are ready. UPS man at the door? You are ready. Before leaving your bedroom you pick up the dirty laundry and walk it to the washing machine where you start a load. Bang. Task accomplished before breakfast. Her last daily routine is swishing and swiping the bathrooms. Do this and your bathroom is already for guests. No more rushing in to ready it.

The sink thing never worked for me back in the day because my husband would go to bed after me and leave dishes in the sink I had just cleaned. This time I'm going to threaten. As for the morning routine, I loved that one and have for the most part carried that one through for several years. I might stray on weekends and holidays, but I do feel better getting put together early on. The laundry thing was great when I did it and now that there are only three of us it should make it even easier. The bathroom routine was one of my favorites and I'm sorry I let that one go. I can already see after a week of getting back to it that it will be SO helpful.

Flylady will send you daily emails letting you know which area of the house you will be concentrating on. Spend the 15 minutes she requires completing the tasks she suggests and chaos will soon be gone from your home. The premise is that the house didn't get dirty in one day so you should't expect it to be totally clean in one day. An example was the day's area of the dining room. I was to either declutter the room (that's for beginners, but decluttering isn't a problem in my house for the most part) or start working on her detailed list for cleaning that area. Only 15 minutes are expected and we are to set a timer. Each week she has different zones and each day different tasks.

Once you are in her rhythm it is quite easy, but you have to be willing to do it. You don't have to follow everything her way. I've changed days around in the past, but I think I'll stick with her routine for awhile. Baby steps. Already I see that following through with this has given me more time for things I want to do. I no longer feel guilty taking an hour or more to just sit down and read a book. It also gives me answers to that dreaded question from the working husband, "So...what did you do today?"

Me: "I did a load of laundry, cleaned the kitchen sink, walked the dog, swished and swiped the bathrooms, decluttered the dining room, swept the front porch...." He doesn't need to know all of that was before 10:00 am.

Fly, baby, fly!

M is for Menopause

Caution: The following is about what I am experiencing as a woman over the age of 50. If you don't like that kind of blood and gore stuff, by all means, read an old entry. 

As I sit at my desk in my office I am on fire. Not literally, mind you, but burning from the inside out. It doesn't happen all the time, just occasionally. Although occasionally seems to signify once in a while and lately these internal fires are happening several in an hour.

Hot Flashes. That is the term that is used by medical professionals, but they have no idea the cause. Doctors nod, say the "M" word, wave their hands around in the air and shrug. It sucks, but that's the life of an aging woman and well, we can't help you.

When I took over as the caretaker of my medical issues, I chose all women doctors. My primary was a woman. My OB/GYN practice was all women. I even had a woman dentist for a long time. My feeling was I wanted someone who knew exactly what I was talking about when it came to my body, and frankly, a man, doctor or not, was not going to be on my wavelength. (I've had multiple conversations on this topic with my BIL who is a GYN, but he loses every time.)

For a while, I cruised with all of my doctors, but then my primary doctor retired and I discovered that the new crop out there was just newbies. "But you're so young," I said upon meeting my new primary, sounding like every cliche on television. Suddenly I was the one offering up advice on pregnancy and parenting as she had one child and then another, leaving me in the hands of subs who were even younger. Now that I'm fifty and experiencing all of these crazy changes in my body this woman with a medical degree doesn't have a clue personally what I'm experiencing. She will eventually, but that doesn't help me now.

It started, much like my body's downhill spiral began after forty after my mother died and then I hit fifty. First I noticed a change in my periods. I could set my clock in regards to my periods, and while the first three days have always been heavier, now they were even more so. It was like a murder scene every time I pulled down my pants or flushed the toilet.

Then they started disappearing every other month or so leaving me counting days and weeks and wondering is this it? I would get different thoughts from different people. "So and So's doctor told her that if you go a year without periods you are done and in menopause." "So and So went twenty-two months without a period and then got one."

No periods actually sounded great to me, but then another friend said she was thrilled each month when she did get one because it meant she was still young and viable. I wanted to still be young and viable and so I would remind myself of that when I tossed the evidence in the trashcan each cycle.

Next came the hot flashes. They weren't really noticeable at first. I'm a Mason and we Masons sweat. We sweat when we work out. We sweat in the heat. We sweat walking to the mailbox in 30-degree weather. So, when they came I didn't understand them at first. I live in Florida. I'm overweight. I'm a person who sweats.

You can see how I misinterpreted them.

By the time I realized what was happening they disappeared. In their place came an increase in my size. Suddenly my clothes weren't fitting and my belly looked like maybe I was getting ready to produce another kid. I didn't feel like I was eating more than normal and no matter what I did to counteract this issue it didn't work.

In May, everything really went to hell. It began with my breasts. They were swollen and aching and I felt like any minute they would lactate. After two weeks of that, I got my period. It was the worst thing I have experienced. I had headaches. I had severe cramping that I haven't had since my teens. The amount of blood that was flowing from my body had me going through all the shorts in my drawer and had me bedridden because I was afraid of standing. I needed a cork.

I went to my doctor. She nodded, typed it into my computer chart, and told me most likely I was in the beginning stages of menopause. She ordered an internal ultrasound and some blood work. "Just to be sure," she said, "but I have a feeling this is your body getting ready to stop having periods." There went my youth and viability.

The ultrasound didn't turn up anything earth-shattering. The blood work showed I needed some iron and that I was perimenopausal. No one I talked to seemed phased by the amount of blood coming out of me or the length of time that I had the period.

And then just like that, the period was over. I barely had time to blow out a sigh of relief and the hot flashes returned with a vengeance. They came, creeping from inside of me, hot, hot, hotter, until my whole body was aflame. I began sweating like I'd just broken a fever, but the rest of me felt like I had a fever.

Now, it comes when I least expect it. It comes when I'm expecting it. It comes in the morning. It comes in the night. It comes when I exercise. It comes when I'm sitting quietly. Sometimes the flashes bring sweats. Sometimes they don't. I've started showering three times a day.

The Internet told me to write down when they come and write down what happened before, what I ate, etc. to see if I can find the trigger. Uh-huh. Spicy foods are a trigger, but then again I have them with nonspicy foods.

Remedies include "sipping cold water at the onset of a flash" or "exercise". One friend told me she sticks her head in the freezer. I carried around a small fan for a while, but I had to replace the batteries every other day and decided that wasn't feasible.

I keep a fan on my desk and turn it on when I have a flash and off when I don't. I keep a fan in my bedroom much to my husband's dismay and it runs all night.

The only saving grace is that other women over the age of 50 (and some under) are with me in solidarity. They too have the same experiences, the same stories, the same flashes. My SIL, whose flashes started early due to her chemotherapy treatments, discovered that paper plates make great fans. We decorated them and carry them with us. Female shop keepers nod knowingly when I suddenly stop and begin fanning myself and they point to the spots under the air vents and direct me there to stand.

I haven't had a period since the last one in May. I don't expect it to be my last, but maybe it was. Part of me wonders if I do have another will the flashes disappear again? The other part of me says stop wishing for that. Older women nod at me and tell me they still have them even at eighty years old! 80!

I need to find a cure. But not yet. I need to climb inside my refrigerator. I'm having a hot flash.

Football is coming the balls are getting inflated...

1. Everyone keeps telling me I should play Fantasy Football so after making my NFL picks for the first week I ventured over to the fantasy side of Yahoo. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and before I knew it I was in a draft. Once in the damn thing you can't get out. Time started counting down on the left hand side and the instructions were too great. I did the best I could selecting players for my "queue", but I was totally lost. Then it was time for me to make a pick so I snagged a quarterback first thinking you can't play football without a quarterback. Once I had Big Ben on my team I got cocky and started queuing players up left and right. Next thing I knew the draft was over and I had a team full of wide receivers and running backs, but with no kicker and no defense. Oops.
2. The judge in the NFL case against Tom Brady ruled in Brady's favor and allowed the Super Bowl quarterback to get back on the field for game one. Once the news hit yesterday the media went nuts. Interestingly, not much was being said about how the judge did not rule that Brady and the Patriots were innocent. He didn't. What he did rule on was the fact that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell played dictator. He did not follow the rules. He did not follow the law. He just willy nilly suspended Brady using the same code he uses for drug issues. Uh, wrong. It's time Goodell goes. 
3. Have you seen the Huffington Post pictures of Peyton Manning's son, Marshall, warming up with his dad on the Bronco's field before Thursday's game? So adorable. 
4. Oh, more woes for the Pittsburgh Steelers with the four game suspension of Martavis Bryant who, despite already failing one NFL drug test and missing games last season, couldn't put down the dope long enough to pass the second NFL test. The Steelers are claiming they knew this in the off season and planned for it accordingly in the draft, but it will be interesting to see how long they even bother with him. Did Bryant not see what happened with Santonio Holmes?
5. Preseason will soon be put away for another season, and I for one will be thankful. I hate preseason. It's nothing but a money grabber from greedy owners and administration who if they crunched the numbers might just find they didn't score after losing numerous players to injuries, many of them for the season. Let the true season begin!

Ten Hump Day questions running through my head

1. On The Good Wife Alicia Florrick told a colleague that she drank a glass of wine every day at 3:00 p.m. while waiting for her kids to come home. She is a big time lawyer who manages a family and a list of clients so I felt that if I wanted a drink during the day then it would be fine because obviously Alicia has no trouble imbibing daily. Then I wondered does it mean the same when it is fictional?
2. How can one buy a couch without spending an entire day lounging on it, reading on it, sitting on it, and sleeping on it?
3. Why did gas stations quit pumping gas for customers?
4. Can working women over the age of 50 who have daily hot flashes wear silk?
5. Should I try a waist trainer?
6. Are the bee colonies better than last year? Has that situation evened out? Will there be enough honey for my Cream of Wheat this winter?
7. Does the above count as three questions or should I consider the other two sub questions?
8. Are my years of chlorine inhalation the reason why I get sore throats now when cleaning bathrooms?
9. Will this be the year that I actually begin my Christmas shopping earlier than December?
10. Is it likely that one of the male country singers in the top ten will want to do a duet with me?

Finding my new way

It has been two weeks since Madison went off to college. It feels like two months. She is well and happy, at least she sounds it from her phone calls. She is scheduling her homework, getting up on her own for classes, adjusting to sharing a room, and managing her college accounts. She calls us with stories of college life and she giggles. We Facetime and she looks great. My little shining ginger. Sometimes the ache I feel in her being gone overwhelms me. At those moments I take the time to feel the emotions and then I think of how exciting this time is for her. I am so proud of her and so happy that she has gone with a decision she made on her own.

I did not fall apart when she left. Everyone said I would. Mothers who have gone before me on this route warned me. "Take boxes of Kleenex," they wrote on social media. But I didn't need more than a couple of handfuls of tissues. It was sad, but it was so exciting. She was ready for this. I didn't come home and grieve. Instead I cleaned her room and washed her sheets and made her bed. I sniffed a little at Elmo and Cuddly sitting left behind on her bed. They have gone everywhere with her. She hauled them in a backpack to Costa Rica. But this summer they stayed behind while we traveled. They don't seem sad either. They know the drill. We all had time to prepare.

The dynamics of our family of four shifting to a family of two three was immediate. One child went to college. One child got her drivers license and a car. The thought that I would have time with my youngest while the eldest was out of the house wasn't realistic. She has freedom, and friends, and places to explore. Tom and I took a look at each other. "Oh, hello there." We keep busy. A few days a week I'm "nanny" to my friend's daughter after school. She enjoys spending time together and talks. Tom is slowly getting back into swimming. I'm looking into photography classes and finding projects to start. I'm open to traveling.

It's funny how fast childhood goes when you are a parent. Blink and that baby you brought home in your arms is an adult and out into the world. I don't regret a moment of our decision for me to stay at home. I've loved every second of every minute of my job even in those moments where I didn't think I did. We've raised two great kids who are spreading their wings and that is how it should be. It is up to me to stand back now in their shadows to watch them fly and to be there just in case I'm needed. I'm working hard at embracing that. That part isn't easy, but I stop and tell myself this is their time now. No matter how far away they go I'm still their mother. That job hasn't ended.

And I'm reminded of that when Madison calls unexpected just to tell me something that happened in her day. I may be several hundred miles away, but she still wants to share her life with me. I'm reminded of that when I pack the youngest's lunch box every morning and attend her swim meets. Life is just different now. Excuse me while I get some Kleenex.