Monday morning NFL recap - week #12

Steelers: I had to leave for the airport before halftime to take Madison. Obviously I did not make those reservations, but thank goodness for electronic devices...which turned out to be a blog entry for later this week.

• It's interesting how teams can have such great days after such lousy ones. Yesterday wasn't Pittsburgh's, but it was Seattle's. Oh, well, happy birthday to Russell Wilson. Pfft.
• A really bad call by the refs on the push out of bounds on Seattle's Wilson. He was clearly in bounds, but the refs are focused on protecting the quarterback so the Steelers got flagged.
• The game went back and forth all night, but the Steelers gave Seattle three balls and they took advantage and scored on them. That's one thing the Steelers defense has yet to do.
• Pittsburgh's secondary just got creamed. That needs to be fixed.
• Richard Sherman did a good job against Antonio Brown, but Ben Roethlisberger did a good job at going to Martavis Bryant and Markus Wheaton in his place.
• More injuries on both sides of the benches. For the Steelers, losing tight end (and fantasy player) Heath Miller and linebacker Ryan Shazier killed them both offensively and defensively.
• With all of the concussions in this game, and in the games this week, I would say that the NFL has not taken care of that problem.
• I didn't play Ben or Markus Wheaton in my fantasy football. My bad.

Other:

• I was thinking how great Dallas' Tony Romo's looked after spending seven weeks rehabbing his shoulder. It was a fleeting thought because he re-injured that same shoulder after a hit in the third quarter and is now out for the season. Anyone else think that owner Jerry Jones sucks?
• And speaking of out for the season how many starting quarterbacks have lost playing time this year due to injury? So much for the "new rules" to protect them.
• Green Bay retired former quarterback Brett Favre's number 4 at Lambeau Field on Thanksgiving Day in the rain at halftime. While I was annoyed that Favre's retiring number was shown in its entirety (I had to watch Pittsburgh's Mean Joe Greene's retired number ceremony online), it was nice to see my friends' son, Packers President Mark Murphy, on TV. Murphy took over during the time of Favre's "retirement" and his father and I spent a good bit of time debating the issue. I miss those football talks with my buddy Murph.
• How many people caught Packer's quarterback Aaron Roger's dirty mouth when the snap was bad and he fumbled the ball?  He dropped the f bomb as clear and loudly as his play calls. Just another reason why the networks need to rethink where those mics go.
• Chip Kelly of the Eagles might soon be looking for another job. Maybe its time that college coaches rethink jumping into the NFL. I would think job security does have some advantages.
• And let's discuss little Johnny Manziel who didn't have much to be thankful for this holiday season since a video surfaced of him drinking in a night club over the bye week; a no no considering he has been in a rehab program. The Browns coach Mike Pettine demoted Manziel from starting quarterback to the third string quarterback. "....he still has to consistently demonstrate that he has gained a good understanding of what it takes to be successful at the quarterback position on this level," Pettine said. "It goes well beyond the field." Good for Pettine! Finally we have a coach that makes a stand and follows through. All teams and organizations saying enough is enough, stop the crap, man up, get help is what it will take to turn the NFL around. 
• Referring was not at its best  yesterday in several of the games. I truly think that the head ref in Tampa's game was impaired. The poor man could not get anything right in his announcing calls and replays or in making his own calls.
• Tight ends were the theme this week as one by one they left the field with injuries; Steelers Heath Miller, Seattle's Jimmy Graham, and Patriots Rob Gronkowski. So much for making the game safer. Hell of a job for these guys. I have a back issue myself and can't imagine living out the rest of my life with the aches and pains these football guys will have at my age. Not sure the money is worth it, but you can't tell young'ins anything.
• Wonder if Tom Brady, or whomever takes care of his Facebook page, is wishing he/she hadn't posted that photoshopped picture of him riding the Denver Bronco's mascot?

NFL picks - week #12

Last Week - 8 - 6

Overall - 83 - 80

Philadelphia over Detroit - Wow. The Eagles suck.

Carolina over Dallas - I didn't care that Romo was back. I went with Newton.

Green Bay over Chicago - I figured since it was a home game and one where Brett Favre was being honored that the Packers wouldn't have any problem. I was wrong.

Atlanta over Minnesota - I keep thinking that the Falcons of weeks 1-4 will appear again.

Cincinnati over St. Louis - The Bengals are too good to keep losing.

Oakland over Tennessee - I threw my hands up in the air to pick this one.

Tampa Bay over Indianapolis - Yeah, well, I keep thinking that Jameis Winston knows what he is doing. He has the rest of the team believing too.

Kansas City over Buffalo - The Bills could pull this one out. It's just too hard to tell with them. 

Jets over Miami - Snore. Oh, sorry. A toss up here. Both teams are banged up and fighting to squeeze into the playoff race, but can anyone spell boring?

Giants over Washington - Manning wins.

San Diego over Jacksonville - I mean, can Phillip Rivers and company really lose again? Are they throwing these games to get a new stadium?

New Orleans over Houston - I felt the underdog in this one. Mostly because I haven't really watched the Texans at all this year.

Arizona over San Francisco - Unless the Cardinals O.D.'ed on turkey, will anyone believe this game goes the other way?

Pittsburgh over Seattle - Let's be honest. I always pick my boys. No Marshawn Lynch? A bonus.

New England over Denver - No Brady vs. Manning? If the Patriots weren't undefeated, I think Brady wouldn't even care about this game. He only really enjoys spanking Manning. But there is that undefeated thing....

Cleveland over Baltimore - No Joe Flacco. No Johnny Manziel. Boy, this game is a sure winner for Monday Night Football ratings, huh? But then again, both teams have decent back up quarterbacks so who knows? I think the Browns have had more experience behind their back up then the Ravens had thus my pick.

Thank you Terri Irwin

In 2006 after Australian wildlife expert Steve Irwin, aka The Crocodile Hunter, died I wrote about him on my blog.  For some reason I took his death hard. I spent a month weepy over the loss of him, and he wasn't even one of my idols. I didn't follow his show on a regular basis, but I could not get his death out of my mind.

"I'm not much of an animal person as anyone who knows me will tell you, but I loved watching Steve Irwin's love for them. When I awoke Monday morning to the article in our paper about his death I felt a sadness that has stayed with me all week. He was the most alive person that I have ever seen. Everything about him was real, and he didn't bother to hide his emotions or his joy in anything he did."

Every time I saw the man on television he made me happy with that infectious smile of his. I truly believed that what I saw of him on the box was how he was in real life. He just loved life and it showed. To have that kind of person removed from our world was just so sad to me. The fact that he left behind a wife and two children? That was heartbreaking too. I've tried to follow his family throughout the years, like a doting fairy godmother, and so when ABC announced that Bindi Irwin, Steve's daughter, was participating in this season's Dancing With The Stars I immediately set up my DVR. 

I love DWTS. Like Survivor, I love how the contestants feel so changed for the better after participating. I enjoy that most of the contestants become good friends. I am thrilled that my got-me-through-my-first-role-as-a-mother-host, Tom Bergeron, is on my screen weekly. I loved when Erin Andrews competed and believe her addition to the hosting duties makes the show. It is a show that I watched each season, but knowing that Bindi Irwin was on made this season more special.

The girl is SO much like her father. She lights up a room when she enters and has everybody in it smiling even if they were angry before her entrance. Her enthusiasm for life and everything in it reminds me of her father. I have cried countless times during her segments and laughed just as many. I feel so happy every time she is on the screen and am amazed at how competent and put together she is for the age of 17. She has come so far not just in this show, but in life. And suddenly I realized that while she has so much of her father's characteristics and outlooks her mother, Terri, has done one hell of a job.

If I were a real journalist who reached millions of readers, I would want to say exactly what I'm saying on this blog to the family and friends who read me. Kudos to Terri Irwin. She has raised two special people in her daughter Bindi and her son Robert. While everyone may think of Steve Irwin when they watch these two children it has been Terri who has been by their sides helping them become the teens they are today. She did that before and after the death of her beloved husband, and by golly, she deserves praise. These children are as much a part of her as they are her husband. Thank you Terri Irwin. Thank you for doing the job of great mothers everywhere and raising two beautiful, kind, loving, happy, exceptional children who have brought tons of joy to so many others. On my bucket list is to visit your zoo one day when I travel to Australia so that I may tell you that in person. You are my hero.

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

Look who is home!

So very thankful and grateful this holiday for my family gathered around the table and snug in my home and for many, many other things like our health, our ability to travel, our safety, and our freedom. I don't take any of it for granted.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with lots of savory dishes, a warm home, family, and football. Thanks for reading. I am grateful to all of you for doing so.

Out of the mouths of my babes

On Sunday I face-timed Madison to see if she had found a ride to the airport this coming Wednesday. (MY GIRL IS COMING HOME TODAY!!) Darcy and her friend Savanna were both in the room and they joined in too. During our conversation, Darcy piped up to ask her about a text she had sent Darcy.

Darcy: "You never sent me a picture about that pyramid scheme."

Me: "What pyramid scheme?"

Madison: "I got this weird call from some girl who told me I had signed up to learn more about some program. That is entirely possible as people come into our classes all the time giving us papers to sign up for programs and clubs and stuff. I was trying to get to class so I just quickly made an appointment to meet her in the student union at 1:40 pm. She told me there would be a table with folders and I was to find the folder with my name on it and come into the room to hear about the program. Well, I figured there would be food, and I felt guilty since I made the appointment so I went. But I couldn't find any program there. I talked to the guy at the student union, but he couldn't tell me anything. Then the girl called me again and by the time I found her she was sitting by herself at a table with one folder on it. I sat down and listened to her talk about this summer work program. She kept telling me how I would make all of this money. How I would be trained during spring break. She went on and on about business plans and work ethics and all sorts of stuff without telling me what it was all about. Finally I just asked her what kind of business and she said painting houses."

Me: "What? What the heck? Why did you listen to all of this? I'm telling you right now that you are coming home for the summer so don't go getting any other ideas."

Madison: "The job was for me to gather a team together to paint houses in North Carolina. I would write the business plan and be in charge of seeing that my crew painted these houses all summer. This girl said she made $20,000 but I might not make as much. I told her I wasn't a business major and that I lived in Florida. She offered to find me an apartment and then she made me read this booklet of all the plans and rules and stuff."

Me: "Oh, for heaven's sake, why didn't you just tell her you weren't interested?"

Madison: "Because I had walked all the way over to the student union to meet with her. It was funny. I wasn't going to do this. I thought when she handed me the packet to read that would be the end of it, but she told me that was her only copy so I had to sit there and read it. Then she told me I would have to interview for the job. That's how she ended it. I was suppose to email her two reasons why I wanted the job. I said okay, and left and didn't email her."

Darcy: "Excuse me, Madison, by how is that a pyramid scheme?"

Madison: "Because she got made money if I did this."

Darcy: "And how is that a pyramid scheme? There wasn't any building."

Savanna: "Darcy, you don't really think that they were building a pyramid like in cheerleading, did you?"

Darcy: "Uh, yes. Isn't that a pyramid scheme?"

After we finished laughing at her expense...

Madison: "I thought it was weird that you wanted a picture. I thought what picture? One of the folder with my name on it?"

Darcy: "Well, I wanted a picture of you on the bottom of the pyramid."

Madison: "Yep, and that's where I would be if I got hired by this girl."

10 month resolution check

The end is in sight (a year already?)  and I'm already thinking of my next resolutions. I suppose I should stop that and concentrate on this year's. Let's see how I've done.

1. To try something new (whether it be food, an activity, a class, etc.) every two months.- At first I didn't think I had done anything on this one, but I'm going to count my solo trip to see my daughter in college as something new. I planned the trip, flew alone, rented a car, and traveled to another state. That counts. Score: 5
2. To not be so defensive, and to not erupt with anger (yelling) when cornered.  - I have turned a corner with this one, I believe. While I'm not perfect I have done very well on this one. Just last night I realized that I was angry and cross when the real reason for being so was hunger and tiredness. I took deep breaths and tried really hard to rein in my yelling. I didn't succeed perfectly, but I did try.  Score: 10
3. To utilize those damn Wyndham points whether selling points or vacationing myself.  - Haven't sold any recently as people keep leaving it to the last minute, but I did take a trip and so did my brother so points were used. Score: 5
4. To lose the weight I put on last year and to get into shape for Europe.  - Well, Europe is over, but I have tried to lose the weight. I am on Weight Watchers currently, and while the pounds are not shedding as quickly as I'd like, I am eating healthier and exercising so dammit that counts. Score: 8
5. I suppose I should work on the language thing again since it seems to bother others. Hmmm...maybe I should voice it as working on the language thing because it isn't necessary as often as I use it. Yes, I like that. - I'm still doing well on this one. I am tutoring an elementary kid and she makes me put money in a jar every time I mess up. I'm only at a dollar. Score: 8
6. I also like changing up my wardrobe too. My closet is full of stuff I don't wear but once or twice a year and frankly, I'm bored with it all. But the weight has to come off and the body buffed before I can do that so maybe that should be next year's resolution. Hmmmm.... This isn't something that can be done every few months unless I'm rich and I'm not. So this one gets marked off as done.  Score: 10

Total Score: 46 out of 60 - Got to get to work on trying more new things. Maybe Kelly's secret Thanksgiving dish will count this week.

Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ms. Wellington,

I was "surfing the web" the other day and came across a "Nude celebrities"  website. Not being one that usually visits such sites, I was intrigued and decided to explore the website for just a few minutes. I was "surfing" and "hanging ten" when all of a sudden I came across a picture of who I believe is none other than your faithful assistant, Beecham Wintrot! I  never knew! Goodness, he seems to be quite "healthy"! I guess my question to you would be - Is it ever appropriate to wear brown shoes with a black belt?

Color-blind in Cleveland

Dear Color-Blind in Cleveland:

Oh, come on now! You can use all the quotation marks you want but you can't fool Ms. Wellington. I have explored the internet many dozens of times since getting my iMac last year (my nephew Teddy has been showing me how to use it! Thanks, Teddy!). I can say that I never once just "came across" a nudie web site.  And if I had, I certainly would not have been "intrigued" enough to go into the site. I get the feeling from your letter that you are not an innocent victim of innocent surfing.  None the less, Beecham has had to respond to this type of inquiry many times before. He agreed it would be prudent to explain the situation in the column, once and for all so that perhaps it will not be brought up again.  

You believe you saw Beecham on that web site. It's all a simple mistake. He told me the whole horrible story two years ago when I thought I saw a picture of him in the post office. He explained that the post office photo wasn't really him.  You see Beecham has a twin brother, Bram, who was separated at 4 months of age from Beecham and raised by a different family. It's a long story involving an interfaith teenage love affair, a carnival ride operator and a robbery at a full figure clothing outlet in Bismarck, North Dakota and I won't go into more details. Let it be said that Bram did not turn out as fine as Beecham did.  Bram has had trouble with the law, oh it's no secret, and has dabbled with drugs over the years. Beecham is not surprised to find him earning his living in a less than a dignified occupation. Not everyone can land the cushy post of personal assistant to a top website columnist like our dear Beecham has. The last time Beecham heard from Bram was 1993 and that was a phone call from the Knoxville city jail asking for $20.00.  Every time his brother does something illegal, the police come to question Beecham. Beecham has done all he can for Bram. For the sake of poor Beecham's nerves, let us never bring up this subject again.

As for your question about wearing brown shoes with a black belt, that is a question with many possible answers. Unfortunately, there isn't any more room in the column. Ta!

*****

Dear Ruth,

The other day my husband was trying to explain a plumbing problem to me. I was having trouble understanding his explanation of the plumbing problem and he called me an idiot. I am very upset by this statement. Don't you think that was a bit harsh, Ruth? Has any of your husbands every referred to you as an idiot?

Sincerely,
Not An Idiot

Dear Not An Idiot:

None of my husbands ever called me an idiot to my face. That is indeed harsh. Some of the things my former husbands have called me during the heat of the moment:
-selfish cow
-self-absorbed has-been
-evil enchantress
-babycakes
-lovertoes
-swamp witch (even I don't get this one)
-ruthless Ruth
-money-grubbing cold fish
-Kyle

Husbands can say mean things when we women don't understand their manly interests and pursuits. Plumbing is certainly one of those things that should only be taken care of by one's husband or a hired professional. I'll bet you don't know much about imported beers, professional football, stock prices or brake repairs either, but that doesn't make you an idiot. 

I'll bet you know something about style, home decorating, gardening, child-rearing, fashion, and shopping. Who's the real idiot? The one who doesn't understand water pipes or the one willing to go out in public with a turquoise tie, brown corduroy pants and a faded and stained yellow shirt? What would the men do without our intelligence on clothing matters? 

So, honey, my advice is to stop asking questions that you don't really need the answer to. Rely on him to do his husband thing and you do your thing. Does he treat you well other than that one little outburst? If so, then just punish him for his remark by going out with a girlfriend and spending lots of money on an outfit you'll probably only wear once. That'll teach him.
 

*****

Dear Readers:

Speaking of new outfits, I have just purchased one which I will be wearing at my ??th High School Reunion.  Ah, the memories of good ole Milburn Drysdale Preparatory School.   The year of my graduation our football team, the Drysdale Dukes, won the State Championship.  I cheered my hiney off at that game.  Later at the bonfire, I cozied up to the water boy who shared his flask of Southern Comfort with me.  That young, handsome water boy would nine months later become my first husband.  

While I did have a large group of very close friends in high school, some of my classmates did not particularly care for me.  Some claimed I was too attractive and too rich, some envied my superb gymnastics abilities, some felt that I worked too hard helping the community.  But that does not dampen my enthusiasm about seeing the old gang again.   Bygones are bygones.  I hope everyone shows up with a great big smile despite the fact that some of us may have gotten fatter, uglier, older and balder.  We can't all be as lucky as me. 

Because I am attending this reunion, there will be no new column for the week of October 21.  I am also urging all my regular readers to please continue to send in your letters seeking advice.  How can Ms. Wellington help you, if you don't ask?  Ta!

*****

Dear Ruth:

I have been wondering....how was your reunion?  Was your ex-husband there?  Did you two reconnect?  Were you the most famous person there?  Did you run into catty women?  I certainly hope you will "tell all".

A Florida Reader

Dear Florida Reader:

How kind of you to inquire about my long weekend at my high school reunion in the ole hometown. It certainly was an experience. I encourage all of you who have considered attending a reunion to do it at least once. It was a hoot!

My old, old, old friend Cameron Kerwinkle went with me. We flew into Smithville on the Friday before the reunion and were greeted at the airport by my sister Rose, who still lives in Smithville with her two cats. We stayed at the Newbury Inn in beautiful downtown Smithville, and immediately after unpacking, Cameron and I went down to the bar for a jangled-nerve-calming cocktail. I have to admit that we were both a little nervous about the reunion. It has, after all, been many years since I have seen my old classmates. 

Cameron and I were waiting for a friend of ours to arrive at the hotel and we passed the time discussing Cameron's newest mystery novel. It will be published in June 2003. I am so happy she gave up writing those raising-livestock-in-your-backyard guidebooks. Our friend Coutess d'Bujey finally arrived. She is really a very lovely person, but punctuality is not her strong suit. She had just flown in from Boston and had lots of stories to tell. We went out to dinner with Rose and had a few more cocktails before retiring for the night.

The next morning I got a message from my mother, Betty. Her driver James had brought her down to Smithville from the really quite posh retirement village of Sandinista Oaks in Lesterburg where she lives, and we had a lovely breakfast. I know what you're thinking. Ms. Wellington's mother could not possibly be old enough to live in a retirement village. I know, I know. But it is true.

We had to start readying ourselves for the reunion and thank goodness Beecham had reserved the hotel's largest suite. Each of the three of us had our own bedroom and bathroom. We did our hair and makeup and put on the new evening gowns that we had bought just for the occasion. I have to say we looked marvelous! We were giddy with anticipation and two hours of champagne-sipping.

Our reunion was held in one of the banquet rooms of the Newbury Inn. When we walked in a flood of memories washed over me. I recognized people almost immediately. There was Karla Wenchall who had married Hobarth Bing right out of high school, and they were still married and very happy. There was Rudy Nathan who now owns his landscaping business and sports a dramatic Van Dyke. There was Christine and Charlene Buchford, girls I had known since kindergarten but hadn't seen in many, many years. Robert Niggle sat next to me during dinner, and I remembered having a tiny crush on him during my freshman year. I spent quite some time teasing Brad Ike and his lovely wife about my beating him in the 9th-grade co-ed javelin toss tournament for charity. He good-naturedly took my ribbing. Oh, the names and faces and memories! There were far too many to tell you in this column.

As for my ex-husband, Duke, he was not at the reunion, but I did hear some stories and rumors about his activities since our divorce. From what I could gather, he owns and manages a restaurant out in Arizona, has remarried, and is now the grandfather of two beautiful girls. I am glad he settled down after all of these years. I have only the fondest memories of Duke, despite our divorce. He was kind, intelligent, funny, and as they say, "pretty to look at, lovely to hold". Aaah, Duke and I were just too different. Looking back on it now with my hysterical pregnancy scare, and Duke being from the wrong side of the tracks, I can see clearly that it could never have lasted long. Duke, if you are reading this, I still love you in some small way and wish you only the best.

No, there were not really any catty women there and if they were jealous they kept it to themselves. Of course, I was the most famous there.

Monday morning NFL recap - week #11

The Steelers had a bye week so I watched the Buccaneers and Eagles game and my Redzone Channel. I was doing really well on my picks in the first half and then things went the wrong way.
In fantasy I lost Devonte Freeman with a concussion, but did have Doug Martin who ran his little booty off. Ended the night watching the Bengals get beat which helps the Steelers. Not only that, but Andy Dalton and Larry Fitzgerald, nice catch in the end buddy, put me over my competitor to win in fantasy. And that was with one black spot and my kicker on a bye week. Obviously this isn't my pick year, but hello, fantasy football.

1. Fox dubbed this week of football as The Back-ups" due to the large amount of well, back up quarterbacks getting a start. Denver and Indianapolis squeaked by with a win, but the others didn't fair so well on their big days.
2. Five touchdowns was the magic number this week with Carolina's Cam Newton and Tampa's JameisWinston both throwing record tying five touchdowns. Let's hope Winston can keep his head in the game and his name out of the tabloids.
3. I was glad to hear the Fox pre-game guys discuss Peyton Manning with Terry Bradshaw telling Denver's new coach that he should be ashamed for trying to change Manning's style of play."I think Gary Kubiak when he came over should have looked at his guy and said, okay, let's run the offense this guy's been running. I don't think Kubiak was smart in forcing this offense on Peyton." Damn straight Terry. WTH? I blame John Elway. He's only your savior until it isn't working out for him. Manning should have talked to Tim Tebow before believing the crap that spilled from Elway's mouth when he courted Manning. 
4. Part of me wanted John Fox to beat Denver this week as a "stick it in your face" moment. Part of me wanted Denver's back up to have a loss. But the biggest part of me wanted the Broncos to win so that Manning can come back in and go out of the NFL with what he has been accustomed to for most of his career. He deserves that. 
5. Several games came down to the wire and the Redzone channel loves putting all of them on the screen in little boxes at the same time so that your eyes are jumping all over the television. Somehow during all of that confusion I missed Baltimore losing quarterback Joe Flacco who apparently tore some ligaments on his second to last play before kicker Justin Tucker came out to win the game. Add another back up to the roster next week.
6. What I did see in that same game was the Rams quarterback, back up QB Case Keenum, get tackled hard enough that the back of his head hit the turf like a hammer on a nail. He appeared very disoriented when he was helped back up onto his feet and quarterback Nick Foles immediately strapped on his helmet to come in and win the game. Instead Keenum remained in the game and fumbled the ball two plays later. What? Who was on that concussion watch? Somebody is getting fined or fired this week. I'm a novice when it comes to concussions, but even I could see that Keenum's eyes were crossed and his head fuzzy.
7. Dallas' quarterback Tony Romo returned this week from his collarbone injury, and while he wasn't perfect with two interceptions, he did well enough to win against the Dolphins and snap a seven game losing streak for the Cowboys.
8. Once again Tampa's running back Doug Martin had another crazy day ending with 235 rushing yards and giving me over twenty points in my fantasy league. He's like a tiny bullet whizzing through the crowd looking for his target. If only he had been able to make it into the end zone.
9. Have you ever watched the fans at these NFL games? I'm telling you right now these people are nuts. Surely I don't look like that in my living room. Cue Darcy rolling her eyes.
10. I thought Carolina giving Washington a safety with a minute left in the game was bizarre and didn't really get that everyone thought it was classy. Why wouldn't you run the ball out of the end zone and just fall down? Why is giving the other team two points classy?
11. I rolled my eyes all week long at the uproar of Cam Newton's dancing last week after making first downs and after scoring or throwing touchdowns against the Tennessee Titans. One Titan fan was so upset by Newton's dancing she wrote an open letter to him via the newspapers telling him so. As if the Titans have never done anything like that. Look lady, I've never liked the Titans since they stomped on the Steelers Terrible Towel during a game, going too far by wiping their asses with it. Talk about disrespect. If you want to whine about things, get a blog like me!

NFL Picks - week #11

Last week - 3 - 11

Overall - 75 - 72

Jacksonville over Tennessee - Nice to start the week off with a "W" in the win column after my losing debacle of picks last week. Whew.

Atlanta over Indianapolis - No Andrew Luck, but Hasselbeck has proven his worth earlier this year. I just think that the Falcons are better meshed. 

Denver over Chicago - No Peyton Manning this week, but I believe Denver's defense will step up and their offense will too just because they are loyal to PM.

Oakland over Detroit - I think the Raiders are better than the Lions.

Dallas over Miami - Tony Romo is back, but not really back as the shoulder isn't one hundred percent. Still this will lift the offense and pull them ahead of the Dolphins today.

Tampa Bay over Philadelphia - Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston is feeling his oats after last week and suddenly the rest of his team believes in him. He has stepped up as the leader, and I think he will ride that wave over the Eagles today.

Carolina over Washington - I know the Redskins went crazy last week and surprised all of us and that could very well happen again this week, but the undefeated Panthers are at home and that counts for a lot. The Panthers will most likely get beat, but I don't think it will be this week.

St. Louis over Baltimore - I really haven't seen the Ravens play since they beat the Steelers, but I have seen the Rams most weeks. They are a decent football team despite their record and the Ravens are just struggling.

Jets over Houston - I followed the line on this one since I haven't seen much of either of these two teams.

San Diego over Kansas City - The Chiefs always play well against the Broncos and they got Manning benched last week, but this week they will run into a Chargers offense that will be spot on under the leadership and strong arm of Phillip Rivers.

Minnesota over Green Bay - I watched the Packers just let their quarterback get beat up last week and it didn't give me much faith. I thought I was picking the underdog, but apparently the Packers are that this week. Hmmmm....

Seattle over 49ers - I don't even know who the quarterback is that backs up San Francisco's Colin Kaepernick who is now on injured reserve, and since I've never heard of this Blaine Gabbert I didn't have any faith going against the Seahawk defense.

Arizona over Cincinnati - The Bengals finally went down last week, and maybe it's wishful thinking, but I think they go down again this week. 

New England over Buffalo - Maybe Rex Ryan can bring down the champs, but I didn't feel it. 

You're where?

When my friend Jan's daughter began driving Jan would pull up the Find My Iphone App, plug in her daughter's username and password, and find out where her daughter was driving. She did this with her daughter's knowledge. It was the agreement they made when they bought her a car and let her drive off on her own. It was also done because her daughter had no idea where she was driving or going or coming from more than half the time. Her daughter would call her to ask for direction help and would have no idea where she was at that moment so Jan would pull up the app, see where her daughter was, and give the needed directions. Interesting.

Darcy: "What? That's an invasion of privacy."

After reading an article about phone security this summer, I realized that the author had a point when he suggested that all members of a family have each other's usernames and passwords for that very app as it could very well be a way to find a missing child. There were many helpful suggestions about why this was necessary, but the missing child one was enough for me. I made Madison give me her and her sister's information just in case especially since I thought it was a nice way to locate my off-to-college-daughter if need be.

One of the rules that I have with my other daughter, the one with the new driver's license and car, is that she needs to text me when she leaves and arrives at places so I know her plans and her schedules. This really hit home for both of us after her scary incident with a lecherous man at Dunkin Donuts before school one morning. Darcy is very good about texting me when she arrives at school each morning, but one morning I didn't hear from her. She did not respond when I texted her asking if she was at school. I started to panic and had her and her car in a ditch not far from my house bleeding and unconscious. I was working myself up to a frenzy when I remembered the app. I immediately pulled it up, typed out the needed information, and discovered that my daughter was at school. Safely. It was a huge relief.

I only used the app one other time and that was after I heard about a car wreck that was on her route to where she was traveling. I pulled up the app, typed in the information, and discovered she had arrived at her destination and all was well. Whew. I never told her about any of this because I didn't want to hear about the privacy issue again and have to argue my point of it all. I went with the what she doesn't know doesn't hurt either of us.

Last Saturday Darcy was gone all day. She had a choir practice for an upcoming event at school from 9:00 to 5:00 and in between those hours she had to leave the practice to go to work for three hours and then return to school to finish out the practice. She texted me when she arrived. She texted me when she left to go to work and when she got to work. She texted me when she arrived back at school. Her father and I were out and about together running errands when we decided to stop in at a restaurant for an early dinner. The place was a sports bar so Tom could see the Notre Dame game, something he is really into since visiting the school.

We were more than halfway done with our dinner when it occurred to me that Darcy would be expecting dinner when she got home. I mentioned this to Tom who asked me if I had heard from her recently, and I realized that I hadn't. I looked at my watch and saw that it was about time for her to depart the school. I made a comment about how she should be checking in with us and my husband told me to call her. Instead I told him all about the Find My Iphone app that I had used two times previously. For grins I suggested we use it again, and I pulled up her whereabouts.

The dot that shows where the phone is currently residing showed that she wasn't far from where I was eating dinner. Perplexed I pulled the map in closer and tried to pinpoint where the kid was and what she could be doing since the school was further done the road than where the dot was blinking. I was telling this to my husband and a part of me was horrified that my kid was off somewhere doing something without alerting me to the fact. I pride myself on my naivety that my daughter's are good kids, doing good things, and always telling me everything.

I thought perhaps I had done something wrong with the app and started over. This time when the blinking dot appeared it was almost literally on top of where I was currently sitting. I raised my eyes to my husband across the table and exclaimed that I didn't understand where she was or where she might be headed. My husband, who was facing the window, suddenly smiled and said, "She is planning on having something to eat right here in this restaurant." I turned around and sure enough there was my daughter and some choir kids getting out of her car outside the restaurant. Immediately, Tom and I felt very sneaky. We were in the back of the restaurant and decided that we would get in a position to observe her without her knowing. I planned on texting her to check to see if she would be honest. We were parents on the prowl.

Unfortunately, we raised a very observant girl because she spotted our car in the parking lot and marched into the restaurant and right over to our table just as the text hit my phone that she was grabbing a bite to eat at this very restaurant. We had a good laugh at the fact that we were both at the same place at the same time, but Tom and I had an even bigger laugh at the fact that we had known first. Because we invaded her privacy. ?

I use the "Because I'm the parent, that's why" excuse if I feel guilty. Or I plan to if I get caught.

Ask Ruth Wellington

To Ruth Wellington,

I have a friend who is always whining about her job.  She hates it and the people she works with. She has no interest in getting to know anyone and hardly ever talks to anyone in her office.  Yesterday they had a "food day" at her job. She spent the night before slaving over a hot stove to make a half burger/half sausage homemade lasagna with lots of oozing delicious cheese. She worked so hard on it she didn't get any sleep. 

My question is this: Why in the world would she do all of this for people she doesn't even like?

Just curious

Dear Just Curious:

Perhaps your friend is merely a perfectionist in every task she attempts. It doesn't matter to her what other people think. But it does matter to her what kind of job she does.

Perhaps your friend is bored and finds the opportunity to work on a project like a lasagna enjoyable and fulfilling.

Perhaps your friend just enjoys whining. Going to the trouble of making an elaborate food dish for co-workers and the possibility that the co-workers do NOT compliment her on how well she did may give her more things to whine about.

Perhaps your friend is psychologically disturbed. You should distance yourself from someone like that. She could be crazy. 

*****

Dear MSSSSSSSSSSSSS Wellington,

 I have to attend a wedding in two weeks and I just don't know what to get the bride!  Her registry suggests a teasing comb, hot rollers, high lighting kit, or a waxing kit?  What should I get her? Forever having to make choices. Beauty or Common sense.  Help me,

 Girl with a credit card.

Dear GWCC:

What a strange bridal registry! All the gifts you mention seem to be for the bride's use only. What? No salad bowls, gravy boats or toaster ovens?  Could it be that these kind of beauty products are used by men nowadays? In my day, if a man wanted to lighten his hair, he bought a boat, learned to sail and let the sun bleach his locks. Men did not tease their hair, just their younger sisters. A hot roller was the gorgeous man winning big at the craps table.  And waxing was what he did to his roadster.

You do say that you are buying for the bride, but a wedding gift should be for both the bride and groom.  Of the choices you have given me, you will not have to choose between beauty and common sense. The bride has evidently thrown common sense out the window.  She apparently isn't bashful about her "problem areas". Is she especially hairy? Then go for the waxing kit. Does her hair seem limp and lifeless?  Then the teasing comb or the hot rollers would be a good choice. Is she a mousy brunette? Then get her the highlighting kit.  Oh, heck, buy her whatever you want. I find the whole idea of a waxing kit on a bridal registry rather disgusting. If she has hair problems, she should be discussing them with her cosmetician and not advertising them to all her friends and family. I have only two words for this classless lass:

Tack. Eeee.

*****

Dear Ruth,

Yesterday when talking to a friend I tried to remember the name of someone we both know. I'll call him "Greg". For the life of me his name was not coming to me, when suddenly I saw the face of someone (not Greg) and the name of this someone also popped into my head. I had never seen this person in my life.

I'm thinking that I actually must have had an out of  body experience. Could I have maybe jumped into Greg's body and seen what he was seeing? Like perhaps I was seeing the person he was talking to at that moment?

What do you think Ruth?

Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Whew! I had to read your letter 3 times before I started to understand it. So you were thinking of someone, trying to remember that someone's name, when all of a sudden you saw someone else's face.  You did not recognize this face and did not know this person, but for some weird reason you knew this person's name.  Is that correct?

When this happened, were you taking any medications?  I once thought I had an out of body experience, but it turned out to a bad drug interaction between my diuretic, my female hormone pill and Ben Gay. I thought I was the beloved queen of a tiny planet of  half-donkey, half-parrot beings. My son found me on the roof of the garage wearing a garden hose around my waist and a pair of control top pantyhose on my head.  He had quite a time talking me down. What a night!

If you were not taking any medicine, then my only answer to you is yes. You had an out of body experience. Unless it happens again and you get stuck in the other person's body for a day or more, it's nothing to worry about.

*****

Confidential to Dr X:

This is what happens when husbands go off to Africa for a few weeks and leave their wives at home. You need to stay at home more and attend to Mrs. X's needs.  As for what you found at home, it doesn't sound so awful to me. Daring might be a better word for it.

You can either change the color of the carpet or the color of the drapes. A little trimming of the carpet to make it less shaggy might make the whole thing more appealing to you. Your wife is trying to express herself and she needs to find an outlet. If you just can't stand the idea at all, then rip the whole thing out and start over. This time perhaps you and your wife could do it together and both end up satisfied.

*****

Dear Ruth:

I read you every week and love you! But I just had to write to tell you how much I disagreed with your answer to Phone Friend.  Phone Friend wrote to complain about her friend who always made coughing and sneezing noises over the phone. You told Phone Friend that she wasn't a very good friend to complain about her ill friend.  Come on Ms. Wellington! That  friend is disgusting.  I don't care how sick a person is he can cover the phone when coughing or sneezing. At least he could excuse himself during a coughing fit. And what is this friend doing on the phone in the first  place if he is so sick? There are way too many people out their without phone etiquette. If I feel a sneeze coming, I always put the phone close to my chest to muffle the sound when it happens.  The same can be done for a cough or a snort or whatever noise is coming.   I think you dropped the ball on this one, Ms. Wellington.  

A Faithful Reader

Dear Faithful Reader:

You've got a lot of nerve questioning my advice dearie.  I don't see people nationwide clamoring for YOUR advice, do I? Thank goodness that I have an infinite capacity for understanding and forgiveness in my heart.  Okay, let me clarify my answer to Phone Friend.  Sneezing into a phone is Okay, but only if the sneeze came up suddenly and with no warning. The talker should immediately asked to be excused after the sneeze. If you can sense the sneeze coming, press the receiver to a pillow, not your bosom, until it all blows over. 

Snorting can slip out when one is convulsing with laughter at the hilarity of his or her friend's banter. A simple "excuse me" should follow.  Snorting repeatedly and forcefully in an attempt to lodge or dislodge something is not acceptable while talking on the phone.

One should cover their mouth when coughing for no good reason. In the event of a chronically ill person, the caller will have to decide how much coughing they can tolerate. A TRUE FRIEND will excuse the cougher, as the friend knows that the cougher can't help it. And one should ALWAYS cover the phone when clearing one's throat or blowing one's nose.

Speaking of bodily explosions, under no circumstances should someone continue a telephone conversation while using the restroom. If you cannot wait, then offer to call your friend back. I actually knew someone well, her name was Sally M., who would use the bathroom while we were talking. I could actually hear the tinkling in the toilet bowl right in the middle of my telling her about my latest adventure. It was the height of rudeness and caused a rift in our friendship that no amount of Sunday afternoon drinking and card-playing has been able to completely mend as yet.

Monday morning NFL recap - week #10

Steelers: Back up Big Ben coming off the bench? Priceless.

• Ben Roethlisberger got out of his boot early this week and and was able to get in some limited practice. Fans suspected he would be inactive today, get the bye rest next week, and be back for the last six games. Instead he was suited up on the field and listed as the back up quarterback. First play of the game the Steelers catch a break, recover a Johnny Manziel dropped football, and are pumped. Three plays later starting quarterback Landry Jones goes down and is carted off the field, and suddenly back up Ben is in the game. WTH? 
• Normally Antonio Brown is next in line for quarterback after all of our quarterbacks, but when the announcers told us that Heath Miller was next in line for the day I just threw my hands up into the air. Luckily, it all worked out and Miller never had to play QB. Crazy.
• For sure, Antonio Brown loves Big Ben throwing him the ball. For sure Big Ben loves throwing the ball to AB. Brown's stats: 139 yards receiving. Roethlisberger stats: 379 yards passing. That pairing is money for sure, and as long as they both are in the game we are good, but seriously, let's share the wealth in case things don't go as planned. Like, uh, it has so far this year.
• Brown with the somersault in the end zone? I've said it a million times; stop it! It looks great on replays when it works, but more times than not it can hurt. Score and then somersault all you want.
• Six sacks on Cleveland's' Johnny Manziel, and that was without powerhouse James Harrison. So fun when we play well.
• A great win for the 10th anniversary of the Steelers 5th Super Bowl win!
• Roethlisberger to Cleveland: "I could have been yours for the taking!" But nope.

Other: Yep, this week for sure was not my week in picks (or in fantasy...I mean I SAT Roethlisberger). It wasn't a week for home teams either. Crazy great games though. A fun football week.

• Tampa Bay's Mike Evans tries the AB somersault in the end zone not long after Brown's success and WHAT? He loses the ball and doesn't get the score. Stop that crap!
• Peyton Manning leads the league in interceptions this year, but he did make the 3 yards needed to secure his place in history. All time leading passer in the NFL. Then he threw four interceptions and the coach benched him. Wow. Cringe. Not sure what is wrong, but I pray he can come back from whatever it is.
• How great was Cam Newton's one handed stretch over the line to secure the touchdown against the Tennessee Titans? Not only did he put it out once, twice, but three times to get those refs to raise their hands. Unbelievable.
• What has happened to the Packers? I got to see the last quarter of their game against Detroit. I thought the Steelers O line was bad, but poor Aaron Rogers was knocked on the ground at least ten times, once with a hit to the legs. I thought they were going to come back there after they recovered the onside kick, but alas, the kicker couldn't get it between the uprights. Holy wild game!
• Dallas had a chance after recovering Tampa's Jameis Winston's fumble, but a holding penalty offset that fumble and Winston ran in one yard for the TD after Mike Evans fumble one play earlier with a stupid somersault. The Ravens had a shot to win their game, but a face mask penalty with no time on the clock allowed Jacksonville to move forward 15 yards, gave them another play and they kicked a 53 yard FG to win. Do these players just not read the NFL manual?
• When it looked like the Patriots were going to make a mark in the "L" column the Giants defense couldn't hold back the offense. Pooh.
• The Redskins winners? The Lions winners?  The Jaguars winners? Crazy week.

NFL picks - week #10

Last Week - 7-6

Overall - 71 - 62

Jets over Buffalo - I had the Bills first thinking that Rex Ryan would want to kick ass, but then at the last minute I switched. My bad. Ryan did want to win.

Green Bay over Detroit - Packers are at home. No way they lose.

Carolina over Tennessee - I keep waiting for Cam Newton and company to make mistakes, but so far they and the Bengals just keep tootling along.

St. Louis over Chicago - My toss up game. Went with the home team.

Philadelphia over Miami - The Dolphins disappointed me last week so I'm mad at them. 

Pittsburgh over Cleveland - Ben's our back up this week, but I hope we come out fired up and ready to win.

Dallas over Tampa Bay - My game where I wish I had picked the other team. 

New Orleans over Washington - The Redskins could pull off this game, but Drew Brees is smokin' hot.

Baltimore over Jacksonville - Another toss up. Went with the home team.

Oakland over Minnesota - From what I saw last week the Raiders aren't the same team as the last five years, and I wasn't sure what the status would be with Teddy Bridgewater's concussion. 

Denver over Kansas City - Now that the undefeated season is over I expect these guys to play some football.

New England over the Giants - The Patriots are still mad about last season's football psi debacle and that anger is carrying them on. Gotta admire that determination. 

Seattle over Arizona - Yes, the Cardinals are likely to take this game, but I keep holding out for the Seahawks to find their groove.

Cincinnati over Houston - Ah, the undefeated Bengals. They will get their loss, but it won't be this week.

Dr. Cara

As my children started getting older I tried to steer them toward careers I felt would pay them well enough to take care of their mother in her later years. Or at least one where I could work with them. The careers I thought fit them best were dermatology, dentistry, and optometry. No late hours. No on call. Minimal years of medical school. Of course, both girls turned up their noses on those, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Recently I took Darcy to a dermatologist for a small lump below her shoulder. The lump appeared over a year ago, but recently increased in size and so her pediatrician referred us to a dermatologist. This time I went to the doctor he recommended, unlike last time. This dermatologist is a pediatric dermatologist, although he also takes adults. I loved him. He came into the room smiling and joking. He talked to Darcy about swimming and school. He talked to me about our pediatrician, who happens to be my friend SueG's brother, and about my trip to Myrtle Beach. He hopped up on the table with Darcy and oohed and aahed over her lump. He squeezed it, declared it infected, and put her on medication. After learning she still had a couple of weeks of swimming left, he agreed to take out what he believed was a cyst after districts. We made the appointment and went home where she dutifully took the antibiotic for two weeks.

By the time we returned this Monday for the surgery the lump was back to its pin size. I had to go into the office to get Darcy from school as the doctor performs surgery before school is over. It was pouring down rain and since the students are in portables due to a new school being built the attendance woman told me she couldn't release Darcy.

I was already nervous about going through another removal of a lump on Darcy considering the last experience, and telling me I couldn't have my child set me off. I looked the woman in the eyes and told her she certainly would let me have my kid as she was due for surgery in thirty minutes. Either my stern, confident authoritative voice convinced her, or she recognized me from all the volunteering I do there, but she told me to call Darcy and have her come up on her own.

Apparently, to get a child out of a portable an office helper is supposed to go and get her, but someone slipped once during a rainstorm and now the protocol is to leave the students in their rooms. It makes for a long day of math class if it rains all day. Darcy was relieved when I called.

We arrived at the office earlier despite the school hassle. Darcy had to undress and put on what she called a paper crop top and a surgical hat to hide all of her hair. She lay on the table on her stomach and the nurse prepped her arm. The doctor came in whistling and asked Darcy if she liked Taylor Swift. He cued up music from his Iphone and the two of them discussed Taylor's music and her recent concert in Tampa. He then poked around on her arm searching for the lump. I remarked that it had decreased in size since the antibiotic, but he located it and oohed and aahed over it again. The nurse asked Darcy if she was comfortable and told her to make sure she was because she would be in the position for thirty minutes.

Doctor: "Pfft. I say I can do this surgery in twenty minutes."
Nurse: "Twenty? You sure?"
Doctor: "Twenty minutes, twenty-two minutes tops."
Me: "I'll time you."
Darcy: "How about we all take this seriously?"

He numbed her up, left the room for awhile, came back and proceeded to surgically remove the cyst.

I was in the perfect position to watch it all. He jabbed at her to make sure she was numb. He explained to us how he would cut and then he did it. He made the 3 cm. incision and poked around inside her arm with some tweezer-like apparatus. The entire time he talked;  about his family, about his wife doing a local reality show, about the artists playing on his Iphone. He kept asking Darcy questions about her life. He kept her calm and he kept me calm. Eventually, he pulled out the cyst. It was about the size of a nickel. It took longer to stitch her up then it did to get the cyst out because he stitched inside the incision and then stitched it closed on the outside. Darcy was a champ.

Doctor: "This is going to hurt by this evening. Do you want some pain medication? Tylenol with codeine?"
Me: "She has a pretty good pain thresh hold. I'm sure Advil will suffice."
Doctor: "I'll write something anyway since she hasn't had surgery before. I'd hate for you to call me late at night asking for something then."
Darcy: "Yeah, I watch too much teenage television. I'm scared I'll get addicted."

We were out the door in less than an hour. We got the medication filled, but she didn't take any. Now we have to wash the wound twice a day and bandage it back up. Thankfully, we have a basket load of products due to my mother's foot wound. Today Darcy called to tell me that the bandages were coming off. Since there isn't a daily nurse at school I had to drive over with my medical bag. The sun was shining so the attendance woman sent an office kid to retrieve Darcy, and I bandaged her up in the office bathroom.

That's two surgeries now under my belt, one in dermatology and one in podiatry. Who needs my kids to specialize in areas when I'm obviously capable of doing it myself? I'll talk to my dentist soon to see if he needs me to assist with any oral surgery.

Ask Ruth Wellington

Dear Ruth,

I have a friend who is always coughing, hacking, sneezing, snorting, and making horrible noises when I am on the phone with her. I know she has some health problems, but don't you think she should cover the receiver when making these noises?

-----Phone-A-Friend

Dear Phone-A- Friend:

What kind of friend are you??? Your friend obviously has health problems and cannot help making those unpleasant noises. You should really be more sympathetic and understanding. I'm sure your friend is a perfectly refined person on those occasions when she isn't sick.

If it really bothers you that much, stick to emailing or take up old fashioned letter writing. (No one writes letters anymore, except of course to me! A lost art indeed.) 

*****

Dear Ms. Wellington-

I am desperately seeking your advice. I have recently become involved with the hottest, sexiest man on the planet-- things were GREAT for a couple weeks, but as soon as we became sexually intimate, he became distant. I'd like to get things back the way they were. Is this relationship doomed?

-----Ready for Love,

    the Blonde (B) Movie Star

Dear Blond Movie Star:

I could be a "good" role model and advise you that good girls don't have sex before marriage, why buy the cow when the milk is free, and all that sort of thing, but you've already gone and done the dirty deed. So here's some practical advice.

When you say "things were great" for a couple of weeks in the beginning, what exactly do you mean? Was he hot? OK. He was sexy? OK. And then you two had sex, and he became distant...hmmm. Well, I hate to be indelicate, not knowing you all that well, but how are your bedroom skills? As Mr. Hendrix used to ask, are you experienced? Do you keep yourself up, dear? You know, makeup, nice hair, trim figure, well-fitting bras that lift and separate to cross over to a better figure? If so, then something went wrong with the sex.

This relationship was apparently pure physical attraction, and perhaps he was let down with that first experience. He must have been interested in you since he hung around for weeks waiting for the green light from you. It's hard to say since you didn't give me much to go on.

The best advice I can give you is to secretly join a sex therapy group. There you can hone your womanly skills and learn some new and titillating techniques. Now don't be embarrassed to raise your hand during class and ask lots of questions. If you don't ask, how will you learn? Then, after you complete your sessions, invite Mr. Hottie over for a romantic and sexy evening to show off your new "education."

If he is still distant after that, then there can be only one possible answer. Based on my previous experience, and I have MANY, you were obviously his last best chance to try to prove to himself that he's not gay. And it didn't work.

Keep your chin up and your skirt down, darling, and you'll eventually find the right guy.

*****

Dear Ruth Wellington:

I'm heading off to visit a friend next month. While making plans, I suggested parasailing along the beach. When my friend declined, I reminded him that he could tamper with the rope so that the rope would break and I would sail away while I was up in the air. Instead of laughing, he said, "It would almost be worth the money to see that happen." I was very hurt by this, Ruth. I imagined floating off into the sunset until nothing but a dot remained, and I could just see my friend dusting off his hands and heading back home. Should I be offended? Should I now go parasailing with him, or do you think I've just given him an idea?

Hurry with your answer, dear Ruth, as I've only got a month.

-----Should I be a Balloon Girl

Dear Balloon Girl:

I am sure your friend was kidding, just as you were kidding. And I don't think you should go parasailing with your friend. This friend obviously does not want to go. However, if you insist on parasailing while on this visit, I would have a lawyer draw up a will for you before you go. It wouldn't hurt to write out a letter detailing this joking conversation you had with your friend, sealing the letter in an envelope, and giving it to your lawyer or maid with instructions for it to be opened upon your death.

I once had a paramour of mine make a joke about putting poison in my wine. Although I was sure he was joking, don't think for a minute that I didn't check every glass for white residue before drinking. He never did poison me, and we enjoyed almost a year together before his tragic archery accident. 

*****

Dear Ruthie,

I just found out that my sister is sneaking off to Scotland and England and meeting her daughter and son-in-law in London and that they got some kind of fantastic deal on the whole trip, like for almost nothing, and I am hurt and feeling very left out because no one invited me. I never learned how to drive a stick shift car, and that could be part of the problem because that is about the only type of car you can rent overseas, and my sister gets irritated with me when she has to drive all the time and on the other side of the road to boot. But her son-in-law is very talented and can probably drive on the wrong side and do a stick shift. Do you think it would be worth my while to rent or borrow a stick shift and practice? 

But I think it would be dangerous to practice driving on the wrong side here in the USA. This has all just been going round and round in my head, something like the way you have to drive those "roundabouts" in the wrong direction on the wrong side with a stick shift, and I have had to increase my depressing medications. I don't know if my niece is the one who didn't want me. She is not exactly one of those New England brahmins like the Lowells who "speak only to God," but she IS a Boston lawyer, and you know how they are. I always send her money on her birthday, so I feel like I kind of keep her on a retainer.

Well, howsoever that may be, I am having trouble understanding why they wouldn't want me. And I can speak the language of those countries pretty good and know about Robert Burns and Shakespeare and all. Which makes me think, did they ever figure out who wrote that stuff, Shakespeare or Bacon? I've always liked a good mystery like that, and I usually can figure out who did it before I get to the end. They are leaving in November, and I wonder if you think I should get them all Christmas presents just like I'm not upset or whatever and just bite my tongue and ask about how they liked their trip if I see them at Christmas?

-----Left Behind

Dear Left Behind:

My, my, where to start? First, the easy things. According to visiteurope.com, it is possible to rent an automatic transmission car in Europe. It costs a little more, but you could offer to pay the difference, seeing as you are the one who can't drive the manual transmission. I would definitely urge you NOT to practice driving on the wrong side of the street here in America. I would not even suggest that you try to learn how to drive a stick shift. Based on your letter (no wonder you are taking medicine to depress you), you seem like the nervous type, and nervous women have no business driving stick shift cars.  

My friend Constance Jane would be upset with me if I did not also take the time to correct your grammar. You do not speak languages "pretty good" (apparently not). You may someday speak languages well or fairly well or generally well.

I looked up some poems by Robert Burn, whom you mention, thinking they may have some wisdom to offer you. This passage from "Address to a Haggis" caught my eye:

Then, horn for horn, they stretch n' strive:

De'il tak' the hindmost! on they drive,

Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve

Are bent like drums;

Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,

"Bethankit" hums.

On the other hand, perhaps that won't be as helpful as I thought it would. You also make some mention of Shakespeare really being Bacon. My dear, Shakespeare lived hundreds of years ago. Kevin Bacon is still with us, and he is a movie star, not a playwright. Kevin Bacon has never even portrayed Shakespeare in a movie or mini-series, to my knowledge. 

You also mention the New England Brahmins. The only Brahmin I know in New England is the Brahmin Leather Works in Fairfield, Massachusetts, makers of fine leather purses and other leather products. You can find them at www.store.brahminusa.com.

Let's get down to the bottom line. None of what I have said above will help you with your dilemma, which, as I understand it, is your hurt at not being invited on this European trip and wondering whether you should give these people presents at Christmas time. Yes, of course, you should give them presents. You don't know their reasons for not extending the invitation to you. Get them gifts as if nothing happened (because nothing really did), ask them about their trip with a smile on your face, and take in the inevitable slide show. Be gracious and act interested. After all, the baby Jesus would want you to, and it is his birthday after all.

Then at some point in your time gathered together, when you have had enough mulled wine to pickle a manatee, lash out viciously at them and demand to know why they intentionally hurt you like this. OF COURSE, I am kidding with this last piece of advice, but it would make a fascinating scene to watch.