Echo, make me a smoothie

I realized that I didn't post my Christmas gifts this year, and since I've been using my two favorite gifts since that time, I thought I'd pass these little gems along..

The entire month of December I shopped on Amazon, and every time I logged on to their site, the Echo popped up. It was also heavily featured in several holiday commercials, and so I decided I wanted one. Then Google introduced their version, played their own holiday commercials, and it convinced me even more that I needed one of these contraptions.

Friend: "But what does it do?"

I had no idea. I then had to research it because, hello, I live with a man who researches everything, and I have learned well. I read about Amazon's Echo and then read about Google's Home. I compared the two, and realized that neither one of them would really work in my house because I don't have a smart home and without all those other synced contraptions these devices are simply speakers. I gave up on my obsession.

But then I got one! Tom got some deal on them and ordered three Echo Dots, one for each of the women in his household. While I felt this a bit excessive, I understand why now. People, you need to have these in every room of the house!

Madison took hers to college, but Darcy and I use our Echo Dots here at home; mine is in the living room and hers is in her room. Unfortunately, for us, her room is right next to the living room so each time we said "Alexa" to our respective Echo Dots they both lit up and obeyed our commands, usually seconds apart. It was like having...well...an echo. (Insert emoji here because I didn't plan that) So I researched ways to stop that nonsense, and discovered I could change my command to awake from "Alexa" to "Echo" and now we don't have that problem. You can also change it to "Amazon", but that conjures up another picture in my head, and so I went with the object.

My Echo Dot connects to a Bluetooth speaker that I also got for Christmas. It makes her responses louder, and I can hear it outside on my front porch too with the window open. Otherwise, the voice just comes out of the dot which is just fine too. It is voice activated and will "wake up" to "Echo". I'm still learning all of the tricks of my dot, but the best thing for our family is the music. Oh, the music that has come back into our lives. This usually happens around resolution time when my husband feels he hasn't enjoyed music enough and makes it his priority for the new year. This year he subscribed to Amazon Music and it is full of all sorts of music genres. Want to hear a song that you've read about or heard on the radio? Just ask Echo and she will play it. Recently, I learned how to make playlists in my music file and Echo happily plays those for me, shuffling them if I ask. It is never quiet in my house now during the day.

Echo Dot can do other things as well, but her knowledge is limited. Ask her the weather somewhere in the world and she is on it. She is great with sport scores, telling time, and working closely with your Iphone, but ask her something like the difference between echo dot and google, and she simply will admit defeat. I'm sure this is where Google Home would surpass Echo, but hey, I can also order Amazon gifts using Echo so its good no matter. She can also play games, and while I've downloaded some of those, I haven't been able to go without the music long enough to try them out.

The only downside that I've found is that everyone wants to fight over playing their music. Darcy will come home from school and tell Echo to stop playing my music and then will tell it to play her latest obsession, the soundtrack from Dear, Evan Hanson.

Me: "Hey! You have your own damn Echo."
Darcy: "But yours is right here where we all congregate."

My second favorite gift that I use daily is my Hamilton Beach Single Serving Smoothie Maker. I saw this thing online and knew immediately that I needed it. The thing I hate about using my blender or my old smoothie maker is the clean up. Yee Gads, cleaning those things is like cleaning the toilet. It takes forever and there are too many parts and nooks and crannies. This little single maker is just perfect because there are only three parts, the motor, the plastic container, and the lid. Bam. Simple

I plug the sucker in each morning, add yogurt, almond milk, a fruit and maybe some spinach, throw in some ice cubes, put the lid on and push the button. It grinds and spins and before I know it I have a healthy drink to sip on my way to the gym.

But the great thing about this...the plastic container comes off and is your glass! Yep, no need to pour into another container just unlock and go.

My kids didn't like that the blade mechanism is at the bottom of the "cup", but it doesn't bother me one bit. I drink my smoothie usually in the car or at home so I can't attest to strange looks, but I love it. When I'm finished, I clean two items and turn them upside down to air dry. I bought mine on Amazon for $14. Target and Walmart both sell them for that price too, and I think it also comes in more colors now then when I bought mine. The pink was the cheapest on Amazon so that's how I ended up with that one. I put the item on my wishlist, but when I didn't find it under the tree I bought it myself I had the dog empty his piggy bank to get it for me.

Sometimes the best gifts come are the ones you buy yourself the dog purchases.

He said, she said, and they both have holes in the middle

I am terrible at directions. Anyone who knows me will tell you this. Somewhere in my education I missed out on geography and direction. The geography portion drove my mother nuts. She asked me once what I pictured in my head when I heard the word, "Ethiopia", a country heavily in the news in my day. I told her the truth; the word, "Ethiopia". To her credit, she just walked away from me and screamed in another room.

The direction portion drove my entire family nuts. My father took it in stride and tried to work with me to no avail. My mother and my brother would just yell at me and make me feel stupid. "How can you not know where you are?" they'd exclaim in utter disbelief. My nephew, he then at the age of three, could find his way around town better than I could. Ask my sister about the time I got us horribly lost in my hometown one night after leaving a movie theater, and she will burst out laughing. A jaunt home that should have taken us ten minutes instead took us over an hour, and is now part of our family lore.

Nothing has helped. I am a learner who pictures everything in her head for processing. Thus when words like "south" and "north" are used, I have no obtainable picture like I do when I hear "left" and "right". (I see arrows, if you're interested) I'm one of those people who give directions like Dirks Bentley does in the song Good Directions; ..."way up yonder past the caution light, there's a little country store with an old Coke sign...a left will take you to the interstate and a right will bring you right back here to me." I mean, people, that's a picture one can grab a hold of in her head. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm hopeless when it comes to getting from point A to point B without memorization or, hello, new world, electronic assistance.

Yesterday, during my weekly breakfast with my friend, Jim, he started telling me about a Japanese restaurant not far from our houses. Jim lives to the right south of me, and he asked if I knew where the restaurant was located. I didn't and he felt the need to expound on its location.

Jim: "You go down to the corner, you know, where the Publix, is on the right."

Immediately, in my brain, I left my house, driving in my van( in my head), and took a left out of my street. I don't know why, but I did. He wasn't specific about that, and that's where I went in my mind. I went left and down to the corner where there is a Publix on the right side of the road. Note: Read this to understand that Publix is everywhere in my vicinity. 

Jim: "You know, where the bagel shop is on the left?"

At the same corner, where I was traveling in my head, there is a Panera Bread. I naturally assumed he meant this bagel shop, and so I nodded, wondering where he could possibly be going from here since I knew of no place where a Japanese Restaurant could be hiding.

Jim: "Okay, well in that same strip mall right before you get to the bagel shop, right after the light, is that coffee shop."

What? That stopped me. Light? There is a light after I turn out of my subdivision, but it is closer to my neighborhood than it is to the Publix and bagel shop, and thus confusion set in. Immediately, knowing myself, I made some inquires.

Me: "Wait. What light? There isn't a light."
Jim: "Yes, there is."
Me: "Okay, wait, start again. I go past Publix, right? You're talking about the light after Publix?"
Jim: "No. You go down the road until you get to the light and the Publix."

I tried to picture this, but it wasn't happening. That's when it dawned on me that I might have turned the wrong way out of my subdivision.

Me: "Wait. You're talking about the Publix at the corner of such and such road?"
Jim: "Yes. That's the Publix closest to my house."
Me: "I'm sorry. I went the wrong way. I was down at the corner of here and there."
Jim: "Why would I be talking about that way? My Publix is down the other way."
Me: "Okay, well you didn't say "your Publix". And that's my Publix too, but I just went the other way. Wait. What bagel shop is down that way?"
Jim: "It's across from Publix. In that strip mall after the light."

And suddenly I got it. I knew exactly where he was, but the shop he was referring to was, for me, a donut shop. Suddenly I was laughing until I was crying.

Jim: "What's so funny about that?"
Me: "That's the difference between a skinny guy and a fat girl. You refer to it as a bagel shop, but I refer to it as the donut place. That's hilarious."

And I was off laughing again. As were the people around us who had been listening to our conversation. My companion didn't find the humor in it. He thought I was nuts for traveling in the wrong direction in my head.

Me: "Yeah, well, you should have said south. I would have known then."

That was partially true. I have learned and memorized "north" and "south" out of my neighborhood, but honestly, if he had said "donut shop" instead of "bagel shop" I would have known I had gone the wrong way and would have turned around...in my head.

Jim: "Well, I said, "bagel shop" because you're on a diet. So there."

He always has to have the last word.

Last entry on showering

A couple of weeks ago Madison called me on a Friday via Facetime. We always talk this way so I can see her and observe her face and her reactions. It just makes me feel better. Plus, I get to show her the dog and they can communicate. Oh, and the rest of her family. So, Madison called and started off the conversation by telling me that school had been cancelled that Friday at 1:00 pm because the city was having a water issue.

Madison: "Apparently, their supply is low."
Me: "What? Low? How did that happen?"
Madison: "A pipe broke."

She said she had gone to a coffee shop and had eventually been kicked out as they were closing. She went to the library and eventually they too kicked her out. Because the water supply was so low the city was asking everyone to not use the water until the issue could be fixed. Because we Floridians have an aquifer, we know all about low water supply. We also know that when that happens sometimes we have to boil our water just to be on the safe side. So I mentioned this to my daughter who assured me that wasn't the problem in North Carolina.

Madison: "We aren't suppose to flush the toilets unless we have a jug of bottled water."
Me: "I'm assuming most of you college students don't have that.
Madison: "We're just not flushing."
Me: "Says the youths of today who don't realize that eventually there will be a smelly problem."
Madison: "Maybe I should have taken your poopouri."

We continue talking, but every four minutes or so her phone would beep with a new alert regarding the water issue. By the time we had finished catching each other up on things, the water situation in the city was declared a state of emergency. Now everyone was being told NOT to drink the water, and the health department had shut down all of the restaurants. The city was literally becoming a ghost town. The university told students to leave if at all possible for the weekend as the dining halls were shut down.

Madison: "It really sucks because I was going to shower earlier since I haven't showered since Monday."

WHAT? I was sure I had heard this wrong. Of course, I didn't calmly ask her to repeat this, but instead immediately jumped on to that statement like a flea on a dog.

Me: "WHAT? YOU HAVEN'T SHOWERED SINCE MONDAY? ARE YOU CRAZY? WTH? WHY HAVE YOU NOT SHOWERED. OMG! YUCK!"
Madison: "Well, maybe it was Wednesday. I can't remember."

My OCD went out of control. I immediately felt like showering just on hearing that this kid had not had a shower in five days. See what I mean about losing control of your children? She, of course, just laughed. She was too busy for something like cleaning her body. She pulled out some strands of hair and smelled them.

Madison: "My hair smells fine. Actually, it smells good. It must have been Wednesday. But, I really don't remember doing that then. It might have been Monday."

At this point, I was hyperventilating. I thought vaguely of hopping on a plane just to bath her myself, but the knowledge of the water emergency stopped me from spending that exorbitant fee. She told me she had washed her face each evening and morning, and had wet her hair and used some kind of product on it daily. I shuddered. I asked when she had cleaned her sheets last, and was faintly surprised to find she had done that more recently than she had bathed. Of course, those sheets weren't clean any more! Oh, and she assured me she had brushed her teeth. She just hadn't cleaned the rest of her body.

Madison: "I was going to shower today after class, but then the water thing happened. It's not like I didn't plan on getting clean. Shouldn't you be more worried about what I'll eat for dinner?"

Dinner? I wasn't even sure how she could eat not being clean. I had to let it go, but not before suggesting a spit bath using bottled water and antibacterial soap. Four hours later she called again to update us. She took us through the deserted dorm building showing us all of the health department signs on each bathroom, water fountain, kitchen, etc. warning all sorts of dire things if used. Walmart had donated cases of bottled water to the university and one hundred porta potties had been brought in and set up in the parking lots around campus. She took us outside to show us the set up, porta potties with large, bright security lights shining down on them.

Madison: "It's hilarious. You can just look all around and spot the potties from the bright spot lights."

Most of the kids went home. Madison had run into the guy from California in her dorm who has to stay like she does during four day weekends. He inquired on whether she had enough water and they seemed to be the only ones in the damn dorm. I hoped he had showered in the last few days. She told me she didn't ask him, nor did she mention she hadn't had a shower since Monday.

The next day her roommate's parents came and hauled the girls back to their house for the weekend. I'm assured the first thing my daughter did was to shower. Twice.

Question/Answer session from yesterday

First, before I start the rest of my showering story (and because I was under the weather today) I had an email from a friend of mine who reads my blog...shout out to Kim, thanks so much for reading! She and her husband are wrong morning shower people, and her husband had a few questions. He also wanted a more recent picture of me bathing. Hello, buddy, this is a family blog for heaven's sake! And trust me, no one wants to see that. Those fat rolls on my baby body are way better than the ones on me now!

(Although I'm not going to lie. I contemplated putting my face on a sexy woman showering, but then I remembered what I said earlier, family blog. Well, except for the naughty language. Darcy: "Oh, please, mom, I'm in high school.")

Question # 1 - Do I put on clean underwear in the morning?
Answer - I certainly hope this is a question of whether or not I wear underwear to bed because who in their right mind would put back on the underwear they wore the day before? (I also don't wear any of the clothes I wore the night before,) First, I wear underwear to bed. Secondly, yes I put on a fresh pair in the morning. Lastly, while I'm not sure what that has to do with showering in the morning, I do realize that the underwear thing is another OCD issue for me because I would not be able to get through the day if I had to wear the underwear I wore to bed. Hmmm... Plus, I can re-wear my pajamas for several days because I went to bed clean.

Question #2 - What about when I sweat at night?
Answer - This is a good question and one I almost put in the last entry. I'm a menopausal woman so of course, the hot flashes lead to sweating in the night. I also live in Florida with Jack Sprat as my husband, and while he tolerates the overhead fan and the one by my bedside, he refuses to allow me to lower the a/c to 60 degrees. When, and it isn't every night, I sweat I do rinse off in the shower in the morning. Meaning, I jump into it and swipe my body thoroughly with soap to take off the stink. There are also a few other times I shower in the morning. I did mention yesterday that I sometimes shower in the morning, and while I'm happy to discuss this here because nothing truly embarrasses me, some of my family members readers would be horrified . No matter. Even if I do shower in the morning, I always have also showered the night before too.

Question #3 - Don't you want to shower after drooling on your pillow? 
Answer - What? Who says I drool? My suggestion to those who plan to get smart and start showering at night and drool is to do what I mentioned in the last entry; wash your face. Washing your face, with or without a wash cloth each morning, will wipe that drool right off of your face. But, and this is important, then you must change your pillow case.

Now, I have a friend who is a worse body clean freak than I am. She showers in the night and showers in the morning. She finds it disgusting that I don't do the same, and she too brings up questions. Most of her questions have to do with the topics I didn't mention in #2, but she also has this one:

Question #4 - What about cleaning off the dead skin that scuffs off in the night?
Answer - At this point, after listening to my friend's other issues regarding showering a million times, I just start laughing at this question. I turn it back to the reason why I shower at night. We shed 40,000 skin cells a day (according to the Internet) so I shower that all off prior to sleeping. I should probably be more concerned about washing my sheets each week, the recommended minimum, due to all the cells, mites, and lotion deposits that I'm leaving behind. But then again, she does this herself, and is horrified at my every other week washing. I'm never going to win this topic with her because she showers both morning and night. Who can argue with that?

I researched some more articles on showering morning vs. showering at night, but came up with nothing that I hadn't already covered. Mostly, it's a personal issue. It's just that night shower people are better. That's all.

Night shower people are golden

I shower at night. I always have, at least as long as I can remember. Or maybe I should say as long as I've been in charge of the cleaning of myself. Because obviously, I was not in charge of this day time bath out in the yard.

I actually have OCD in regards to bathing. I can not, and I mean this truthfully, go to bed without showering and shaving my legs. Can't do it. I will not sleep. I will have anxiety. I will, well, who knows what will happen because I haven't not showered every night. The last time I remember not doing so was 27 years ago. I'm not kidding.

I don't understand not bathing before going to bed. It makes no sense to me, and so, of course, I raised my kids this way. Just like not feeding them beets or tomatoes or the other various foods I refuse to eat, I did not let them go to bed without a bath as long as I controlled their cleanliness. Of course, the day came when they took over that duty, but I felt I gave them a strong core with which to work with; you get dirty during the day, clean your body.

My husband, and pretty much everyone else I know, showers in the morning. I get it. There are days that I enjoy a nice shower in the morning. It is invigorating, wakes me up, and feels darn nice, but even if I do happen to climb in there in the morning, be rest assured that I also showered the night before. I have had many arguments regarding this topic, and recently, my friend Kelly tagged me on Facebook with 17 Reasons Why The People Who Shower At Night Are The Right Ones. Under that heading, was this: It just makes sense to go to bed clean. YES! YES! I've said this for years, people. Why do you go to bed dirty? Here are a few of the reasons they listed:

1. You don't have to get up as early - Nope. I can actually sleep the extra time it takes to shower in the morning.
2. Wash your face in the morning to wake up - Studies show that washing the face is just as good at waking you up. I pee, brush my teeth, and end my morning bathroom routine by throwing handfuls of water on to my face.
3. You have bedhead, but that's what buns are for - When I was a teenage, I styled my hair after showering. My dad use to tell people I did it "in case I met someone in my dreams". Later, I just use to stick my head under the sink to wet my hair and then I dried it. Now, I'm just naturally gorgeous so it doesn't matter. Either that, or I do put up my hair.
4. We are experts at getting ready quickly - Oh, yes. No one can believe how quick I am at getting dressed and out the door in the morning while looking like a million bucks. Okay, well, maybe that is exaggerated, but I am speedy keen on getting ready.
5. More time in the morning means I eat breakfast - Hmmm...okay, sure.
6. Our sheets stay clean longer - This is true, at least on my half of the bed. The other half, uh, no. Because I married a morning shower person. His idea of bathing in the evening is swimming laps in the YMCA's pool, and I'm not kidding about that either.
7. It unwinds us for a great night's sleep - I believe this wholeheartedly. If I don't shower, I don't sleep.
8. We get to spend as much time as we want in the shower - Because the only thing we have waiting for us is our bed!
9. We hang out in our towel longer - Because we have no where to go, we can run around in our towel as long as we want. (Uh, okay, I don't do that, but sure, I could).
10. We get to blow dry for comfort - The picture that accompanied this one was of a woman showering her lower body hair which cracked me up. Who thinks of these things? The caption below it said something about how those you live with love when you loudly blow dry at 11:00 at night. I only blow dry my head of hair, but for me, this could mean anywhere from 11:00 pm. to 2:00 am. No matter when I blow dry it is not a quiet affair either because my dog insists on barking and jumping at me as soon as I open the drawer where the dryer is kept. My husband has learned to sleep right through the dryer and the barking.
11. We don't wake up with panda eyes - Apparently most morning shower peeps don't even wash their faces before going to bed. I can vouch for my SIL and friend who go to bed with their make-up still on. What?

According to this article, 53% of people shower in the morning. 47% shower at night. The article ended with #17 saying, "The majority are in the wrong. It just makes more sense to shower at night."

Exactly. But...wait...there is more...tomorrow...

What? I still have those things?

While looking for a picture yesterday to post on my blog of myself back when I thought I was fat, I hit the "next" button on Picasa (the greatest picture application that I still use despite Google discontinuing it to give us Google Photos, ugh, terrible) and this photo appeared:

It is a picture of my bedroom from my the home that was sold out from under me childhood. The first thing that caught my eye was the Steelers pennant in the right hand corner because I had been searching for a picture of my room with its various Steelers paraphernalia of my youth whenever I wrote about being a fan. Then I looked at the picture more closely and had to shake my head. Because most of that stuff I still have! The next two pictures were of other angles of my bedroom, and yep, still have some of that stuff too.

First photo:

1. Homemade card (to the right of the photo) - I wrote all about that book here. Of course, I couldn't throw that out. I put it in my keepsake bin that I organized and grouped into file folders.
2. The hanging net (middle) - That net now hangs in Madison's bedroom. It has been in here room since before she was born. I did one day suggest we take it down, and she vetoed that LOUDLY.
3. The stuffed animals - I enlarged the picture to see what was in there. To the left of the picture is my teddy bear and cat that I had as a one year old. I have both of those in the keepsake bin. I mean, you can't throw out your childhood friends. I still have the Bippi Bear, the basset hound, the whale, and the octopus. The octopus resides in the bin too with the others. It was made by my neighbor in PA. The other three animals still live in the net that now hangs in Madison's room.
4. Green pig - That pig was given to me by my dad or someone my dad knew. It now sits in my husband's armoire where he puts all of his pocket change each day. When he (the pig, not the husband) gets full I dump him into another container. I use the money to "treat myself".
5. Apple - The apple was made by glass maker friends of my mother's. It sits on my dining room table with the rest of the glass fruit that my mother had at The Condo.

Second Photo:

1. Frames of things - I have all of the pictures, the kindergarten graduation picture, my mother's poem, and my college writing awards. All of it is packed away in the keepsake bin.
2. Quilted blanket and purple blanket - The quilt is in the box with my teddy bear and cat. The purple blanket usually is stored away and brought out in the winter where Madison used it on her bed. Ironically, or maybe not, Tom and I have had it on our bed the past two nights. I just folded it this morning and it is sitting on my bed just like in the picture.
3. The pillow above the window - That was made by the same neighbor who made the octopus. It has my swimming medals on it. It is in the same box as the quilt and stuffed animals. I think the medals I took off recently and put them into an envelope. The pillow has my name on it, one of the few things I owned back then with my name. It was a treasure.
4. The UE basketball & shirt on the bear - The basketball is in the animal net in Madison's room and the shirt, given to me by my neighbor in IN for Christmas, is in the bin with the animals, etc.
5. The grow chart - Under the speaker and behind Humpty Dumpty in the picture, is a grow chart that marked my brother and my growth. They are written in my dad's handwriting and is rapidly fading, but, until this month, it hung on the back of Darcy's bedroom door. It includes both my children's heights, and I put it into the keepsake bin. I wanted to make sure it was preserved. She hung a full length mirror in its place. 

Third photo:

1. Framed pictures - As with all of my other photos, I have these swim team pictures. All of them are in the keepsake bin with the medals and ribbons from my years as a Olympic swimmer and coach.
2. Magnets - Under the framed photos, are two tiny magnets that we got on our trip out west (written about here). I still have one of the magnets attached to my file cabinet right next to where I sit now. 
3. Stereo, 33 Records, and Record Holders - I still have my stereo. I bought that thing for $500 from Service Merchandise, I believe, and I paid for it with my own money while in college. My friend Michelle and I built the case it sits in, and while I did bring that thing to Florida, it has since been demolished. The blue and red 45 record holders, however, I still have, complete with records. They are in my hall closet. The 33 albums are in my front entrance way in a cabinet. My husband refuses to get new speakers so that I can play my records on my record player that sits under our television because we all have Itunes and bluetooth capability. The curse of living with a tech guy.
4. Romance books - I have two of those romance books that sit to the left of my stereo. They were two of my favs, and until my recent renewed romance interest, sat in our bookcase in the dining room. Now they sit under the table next to my bed. I've read one again. Haven't gotten to the other one because I'm so busy writing my own romance novel.
5. Wooden box - On the lower shelf in the right hand side of the picture is a wooden box that my mother gave to me. I still have that and it is in my bedroom where it holds important, secret things like gifts my children made for me when they were younger.
6. Jewelry Box - Still have it and use it today. It sits smack dab in the middle of my dresser. I would give anything to be able to find more like that for my girls as it is the best jewelry box. My mother owned one like it when we were kids, but she didn't bring it with her when she moved. Or I would have it two. I also still have the two watches that are on top of the box. I keep thinking that one day I will get them new batteries, but now they sit in the jewelry box.
7. Bins - I actually still have the blue bin. The purple one made it to Florida and into this house, but it finally broke. The blue one holds washcloths I think in one of our closets. For a long time it held knick knack crap in my dresser drawer.
8. Pictures on bulletin board - I have the Purple Pride sticker. I have the picture of the kid in the corner and the kid below it. I have the heart ornament and the two tassels. I have all of the pictures, and the birth announcement of my friend Robin's daughter. I found of all that recently, and it all still resides in my keepsake bin that I recently went through and purged.

Obviously, I did not purge enough. So much for thinking that I was cleaning house. Of course, in looking through the pictures there are things I wish I still had, like my UE finger, but then again, for what? 

Well, obviously, because it all means something to me. Duh.

Back into the groove that was never a groove

I made the mistake of standing on a scale at the beginning of the week. I have been in mourning ever since. Somehow, and I have no idea, I gained six pounds. Six pounds. The last time I stood on the scale I weighed four pounds less than normal, which if you count that time means I gained ten pounds. Luckily, for me I felt that four pounds was a fluke, possibly eye strain or a malfunction of the scale, and so I didn't count it. So....six pounds.

I have never been this heavy. EVER. Not even when I was pregnant with my twins. What? You didn't know about them? Whatever. In my mind I've had five kids and I tell that to people any time weight is mentioned because it makes me feel better. When my kids were little they use to give me up, but now they aren't usually with me when I talk about the three kids they have no idea I had.

I always thought I was a big girl. I remember moaning about being fat from the moment I hit my teenage years. This is, unfortunately, the norm. All girls, no matter their body type, go through this nonsense. Now I know it isn't my fault, but the media's and society at large. But back then I didn't know that, and so I spent most of my time worrying endlessly about my body image. Then in my thirties I gained weight. Add two kids and I gained more weight. It wouldn't come off. No matter what I did it wouldn't come off. The last straw for me, was menopause, or my mother's death, I'm not sure which is to blame for this last chunk of fat. One moment I was this weight, the next I was tipping the scales at a weight I had never been before.

What was even worse, was watching video of me back in the day when I thought I was fat. Guess what? I was awesome! I wasn't fat at all. I was skinny. At least compared to what I am now. I was skinny, looked great in a bathing suit, had muscular arms, and had great hair. If I do say so myself. I couldn't believe it. Oh, and I was young looking. Gotta add that one too. That image of me is ingrained in my memory now, and that is what made the added six pounds even worse. 

Couple this weight gain with the fact that I think my blood pressure is higher than normal sent me back to the gym. I haven't been there since early December, and I've forgotten what my excuses were back then, but I avoided the gym in January because it is always crowded with those people who make new year's resolutions to get back to the gym. Whereas, people like me, then are forced to put up with them on our normal equipment taking up space and my time. So I didn't go until I knew those people had given up.

I went every day to the gym this week. Every day. I haven't done that in probably eight years since I had a workout buddy. The odd thing is I like going once I'm there. I enjoy the feeling I have after it is all over. My back already feels better just from moving. I'm sleeping better at night. I don't feel as tired in the morning. The only problem I see with all of this is that I'm hungrier. So I worked hard at eating things like carrots and drinking smoothies made of yogurt and fruit. 

Today I woke up and realized that this will have to be my lifestyle for the long haul. That a week of doing this isn't going to magically shed my weight. Monday I'll have to climb back on to that scale and no matter what it says I've got to keep on working. That thought put me right back to sleep. Obviously, I needed it. Well, that and mothering five kids. 

Sunday morning thoughts

Thoughts While Driving To Church 

OR 

My Brain, God Help Us All

Before:

• I should google these songs I've put into my Sunday Mornings playlist because I really have no idea what this song means. Plus, I don't really think I'm singing the correct lyrics. I need some voice activation where I can ask Sound Hound to give me the lyrics and the meaning. Maybe I should create my own app.
• Only I have no idea how to create an app. That probably involves some computer tech knowledge, some code writing knowledge, and well, I don't have that. This is why I'm not rich and famous because I've got a worthless college degree. I have so many great ideas, but I can't get past the idea stage. I've wasted my talents. Ann was right about that.
• I'm going to be hungry after church. I should go to PDQ since I haven't been there in so long. I've done well staying away from there. I bet Darcy goes after youth group. Oh, that reminds me. I bet she needs money. I'll have to text her at the light. Good thing I remembered that.
• The House That Built Me is such a good song. It makes me tear up every time. I loved that darn house at 8200. I would have made some changes, but my mother should have kept it. Of course, then I would have two damn houses that are sitting empty. And that one would be worse since it is in IN, and I'm in FL, and it gets cold there, and the house would have needed to be winterized. And really, would I have spent the summers there? Damn song. I should remove it from the playlist. 
• I should check The Condo. But I was just there a couple of weeks ago. Ugh. I have to make some appointments to get that thing rented out. It's a resolution.
• But I've done well with my resolutions, haven't I? Well, I messed up on the F word resolution on Friday when I couldn't find the &;%^$ packing tape I had just bought and someone stole. That was irritating, but really the words were necessary in blowing off steam. Why am I letting Kelly dictate whether or not that counted in my resolutions score?
• This street should be called Church Row. There are three churches on this road alone. I wonder if that's a record? That poor man who called me that one time while I was volunteering called the other churches first. Poor guy. I should have befriended him. I could have gone over a few days a week and sat with him, told him funny stories, made him lunch. I wonder who makes him lunch since he is wheelchair bound. But then that would be weird, huh? His kids would probably think I'm stealing him blind. I mean, how sad is that they would think that? What's the matter with people?
• Oh, good, the sanctuary door is still open. I'm not late.

After:

• Great. Now I have to have this paperwork filled out and notarized for Darcy by next week. Jeez, leaving it to the last minute, isn't she?
• That was a good musical Sunday. It was almost awesome. I wish I could sing. I wonder if we have any good singers in our family. Although, really, who cares? Because I obviously did not inherit that gene.
• I can't believe I don't have any football today. That's so weird. It went by so fast. I'm at a loss at what to do today. I should go to the beach. I bet SueG forgets that.
• Did I SnapChat my picture today yet? Oh, yeah, I did that at the end there. I should have recorded her singing. Wow. Now that chick has some pipes. I wonder if she inherited them.
• I'm hungry. I should have gone to PDQ. But that's not on my diet which is another resolution. But I screwed that one up already. I'll start full out on Monday. Tomorrow. Oh, yeah, I'm eating the leftover pizza at home from Post. That's why I didn't go to PDQ. Yum. I love Post pizza. That's exciting. Something to look forward to, and yes, I know pizza isn't diet food. Tomorrow I won't eat any.
• I bet Darcy goes to PDQ after youth group. Maybe I should text her to bring me something. Wait! I'm eating the damn pizza.
• I love this round-about. It's stupid sitting here in the middle of a residential road, but I think I really love it. Okay, well, I only love it when I come from this side. Weeeeeeee....
• Every time I do that I think of that pig in the Geico Commercial. I love that pig. What the heck is his name? (Disclaimer: I looked that up while writing this. His name is Maxwell, and I found THIS SITE. I need to meet this guy. His brain works a lot like mine)
• Hello! Yield! Do people even know what that word means? If I had voice activation I would look up the definition. And what? Scream it out the window? It's probably a good thing I don't have it. No one would listen at a crazy, middle aged, broad screaming definitions out the window. But they should! Jeez. Yield, already!
• How come I can always think about my novel when I'm driving and listening to these playlists? Well, and in the shower. That would be interesting to discuss on a talk show, wouldn't it? I write in the shower and while driving. If I had voice activation I could probably have the damn thing done by now.
• I should have gotten chicken at PDQ. Wait. Damn it. Pizza. I keep forgetting that. Pfft. I'll probably forget all of these thoughts I want to write down because seriously my brain just hops from one subject to another. How can I remember them? Hell, I've already forgetting most of them. Wait. House, Yield, PDQ. 
• Look! Squirrel!

First beach day 2017

Tuesday my friend SueG and I decided it was time to start our yearly beaching it once a week. We got there a little after 9:00 a.m. and were one of about ten couples on the sand. Despite the past night's temperature in the low 60's, the temperature was in the 70's and climbing in the two hours and a half hours we spent there.

We sat down in our beach chairs, turned on the radio, got out some water from our cooler, and leaned back to soak up the rays, our back to the water since that was the way the sun was facing. Notice that I didn't mention we "put on sunscreen". My friend did get it out of her bag and put it on the top of my cooler, but alas, we did not use it. I think both of us thought, "It's only two hours." Naturally we both got burned to a crisp in various areas.

At one point I decided I should roll over on to my stomach to get an even "tan". I have a beach chair that reclines the back all the way to the ground. I have never used it that way on my stomach, but I decided to try it out, and after struggling mightily to even roll over in the thing, I declared it mighty uncomfortable. I had to move forward considerably to get my thighs above the metal and so that my head was able to drop down without neck strain. I smiled at the two women who were facing me as they opened up their chairs and belongings.

Me: "I don't think I'll last even ten minutes."
SueG: "I don't think you'll last five."

The main problem, beside it being uncomfortable, was that I was facing the water and the women, and SueG was behind me. Talking and listening was harder. My head hurt dangling so I kept it up which made me look as if I was just staring at these two women. I built sand objects instead so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I lasted a good twenty minutes just to prove myself and my friend wrong, and then I rolled back over; to find 987654 people had descended on the beach. We were surrounded.

Me: "WTH?"
SueG: "It's tourist season. They just keep coming."
Me: "Hmmmm....but no one is in the water. Why aren't they in the water?"
SueG: "It's cold."
Me: "Please. How cold is the water? Do I have to always be the first person to go into the gulf every year?"
SueG: "It was 63 a few days ago. I don't know what it is today, but it can't be any warmer. Is anyone in the water?'
Me: "Not one person."
SueG: "You go for it."
Me: "I'm going to have to."
SueG: "I'll be waiting right here for you."

So I walked down to the water and looked up and down the beach. Not one person was in the water. There was only one little kid standing by the water, her ankles getting wet. I walked in like a pro to my waist. I walked around squirting water up on to my arms and chest, and then finally I took the plunge. It was refreshing. I walked back out again and sprinkled water on SueG.

SueG: "How was it?"
Me: "Delightful. Too bad everyone was facing away from the water as I looked just like Bo Derek coming out."
SueG: "Well, minus the braids."

I dried off a bit with my towel and a women sitting in front of us, facing us to the side, started talking to us. We chatted a bit, and then I sat down. When I did she got up and started toward the water.

Her: "How is the water?"
Me: "Great. Refreshing."
SueG: "Damn cold."
Her: "Well, I think I'll try it out."
SueG: "I'll be here waiting for you."

We chatted a bit, and then I turned to see where the woman was. She was in the water up to her lower thighs, and then she turned back and started walking back toward us.

Me: "She didn't get in. Pussy."
SueG: "I dare you to tell her that when she gets up here."
Me: "These tourists are such wimps."
Her: "Okay, it was cold."
SueG: "You don't look wet to me."
Her: "I couldn't do it. It's cold as shit in there."
Me: "You're a pussy."
Her: "Hey, that's what my sister always calls me. Guess it must be true!"
SueG: "Please! The only reason she went into the water was she had to pee."
Me: "Yep, but I made it look good when I did. No one knew until you opened up your mouth and informed the entire beach."
SueG: "Whatever, Bo Derek."

It's a Florida Thing

Recently via Social Media, I found a little funny excerpt about things that only Floridians understand. Since I've already done one on Hoosiers, and since I'm now a Floridian, I thought, "Holy Shit something I can blog about! Why not?"

It's A Florida Thing

1. Socks are only for bowling - &^%$ if I had just seen this prior to my blog entry yesterday!
2. You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in 5 minutes - Every time family visits and it rains we remind them of this when they start whining. "Keep walking," we say, "In five steps you'll be where it is dry."
3. A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade - It was a catch twenty two when the kids were little. Parking in shady spots meant longer walks to the store trying to keep their hands in mine and safe, but compared to their sweaty bodies, red faces, and misery when we didn't park in the shade it was worth it. This is most true in the summer.
4. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites - My first experience with fire ants came when I was working at the pool. We rented out our facility and park which meant that we had to clean up the facility and park afterwards. I was with another lifeguard hauling trash when he looked down and mentioned I was in a fire ant hill. I pffted him since we had ants in Indiana. That lasted until the first fire bite. I attempted to brush them off, but finally took his advice, ran straight back to the pool, and jumped in with my clothes and shoes still on.
5. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly - Uh, yes.
6. You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix - Just like #5, I believe I have written about this too.
7. You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for - I'm not so sure this is spot on. Maybe it should say "isn't worth boarding up for".
8. You dread love bug season - This was another thing I had to learn about like the fire ants. Since my car is mainly in the garage it isn't as much of an issue as it was back in my non-garage days.
9. You know what a snow bird is and when they'll leave - They are pesky, slow moving, money spending road and beach hogs and they are gone by April. Every. Year.
10. You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average - Please. That's nothing around here.
11. "Down South" means Key West - Wait, we weren't in the Union?
12. Flip Flops are daily wear. Shoes are for business meetings - Never wore shoes when I first moved here until I became old.
13. You have a drawer full of bathing suits and one sweatshirt - Yep. Spot on. My one sweatshirt is a Pittsburgh Steelers one, and the only time I wear it is when I travel up north.
14. You get annoyed at the tourists who feed the seagulls - We just griped about this one two days ago. People! STOP. Most of the seagulls aren't even afraid anymore. I handed my friend two goldfish at the beach and one landed on her head to get at it.
15. You know the four seasons are really, hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season, and summer - Right now it's tourist season.
16. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoohee, Thonotosassa, and Micanopy - This is one of my favs. Yep. We can. And we love to hear non-Floridians attempt it.
17. You understand why it is better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself - Learned this one with my SIL who use to have a boat. Apparently, they've forgotten because they want one again.
18. You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Year's - Uh, yes, especially the last two years!

Socks

As I go about my day I think of all sorts of things. Random thoughts that clog and clutter my mind at various times throughout the day, and I think how that would make a great blog entry. But as soon as the topic appears and is mulled over, it is gone. I'm not kidding. Gone from the recesses of my mind never to be found again. It is happening way too frequent lately, and so on Monday I started doing the newspaper crossword and Sudoku puzzles again. I'm concerned enough that I feel I need to stimulate my brain.

Yesterday as I was folding my 756875 basket of laundered clothes, the random thought regarding socks popped into my head. All sorts of sock thoughts went zipping through my mind, and I thought to myself, "Hold on to this one. Hold tight. Blog it. Write it down. Socks, socks, socks" Then as I went about my evening I kept saying to myself, "Socks. Socks. Socks." So here I sit this morning in front of my computer determined to blog and the first thing that pops into my mind is, "Socks." And I'm thrilled. Thrilled because I've remembered! So that's the entry for today. Socks.

Cara's Musings about Socks.

My husband's socks are always usually inside out. Every time I do the laundry the socks are always usually inside out. Who does this? I don't pull my socks downward from the ankle so that they come off of my feet inside out. If I don't do that, why should others? Of course, I don't wear socks that go up past my ankle, but if I did I wouldn't take them off that way. Or, if I happened to end up with my socks that way, I would right them. My youngest does the same thing with her socks. They are always usually inside out. 

Me: "I don't want to put my hands inside of these socks to turn them right side out. It's gross."

Darcy: "Gross? They're clean! It's not like you're doing that when they are dirty. Plus, they are suppose to be inside out. That's the dirty part. Now it's clean."

I don't care. I know it makes sense, but I can't wrap my head around it. I hate them inside out, and so I leave them like that. My husband doesn't care. He says he'll wear his socks inside or outside and it doesn't matter to him. And he does. If I bundled up his inside out socks together and put them in his drawer, he wears them inside out. That's weird too to me. Who does that? Children maybe, but middle aged men? My theory is that when he takes them off again they will now be the way they should be, right? Yeah. They aren't.

My socks are always gone after they are laundered. Poof. Gone. Disappeared. How is that possible? My favorite socks ever were sold at JC Penney. The only colors they sold these socks in were black and gray. That's it. Black and gray. I thought it a sign since I wear black most of the time, and when I'm not wearing black, gray goes with everything else. I bought hoards of these socks, but now I'm down to one, count that...ONE, pair of black socks. I use to have 958 pairs of these black socks, but now I have ONE. Where are the others? I'm frantic with thoughts of where these socks have gone; thieves broke into my house and stole them, puppeteers have broken into my house and stolen them, my washing machine only eats this brand, they are in someone else's sock drawer. But they aren't. I've checked. I check the other sock drawers 923945 times a day some days when I'm desperate. The really rotten thing is that JC Penney's doesn't sell those socks any more, and I have no memory of the brand, and I can't find another brand that fits me as well as that one did. All I have left beside that ONE pair is several gray pairs. I'm afraid to wear them for fear of....(see above list).

Some sock designer finally got smart. Knowing that there are washing machines out there that devour socks, and knowing that kids out there lose socks every day, they designed non-matching socks. I have yet to find these for adults, but in kids/teen socks they are everywhere. Pairs of socks that don't match. You buy them in bulk and each sock is different. Different. They have the same various color scheme, but they don't match. AT ALL. It's brilliant actually. It's carefree. What to wear? Who cares? Grab some socks. It is ingenious, and I wish I had thought of it.

But the problem for me, is it drives me nuts when it comes time to match them into nice little sock balls. I launder the socks, and then I stare at the pile in the basket. My OCD of organization kicks in. Socks are matched up and twisted into one another so that they are together in a somewhat ball the way my mother taught me. I realized yesterday that I was spending way too much time coordinating Darcy's socks so that they at least looked like they matched. When the basket is full of multi-colored socks and none of them look match-able I'm crazy. What the hell? Why would she wear a bright fushia pink sock with a bright lime green sock? I can't twist them together. I just can't. So I pile all of her socks into a hill on top of her folded laundry and put them on her dresser. Yesterday, I realized that by doing that I'm contributing to her madness. I thought about going into her sock drawer, under the pretense of looking for my missing black socks, and twisting all of her socks into somewhat balls according to a color scheme that would sit right with me. But then I realized that maybe doing so would make me even more crazy.

Socks are never the size they claim. I have big feet. Big. Feet. I need socks for big feet, but socks nowadays come in three sizes; small, medium, and large. They specify these sizes with numbers that supposedly coordinate to one's shoe size. So the socks that would match up with me would be large, 6-10. Who are they kidding? Why would a person who wears a size 6 shoe need a sock that fits a person who wears a size 10 shoe? Does that make any sense? I've learned that socks are always smaller than what they say they are and so when my eldest needed socks I always went one size above what it said she should wear. Because if you think I have big feet, whoa, you should see hers! The problem now that she is grown is that size 10 is it. You wear a size 11 shoe you are out of luck people. Out. Of. Luck. They don't make women's size 11 socks. If  I want socks, I have to go into the men's department and purchase athletic socks.

Writing about this got me curious so I did what I always do when I'm curious; I turned to the Internet. I found a site titled Sockspert, clever, huh, and while they didn't explain sock sizes any better than the rest of the sites I found, they did offer socks in women's socks, size large, 10-13. Of course, if I want to have colored socks, and why wouldn't I Miss-Wear-All-Black-Because-You-Think-You-Look-Slimmer, then I have to fork over $9.60 FOR ONE PAIR OF SOCKS. Nine dollars for socks that will most likely be stolen by robbers when they break into my house? No thank you.

Conclusion I came too while writing this? This is why Floridians wear flip flops. 

Monday 2017 Super Bowl recap

I didn't watch much of the pre-game hype because all I heard when I tuned in was New England this and New England that. By halftime I was feeling good, but not great. Everywhere people were giving the game to the Falcons. Not me. Football is a four quarter game.

Game:

• Musically, the salute to our country was the best I've seen in years. The three women from Hamilton who ad-libbed in "sisterhood" on America the Beautiful, and Luke Bryan's acapella rendition of our national anthem were both lit!
• Who else thinks Atlanta's Taylor Gabriel thanks the football gods every night for his release from the Cleveland Browns?
• Atlanta's defense was spot on in the first half. Their offense wasn't far behind.
• Dislike the two "horsing around" touchdowns from the Falcons; flip and strut. Please. Run into the end zone and do the job.
• Lady Gaga halftime show: OMG. Best. Show. Ever.
• Loved everyone going on and on about how they couldn't believe how this game was going and poor New England, blah, blah, blah. What did I tweet? Exactly what I said above. Football is four quarters long and not over until the end.
• How about the shot in the fourth quarter of Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels shaking his head at the Brady sack. Fox replayed it in slow motion as they were looking to fade to a commercial, and right before that happened McDaniels leans over and fires up a big spitball to spew on the ground. 
• All good until it wasn't. It's always better to be cold in the beginning and hot in the end. 
• Gotta give it the Patriots for their comeback. It was awesome. The Falcons self destructed, and New England took advantage.
• As usual, offensive play calls came into question and were certainly part of the Falcons troubles. They couldn't get the running game going again like they had in the first half so Kyle Shanahan called pass plays that went nowhere.
• The big play was Julian Edelman's catch in the middle of the field. Why defensive players don't understand that popping the ball UP instead of OUT and AWAY is bad, bad, bad is beyond me. Knock that ball down to the ground and the game would have been different.
• Gotta love that Tom Brady's parents, his mother sick and still attending the game, were there to watch that comeback. A nice family moment. It actually warmed a small section of my heart. The man has won five Super Bowls. Much as I can't stand him I admire his play. Got to if you love sports. Same for Bellichick. They showed why the two of them are the best in the game right now.
• On the other end of it, how miserable do the Falcons have to be? This one will hurt and hang in the heart for months. Nice interview though by Dan Quinn with Erin Andrews. He held it together and was gracious.
• Best happening of the night: Howie Long's emotion at the end as his son is a Patriot.

Commercials:

• Those that rocked - Airbnb, Coca- Cola, Budweiser, Audi, 84 Lumber News (who had to finish their commercial online as Fox wouldn't show the entire ad).
• Those that were funny - Sprint, Turbo tax, Tide, Synovus, Hawaiian Rolls
• Those that were decent- Honda, Tide, Sprint
• Those that were creepy - Uh, T-Mobile.

Super Bowl Pick

Atlanta over New England - Sigh. Fingers crossed.

UE tragedy and the reason why I'm a Steelers fan

Every time I wear my Steelers gear, every time a stranger arrives at my house, the question is asked, "Are you from Pittsburgh?" When I answer in the negative, the next question they ask is why I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, as if only people from that city are allowed to be fans. The answer for me is not simple. Some times I give the long version. Most of the time I just give the short version. Recently, I gave the entire version to Steelers Nation Unite on their fan story traditions page.

The first half of the answer on how I became a Steelers fan is easy. I'm from Indiana, grew up before the Colts tiptoed out of Baltimore, came from a sports loving-watching family, and chose the Steelers because they were on local television every week. My father was a die hard Cowboys fan. My mother switched back and forth between the Packers and the Redskins. My brother and I decided to be Steelers fans, and we embraced our team hanging up pendants and rocking the apparel. Somewhere along the way, my brother dropped the Steelers and became a San Diego Charger fan. I'm not sure why, but I've always said he was missing a little something in the cranium department. 

The second half of why I'm a Steelers fan is more complicated. I'm from Evansville, Indiana a two college city; the University of Southern Indiana and the University of Evansville. The latter had a men's basketball team that the entire city backed starting in the 1940's. In 1955, the team moved to Division II, winning five National Championships and producing NBA players Jerry Sloan and Don Buse. Our family started attending games in the 1970's, but by the latter part of the decade fans were dropping out as the team struggled.

In 1977, the University's long time coach, Arad McCutchan, retired, the team entered into Division I, and a coach named Bobby Watson was hired. He recruited a bunch of basketball talented freshman and backed the bringing back of the old mascot Ace Purple, a river boat gambler. The city of Evansville was excited once more to sit cozy up next to their neighbor on the wooden bench that filled each row in the stadium. Unfortunately, it was short lived.

On December 13, 1977 the team, coaches, and several members of the local media flew out of the city's regional airport on an icy, foggy, rainy night. The plane got airborne and then fell out of the sky into a subdivison behind the airport. Everyone on board was killed. Everyone who lived in Evansville that night remembers where they were when it happened.

I was at my grade school that night singing at a choir dinner. I remember we had made tunics to wear, and we served dinner to the parents before taking the risers to sing out songs. I remember standing, singing, looking out at the tables of parents, and then suddenly beepers (this was before phones people) started going off in the audience. One by one, fathers rose and left the cafeteria; doctors being called in for help. We didn't know then what was up, but as my carpool driver drove me home we had to pull over to the side of the road several times as fire trucks and ambulances passed us in the night, sirens blaring. I remember it was raining as I was dropped off. I remember feeling jittery, wanting to tell my mother about the emergency vehicles. I opened the front door and entered my house to find my family had already gotten the news on the television. I remember the crying, the sadness, the horror, and of being scared. From that day forward, I thought of that night as blackness.

The city mourned for months. The university began rebuilding the team with the help of the city, anonymous donations from all over the world, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Several of the 1976 Super Bowl players came to our city and played in an exhibition charity game against former UE players. The money raised went to the rebuilding program, and we like to say that if you were an Aces fan, you were also a Steelers backer. I was already a fan, but it sealed the deal for me from that moment on, and I've never looked back.

It's a hard story to tell in a few seconds, but I do tell it to some people. Because it's part of the reason why I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

Scary Cora

I'm enjoying my once every two weeks volunteering job. It gets me up and out of the house in the morning, and it brings me satisfaction that I don't get as a SAHM. I'm solving a different set of problems, moving my mind in a variety of ways, and walking up and down the sanctuary steps and in and out of the pews is getting me the exercise I desperately need.

I keep saying that I don't think I can go back to work. I've been on my own for so long, making my own decisions, my own choices, and being the boss that I'm not sure that I can follow someone else's rules. I figured that volunteering would help to get me back into that routine of having to listen to someone other than my husband myself. Unfortunately, working alone can also create some bad habits, and one of those have carried over in my volunteering. I talk to myself. Aloud. I have a list of chores written in a book that sits in a holder on my desk, and a list of chores that are printed on a piece of paper that lies under the glass on my desk. I start with the book and move to the paper and finish back with the book. It's a system I have down pat.

My office is the first one that people see when entering the offices of the church. Inside my office through a door is another office where the administrator works. Her chair and desk are in the corner facing katty-corner toward the door and my desk and chair. We are about five feet away from each other. She too is new in her position and so we are learning together. She, of course, has had more days notched on her belt than I have as she works every day, and so I defer to her when I have questions. For the most part, we are the only two that work on Fridays so she is all I have unless I text or call my trainer.

I was on my sixth day of work, the third with this new administrator whom I'll call Opal. She is always there when I arrive and so I greeted her and sat down at my desk to look things over. I followed the list in the book; turn on the computer, check, read the volunteer book to see if yesterday's volunteer left me instructions, check. At this point, I notice that the desk is more cluttered than normal with notes. Two of the notes have my name and so I read them. The first one asks me to call UPS and schedule a delivery for the "tower of boxes on my desk".

Now I'm reading this note out loud to myself, and I look around as I read this.

Me: "I don't see a "tower". What "tower" is she talking about. Hmmmm..."
Opal: "They are on the floor in front of your desk. I think she moved them there when she left yesterday."

Ah. I get up and sure enough there are four large boxes on the floor in front of my desk. I mutter something aloud about not being very observant, and I sit back down. Call UPS. I wonder aloud if that information is in my volunteer manual, a book that is so very detailed a person walking in off the street could do this job. I pull it out and begin searching through it. I feel I have been given this information, or was it FedEx? I can't remember. I wade through the manual. I get to the end, turn back to the beginning, and read the entire manual. No UPS information. I give up that for now and move on to the next note on the desk.

It asks me to send the letters, which are directly under the note to me, including self stamped envelopes to the "nine people who don't receive emails." Hmmmm... I read this out loud again, wondering who are the mysterious "nine". I look under the letters. I look around the desk for a list of names and addresses. Nothing. I'm stumped. Immediately, I know what is happening. My trainer is testing me. She is trying to decide if I can handle this job. I say all of this out loud to myself.

Me: "I'm being tested. I am being tested on whether or not I can pull this off. This is a test. Not a test of the emergency broadcast system, but a test on how efficient I am. I shall prevail. Opal, do you have any idea who the nine people are that do not receive emails?"
Opal: "No, I don't know."

I turn back to the volunteer manual and start reading it again. Twice. Nothing. I take a deep breath, and turn to my computer. I search for UPS information in the computer. Nothing. I search for people, labels, addresses of people who don't want emails. Nothing. I decide to tackle the UPS problem. I look up the closest UPS drop off place. There are five in my surrounding area. I search how to have UPS pick up packages. This takes me to the UPS website. I read through it.

Me: "Excuse me, Opal, but do you know if we have an account number with UPS? I'm thinking they will want that information when I call."
Opal: "No, I don't know."
Me: "Perplexing, but I'm not giving up. I can't find it in the computer. Hmmmm...let's see."
Opal: "I think that the company is paying for the shipping. Those are printer cartridges that she is returning."
Me: "Aha! Okay, that makes that easier. But who do I contact? Oh. Wait. What's this? Chat Live. Well, now, let's chat live with someone at UPS and see what that gets me."
Opal: "You could maybe call UPS."
Me: "I could, but I don't know which UPS to call. There are five around this area. I'll see what I get with chatting live."

I hit the Chat Live button and a screen immediately pops up for me to type in. Someone types in a message to me, and suddenly I am talking to a...what? I picture her as a tall, blonde with dark highlights, glasses, and a business suit. I read aloud everything she types, and everything I type.

Andrea A.: "Good Morning. I'm Andrea A. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?"
Me: "Well, isn't she pleasant? I hate to tell her she isn't really speaking with me, but I'll play along." Type: "Good morning Andrea, this is Cara"
Andrea A: "Good Morning, Cara. What can I help you with today?"
Me: "How many times is she going to wish me good morning?"
Type: "I need to schedule a pick up for some packages."

I wait. Nothing.

Me: "I seem to have stumped even Andrea A. with this question. What the hell? Oh, sorry. I'm in a church. What the heck? How hard is this task? If I knew which UPS was the one for pick up I could just call them. Why isn't that information on their website? Maybe I should discuss this with Andrea A."
Andrea A.: "Okay, Cara, do you have a return number on the label of the package?"
Me: "A return number? Well, let me see about that. Yes! Yes, here is the number. Of course, it can't just be simple like 1,2,3."
Type: "Number, number, number, letter, number, letter, number, etc."

Wait. Nothing.

Me: "What is this woman doing? Is she chatting live with more than just me? How hard is this? Oh, wait. It says here that Andrea A. is (listening). What? She's listening? To who? Me?"

I glance up at Opal, who is ignoring me. I glance around the room. I look out the window. I look up at the ceiling. I look back at Opal who is now looking at me.

Me: "It says Andrea A. is (listening)."
I lean in to my computer and whisper, "Hello? Hello Andrea?"

Opal stares at me. She smiles and goes back to her computer. I snicker. I crack myself up. Come on, that was funny.

Me: "Oh! Now it says, Andrea A. is (responding). Well, frankly, she isn't very quick on her responses. I'm just saying."
Andrea A.: "Okay, I have that in my records. Do you have other packages?"
Me: "Oops. I guess I should have mentioned that."
Type: "I have four boxes all with the same return number. They are being paid for by the company. They are printer cartridges."
Me: "I'm not sure Andrea A. needs that information, but just in case she is curious. Hmmmm...she is listening again."
I lean into the computer and whisper, "Did you get that Andrea A? The boxes contain valuable printer cartridges....used cartridges."
Opal: "Is she listening?"
Me: "No, now it says she is responding. I like this. I'm thinking that we need this. The church needs a Live Chat button on our website. Wouldn't that be cool? I could do that job. I could do it from home. Chat with people who need assistance. That's a job right up my alley."
Andrea A. "Okay, when would you like to schedule a pick up?"
Me: "How late are you here, Opal?"
Opal: "Until 3:00 p.m."
Me: "Okay, so I'll say before 3:00 pm."
Type: "Today, please. Before 3:00 pm. The office closes at 3:00 pm."
Whisper, "Did you get that, Andrea?"

Waiting. Waiting. Andrea A. is (responding).

Me: "Jeez, she is not the fastest typist. I would be more johnny on the spot than this gal."
Lean, whisper, "No offense Andrea." "Wouldn't it be funny if she typed, "None taken." How freaked out would that make me?
Opal: "That would be weird."
Me: "I know. But cool."
Andrea A: "Okay, you are schedule for pick up today of four packages. Can I have your address please?"
Type: Address, address, address."
Andrea A: "You have been scheduled. Someone will be at this address before 3:30 pm. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Cara?"
Me: "What? What the hell? I mean, heck. I just told you we close at 3:00 pm. What part of that did you not get? Oh, Andrea A. you are falling down on the job."
Type: "I need someone here before 3:00 pm. as we close then. I said that before. Sorry."
Me: "I'm not really sorry, though. I'm annoyed now. How hard is this? I will be a better Live Chat person than Andrea A."
Lean, whisper: "Hear me, Andrea? Pay Attention!"
Andrea: "Okay, you are scheduled. Sorry for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not unless you know the names and addresses of the nine people who don't receive emails." Type: "No, that's it. Thank you."
Andrea A.: "My pleasure. Have a wonderful day."
Me: "You too, Andrea. Well, wasn't she just the nicest thing. Not as focused as she should have been, but efficient enough to help me take care of that task."

I sign off, quite pleased with myself. The phone rings and it is a local UPS representative confirming my address and pick up information. I remind her, because I'm not so sure Andrea A. got it, that we close at 3:00 pm. She thanks me, and I hang up.

Me: "Well, there we go. I handled that one. It only took me an hour, but I have passed that portion of the test. Now on to the next one. Although, I better do my normal jobs first and leave this one to the last."

I do this. I complete all of the lists in the book and on the paper under the glass on my desk. I arrive from the sanctuary hot and sweaty from walking up and down the stairs and in and out of the pews. I plop down into my chair and turn on the desk fan. We are all middle aged woman with hot flashes so the fan is very important. I try again to find the nine names. I spend too much time and finally I admit defeat. I text my trainer for help. She texts me back the information. The labels of the nine people are hanging on the bulletin board by the work station. I finish the job. It is now a half an hour past my leave time.

Type: "I'm afraid I've gone into overtime."
Trainer: "I'll make sure to reflect that in your paycheck."

See. A sense of humor. I giggle. I begin cleaning off my desk preparing to leave. Opal's cell phone rings. She answers. I get from the gist of her conversation that it is my trainer. Opal has had some computer issues all day. The trainer is very knowledgeable about the computers, and well, everything to do with anything at this place.

Opal: "We have a laptop? I didn't know that."
Me: "Oh, yeah, we do. It's right here behind me."

I pull open the drawer to the cabinet behind my chair. Opal, on the phone with my trainer, comes into my office and stands peering down into the drawer.

Opal: "Nobody told me there was a laptop. Uh, huh. Okay. Sure."
Me: "I'm just going to sneak out now. I'm in to overtime and don't want to get too far into that."

I stand up which puts me face to face with Opal. She is staring at me.

Opal: "Well, I guess I could have had the volunteer do that today. Cora is here."
Me: "Cora? Okay, then."
Opal: "Yes, I could have had her do that, but, well, frankly, she scares me."

Yep. Sigh. I think I'll be better with the Live Chat job. I'm going to look into that.